what do you do when everyone's convinced you're an extrovert and are busy running around doing things with 'all your friends' when really you're an introvert who only seems to be able to make plans when you reach out to others?
sometimes I miss the days when I had a 'clique' of sorts, and it was just assumed that we would all be together doing something.
This whole, I really don't want to end up as cliquey as everyone else phase has really screwed me over. Evidence = I'm posting on this blog again.
<3bam
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
why
I can't even begin to go into the things I'm feeling right now. I just want to know why I'm feeling like this? How did this happen? What am I supposed to think? To feel?
when did this turn into what it is now...
and why can't i stop crying...
-bam
when did this turn into what it is now...
and why can't i stop crying...
-bam
Thursday, November 25, 2010
unsaid.
So I know that it's officially the day of the year set aside for thanksgiving BUT I have these awkward negative feelings...well I think they're negative, they make me sad?...that I really just want to get off of my chest before I try to sleep and then wake up renewed and refreshed as I can be. I feel so torn when it comes to coming back home. I love being with my mom (and Dad when he's back from the PI) and hanging out or talking with her. I love joking around with my sisters (when they're not in a mood or stressed by work/school). I love being around my troublesome and dilemma ridden dogs. I love seeing my bestfriends who live up here Ayla and Roz (and hopefully I'll get to see Diana soon). I love when theres a family get together or event during my short stay so I can see family members I haven't seen in months or years.
But honestly...that's about it.
So much was taken...no. Torn. From me when we decided to go our separate ways, and by we I mean Vallejo and I. Well mostly anyways. I was never truly attached to this place, I guess that's what happens when you move around so much. And there are some heartstrings that I had to detach. I was never comfortable saying 'i'm from vallejo' because honestly, I don't think I share the same mindset as a majority of the people here. I don't identify with a lot of the same status markers, I don't share a lot of the same attitudes, and I've always felt out of place here.
Now that a lot of people I know either haven't been in touch (or been able to respond) I really don't feel like there's much reason for me to be here. There are a few friends who I simply feel out of touch with because of the distances involved with growing up. But there are also some people who I, for lack of a better word, was abandoned by. I think the reason I'm feeling so torn right now is because I was thinking about how grateful I am for the friends I have now, and the few who have stuck by me as I've moved and grown throughout the years. Then I think I noticed the concept of 'few' and I really mean few. Like, handful few. And it hurts.
For one thing, it still stings that someone who was important in my life has decided to treat me as I never existed. When there was no reason for that to happen. Some may say that our history was reason enough, but I don't think that makes this abandonment right or justified. I can't say why, but I know that this is wrong. And everytime I come home I am reminded of it. I guess I can't wrap my head around why we would endeavor to be friends only for one person to decide the friendship is over. Can one person decide to end a relationship? I thought we had figured out the answer to that one.
For another thing, I know about the gossip that spread after. I know about the things that people think. I know about the ways people judge. And to be honest, hardly anyone up here has given me a second glance since I left and that seriously (pardon my french) sucks. Sometimes I wish I was given the dignity I afford to others who have made their own mistakes in life, and sometimes my patience wears thin (like now) and it beings to hurt again. To be scorned, to be ignored, nothing, in my mind, is worse than this.
I'm trying to get through this haze of hurt because I know just beyond it is so much more. For example, I know now the kind of treatment I should give people who share their lives with me. I know now that when you are given a trusted secret, you must keep it and you must do your best to honor that person. I know now that mistakes are meant to be learned from and forgiven, not scorned and relived. I truly am grateful for the friends that I have by my side right now. I know I'm really bad at keeping up relationships which is half because people think I'm intimidating and half because I honestly like when people take the first steps towards me. I guess those two don't really work well together. I just find it frustrating to always have to be the one initiating events in friendships, but I guess a lot of times I end up doing that and people end up getting used to it, so it's mostly my fault then. But, I really do want to work on it. And my choice to stay in socal is part of that.
I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been given since I left vallejo because they really have helped me see for myself how I can live my own life in this crazy scary exciting nerve wrecking world. I know that right now, the scars of the past still sting, but I'm going to keep working my hardest to get through it because they will not hurt me forever. Not if I never forget the things I've learned. I refuse to let other people keep me down, so I'm not afraid to say that I'll stop coming back here.
I just wish that I didn't have to feel anxious about going out in public here, or remember what it was like to have a ton of people to hang out with here. Times change though, and I needed them to. I fit in better in socal, where my personal struggle with being a better friend can realistically be set to achievable goals. There's nothing but grudges, ignorance, and lack of manners here for me. At least when it comes to the social scene.
There will always be family for me here, and there will always be the few whom I trust the most. Thank goodness for that strength, and thank goodness that I still have the hope and faith to get through this all.
<3
But honestly...that's about it.
