what i want...

I suppose it's been a while since I've delved into myself and myself feel a little uncomfortable, but I feel like going there right now. Why? I don't know, but I feel like I need to. It's therapeutic after all to break yourself down (in a safe way) every now and then and re-examine the bits and pieces you've find. I think it's one of the best ways to see how you've warped as fragments and yet still maintained your same self.

Moving on from the explanation of where I'm going...I suppose that right now I WANT to feel certain things and I NEED to feel certain things, and the difference between the two is pretty glaring. I WANT to feel happy, accomplished, calm, proud, useful and needed. I NEED to feel secure, strong, hopeful, and valuable. The difference? I can fool myself into thinking I feel what I want to feel and its effortless, I have to put effort into feeling what I need to feel and often lie to myself about how well its going.

Tricky situation no? To be pulled in one direction tell yourself you're going that way to keep yourself pushing only to realize the attempt may have been futile and then re-realize you've been kidding yourself and go the opposite way with just as much drive as you did your original direction. Imagine fighting both sides of your own war in your head, conceding and gaining with each breath you take, and you have the reason for my constant silence, my introspection.

Truth of the matter is that there are very few times now when I am sure as to what I am feeling, and that scares me. I know that I feel love for my family, and I know that I feel love for Des. I know that I am grateful for the life I now live. and then everything gets hazy.

I don't suppose I'm depressed, just contemplative. Things keeping me awake at night that I didn't even know were bugging me. Am I anxious? Yes. Am I worried? No. Anxious because I'm not sure what I'll learn about myself this time, but not worried because if I can handle it as well as I have the past few times I've done this then I'll come out stronger and yet again one step closer to who I want to be.

And now a few random things I want to spew out...these are for different random people whom i'll never disclose...i just want these things and yet i know i wont get most of them so just saying it gets it off my mind...

...i want you to say you're sorry for being so horrible to me, i want you to own up for what you did and take your share of the blame off my back...

...i want you to know how much i care about you, and i want to start over with how i've treated our relationship...

...i want you to realize that i'm not mad, dissappointed yes, but not mad, just talk to me so we can work it out, ill try harder this time...

...i want to stick with this cool thing we've got but i think it may be time for me to move on...

...i want the truth.

sigh, ok that was a lot off my mind. and now to bed.

<3bam

and im back...

back in the U.S.

back in the "long-distance" part of the relationship.

back at home.

back on my own during the day.

back feeling like my other half is just missing.

back to driving on the "right" side of the street.

back to chain restaurants and cheap drinks.

back to familiar scenes and sounds.

back to my dogs.

back to my family.

back to my friends.

I had the best trip of my life while in Australia. Let me put it this way, if you could live and feel the euphoria you would feel in a really good dream then that's how I lived for the past five weeks. Life felt so surreal and I finally felt that hole in my head filled because I was around the one I love the most. The food tasted better, the hours went by sweeter, and time was kind. The trip went by hastily but at the same time it went just fast enough for me to feel happy and feel like I was making up for all the days I spent miserable. I love Des so much and he's right in everything he consoles me with. I love our relationship, I love the life that he opens up for me, and I'm grateful, so so grateful, to God for being blessed with this relationship and for Des.

I'll finish my blog about Aus for sure even if it's going to take some time. I'm really sad right now because I miss the life I had while I was there and I miss the company of my other half, but it'll be ok. Another few months until I get another hug and I know we can make it. Past this point, we'll have spent more time apart than together but that's ok. Because we make up for it in essence.

Happy 11 month anniversary darling, it sucks that that had to be the day I left, but it's ok. I love you.


Sigh...and now to forage around for some food...not that i actually want to eat anything here...i only want to eat what baby had to feed me...he picked the food and where we ate...i hate having to decide for myself all the time, half the fun of a relationship is getting someone else's opinions and choices...

for all who are in a relationship with normal distances between partners, don't take it for granted, and don't think that you have it easier than me.

with love,

bam

jetsetting...

well not really. im currently in australia visiting my super amazingboyfriend and in order to keep track of things and to keep people updated ive created a newblog.


http://bamsinaustralia.blogspot.com/


check it outfor periodic updates and photos!!


<3bam

keep going!!

ok this quarter is OFFICIALLY whooping my butt. T.T

I sit here completely distracted and unable to focus...and I have a midterm tomorrow. FML.