So much was taken...no. Torn. From me when we decided to go our separate ways, and by we I mean Vallejo and I. Well mostly anyways. I was never truly attached to this place, I guess that's what happens when you move around so much. And there are some heartstrings that I had to detach. I was never comfortable saying 'i'm from vallejo' because honestly, I don't think I share the same mindset as a majority of the people here. I don't identify with a lot of the same status markers, I don't share a lot of the same attitudes, and I've always felt out of place here.
Now that a lot of people I know either haven't been in touch (or been able to respond) I really don't feel like there's much reason for me to be here. There are a few friends who I simply feel out of touch with because of the distances involved with growing up. But there are also some people who I, for lack of a better word, was abandoned by. I think the reason I'm feeling so torn right now is because I was thinking about how grateful I am for the friends I have now, and the few who have stuck by me as I've moved and grown throughout the years. Then I think I noticed the concept of 'few' and I really mean few. Like, handful few. And it hurts.
For one thing, it still stings that someone who was important in my life has decided to treat me as I never existed. When there was no reason for that to happen. Some may say that our history was reason enough, but I don't think that makes this abandonment right or justified. I can't say why, but I know that this is wrong. And everytime I come home I am reminded of it. I guess I can't wrap my head around why we would endeavor to be friends only for one person to decide the friendship is over. Can one person decide to end a relationship? I thought we had figured out the answer to that one.
For another thing, I know about the gossip that spread after. I know about the things that people think. I know about the ways people judge. And to be honest, hardly anyone up here has given me a second glance since I left and that seriously (pardon my french) sucks. Sometimes I wish I was given the dignity I afford to others who have made their own mistakes in life, and sometimes my patience wears thin (like now) and it beings to hurt again. To be scorned, to be ignored, nothing, in my mind, is worse than this.
I'm trying to get through this haze of hurt because I know just beyond it is so much more. For example, I know now the kind of treatment I should give people who share their lives with me. I know now that when you are given a trusted secret, you must keep it and you must do your best to honor that person. I know now that mistakes are meant to be learned from and forgiven, not scorned and relived. I truly am grateful for the friends that I have by my side right now. I know I'm really bad at keeping up relationships which is half because people think I'm intimidating and half because I honestly like when people take the first steps towards me. I guess those two don't really work well together. I just find it frustrating to always have to be the one initiating events in friendships, but I guess a lot of times I end up doing that and people end up getting used to it, so it's mostly my fault then. But, I really do want to work on it. And my choice to stay in socal is part of that.
I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been given since I left vallejo because they really have helped me see for myself how I can live my own life in this crazy scary exciting nerve wrecking world. I know that right now, the scars of the past still sting, but I'm going to keep working my hardest to get through it because they will not hurt me forever. Not if I never forget the things I've learned. I refuse to let other people keep me down, so I'm not afraid to say that I'll stop coming back here.
I just wish that I didn't have to feel anxious about going out in public here, or remember what it was like to have a ton of people to hang out with here. Times change though, and I needed them to. I fit in better in socal, where my personal struggle with being a better friend can realistically be set to achievable goals. There's nothing but grudges, ignorance, and lack of manners here for me. At least when it comes to the social scene.
There will always be family for me here, and there will always be the few whom I trust the most. Thank goodness for that strength, and thank goodness that I still have the hope and faith to get through this all.
<3
Saturday, November 13, 2010
an email that I never read
(forgive me blog for ignoring you...i will admit tumblr was too tempting...)
Sometime ago, I wrote an email to a friend asking a very specific question. It was one of those questions that keeps you up at night to your utmost inconvenience and furthermore, one of those questions that you remember the morning after. So, almost naturally, I decided to consult one of my more prone-to-educational-debates-and-explorations type of friends whom I considered an excellent resource in this particular field. It took a little bit of time to get a response, but I did get one, and a lengthy one at that. Unfortunately I was, as I have a habit of being, consumed by commitments and all the time that I would have given up for personal philosophical research was devoted elsewhere. So, as the email prompted, I waited for time to delve into the message and gain some educational insight. I don’t know why, but I suddenly remembered that email today, as I sit in a close friends’ apartment doing laundry by myself. Well the heathen (Benji) is here as well but he’s not very good company when one has something specific to do in mind. After trying to figure out how to search for it in my mostly organized but definitely burgeoning inbox (Yes I did finally realize I should just search with the sender’s email…’duh bam’ I know right?!) I started to skim through and try to remember what it was that had prompted my question in the first place. I still have to do a more in-depth reading as well as some research into a few things for which the details are hazy in my mind, but when I reached the end, I came across a surprise. A little extra that had been added in, that up until now I hadn’t even begun to consider. I can say that I was honestly happy and honored by this section of the email and I am in fact smiling at the moment but it made me pause at the same time.
Pause to think about my own inquisitiveness, and the natural services I believe I extend towards others in this world. (Get your head out of the gutters you know who you are.)
Pause to consider for a second what an acceptance of this proposal might mean for myself.
Pause to think about how things are going for me right now, actually how they’ve been going for me my whole life and before that.