I will note though that I have accomplished a LOT for myself that I wanted to do lately, and my goodness...I am so happy and I feel so blessed to finally feel my life moving forward. It's a scary thought and that hazy "someday when i graduate from college" is not so hazy anymore. But anywhos here's a quick pick me upper list of stuff I'm glad I finally got the chance to get around to. smiles and hugs to all those who helped.

happy stuff:
-work at a steady on campus job
-start cooking for myself on a regular basis
-choreo a whacking piece that would be used in a set
-get choreo into a set for mcia
-become part of official leadership for a team
-fulfill requirements to pick up a little(s) (the actual picking up will be soon so taking care of littles will be added after that)
-get a funky hair dye job
-fall in love with my boyfriend again
-book a trip to somewhere in the world that I've never been to
-get myself out there in aphio again
-reconnect with people
-connect on a deeper level with people i already surround myself with
-help out a friend whom i've been waiting to figure out how to help (because she never seems to need any of the help i could give)

and i guess thats just a few without getting super specific.

Thanks God and everyone for all the love, pushing, shoving, smiling, and cheering. This quarter may be kicking my butt but at least I can feel life pulling at me, and I don't feel stagnant anymore.

<3samBAM

it'll be ok.

dear darling,

I know the world is a frustrating place and I know how hard it can be to keep your thoughts floating high amidst the sea of people determined to win the "my life is worse than yours" competition, but I believe in you. Never have I doubted your ability to maintain your dignity or your ability to overcome the blindness of others. If we can all see the way our world is trying to help us live a good life then we can be happy, and we can get past our love for loathing. You can rise above, and you will, just believe in it.

I go through my day despising people here and there and claiming that "people suck" yet despite my pessimism, I always feel content at the end of the day and I always tell myself that all my work during the day paid off, even if I'm not the one reaping the rewards. For example, me being cautious in the parking structure after some idiot cut me off while making a wide turn while talking on their cell phone pays off because after I get angry I wait for a good spot, get one, and in turn I get to be polite to someone who otherwise might have felt rushed to get out of their parking spot and I spare those who encounter me during my wait the hassle of yet another irresponsible driver. I guess I'm outwardly pessimistic yet inside I'm still optimistic little me.

Why? Because like you, I'm forced to conform to people around me who only want to aknowledge how hard it is for them. Fight it. Be proud of your hard life. It will be ok. Trust me. Faith.

I love you.

<3sami

i just need...

...a little of your time, a little of your time to say the things i never said...

too often i think of things i wish i had said in moments gone by.

like today.

"yes, i'll be there...i'm here getting ready aren't i?"

"sure, but did you really expect that to be received well?"

"i'm really not in the mood for people's idiocy today. actually i'm just not in the mood for other people today, i'd like to just zoom in on me for a day and give myself the attention i'm not getting in return. but yeah....it'll get better...yeah it'll be gone by tomorrow."

"why do I do this again?"

"No, you do it."

"could you please stop bugging me and just handle your business already."

"well that's fucking stupid."


and more...today was frustrating. one of those me against humanity kinds of days. it had its ups, but i think im starting to feel the strain of gaining my motivation back.

like my facebook status says, I really just can't be bothered with anything at the moment. get back to me later, when I have the willingness to care again.

it would've been nice to NOT hear the same comment today but from a different mouth that hurt me so badly yesterday...lets try to pay just a little more attention to people guys...i really thought the first one was an honest slip up. but can i ask honestly, am i that easy to ignore when im not making the effort for/towards you?

every now and then we need a little time away...

<3bam

used and abused...left to my own deVICES

lately i've been feeling pushed to the side,
not the far side, just to the side,
taken out of the mainstream if you will
but still tugging along in the current
pursuing the pull if you will
yet never grabbing hold of the rope.

over, and over, and over,
i tumble, rise, slip.

like raindrops at the very start of the mist,
first one, then another,
then a pause.
then another, and that's it.

hazy grey mist, bright blue skies,
a bright yellow sun,
and I'm feeling better.

then i start to think.

the hours melt into the
screen melts into the
desk melts into the
floor rises up to meet
my feet are grounded.

good stuff.

pitter, patter, there it goes,
again, and again,
and a pause,
til next time!

<3samBAM