And I’ve started to think that I’m perfectly fine with where I am. Now I know that sounds stubborn but hear me out. What I mean to say is that I am perfectly fine with the pace at which I am learning, discovering and evolving (semi-ironic if you can even begin to guess what the subject matter is) in my life. Everyday, despite the challenges I face I know that there is a force for good that has been present in my life and I’m, at risk of understating myself, eternally grateful. I am also perfectly fine with the rate at which my outward profession of my beliefs is progressing.
And why?
Because I’ve noticed that more often than not, when people I am getting close to open up to me about a few of the things they think I’ve done for them (because we all know my opinion on this sort of thinking) I am told that something interesting. You all know, I’m certain, that when you begin to have your own opinion about something, or get an itch in the back of your head for a particular subject, the easiest and most natural step to take first is to seek out a path or route to let this thought follow. I think it’s fairly safe to say that almost immediately we start to think of people whom we know who either seem to share our affinity, or who seem to have some knowledge of it. What people seem to say to me (A LOT) is that they enjoy that I can be casual about certain topics and not overbearing. But they also enjoy that upon simple questioning, I’m more than willing to discuss.
Now if we’re all searching for a purpose in life, then I can honestly say I hope that being a conduit for personal growth for OTHER PEOPLE is up there on my list. If you know me like I hope you do, then you should understand that I want nothing more than to help others. Sometimes that works out for me too, and sometimes it doesn’t but that part of it hardly seems to matter most of the time. Aside from searching for a purpose, I’ve been raised to believe in other people and have faith that if we all help each other out, even just a tad, the world can and will be a better place.
So hopefully, after all this you won’t believe that I’m being complacent, stubborn, lazy or indignant. I’m simply content with the ways in which I’m learning to live life. I should say that in the past few years my rate of growth has increased exponentially (side note: that is one of my FAVORITE words in the English language) and so have the opportunities I have been granted to help influence the lives of others.
I guess if I think about it, I’m already doing some of what’s been proposed to me. I have the rest of my life to keep learning, growing, giving and humbling myself to receive and I look forward to it. I know that there’s so much more that I need to learn, but I learned full well from my own failures, that if I force myself to learn things too quickly or when I’m not quite ready the lessons don’t stick and I end up losing a big part of the message being sent my way. It’s not that I’m playing it safe, well I suppose it does sound like that, but I think that right now, the best thing I can do and the right thing for me to do is to keep growing the way I have been. I really do think that both paths proposed (the first by myself and the second by my friend the expert =D) will lead me to the same fulfilled and blessed life that I’m hoping for.
And with nothing left for me to say or explain, I guess I just want to say that while change is good, sometimes it means thinking about how we deal with what is new in our lives and changing that instead. This isn’t me attempting to send the message that ‘sometimes no is the best answer’ because I hardly believe that life can be so black and white. But I do believe that everyone’s life experience is different and so life should be thought out and lived uniquely by everyone. And that can segue into a whole new debate but that’s for another time I think.
<3bam
p.s. I know at times I can be hard headed and stubborn, as we all can be, but this time I really have thought about it and feel that this is the course of action for me. Think of it as a toned-down version of the alternate, a slower but equally deliberate course.
Sometime ago, I wrote an email to a friend asking a very specific question. It was one of those questions that keeps you up at night to your utmost inconvenience and furthermore, one of those questions that you remember the morning after. So, almost naturally, I decided to consult one of my more prone-to-educational-debates-and-explorations type of friends whom I considered an excellent resource in this particular field. It took a little bit of time to get a response, but I did get one, and a lengthy one at that. Unfortunately I was, as I have a habit of being, consumed by commitments and all the time that I would have given up for personal philosophical research was devoted elsewhere. So, as the email prompted, I waited for time to delve into the message and gain some educational insight. I don’t know why, but I suddenly remembered that email today, as I sit in a close friends’ apartment doing laundry by myself. Well the heathen (Benji) is here as well but he’s not very good company when one has something specific to do in mind. After trying to figure out how to search for it in my mostly organized but definitely burgeoning inbox (Yes I did finally realize I should just search with the sender’s email…’duh bam’ I know right?!) I started to skim through and try to remember what it was that had prompted my question in the first place. I still have to do a more in-depth reading as well as some research into a few things for which the details are hazy in my mind, but when I reached the end, I came across a surprise. A little extra that had been added in, that up until now I hadn’t even begun to consider. I can say that I was honestly happy and honored by this section of the email and I am in fact smiling at the moment but it made me pause at the same time.
Pause to think about my own inquisitiveness, and the natural services I believe I extend towards others in this world. (Get your head out of the gutters you know who you are.)
Pause to consider for a second what an acceptance of this proposal might mean for myself.
Pause to think about how things are going for me right now, actually how they’ve been going for me my whole life and before that.
And I’ve started to think that I’m perfectly fine with where I am. Now I know that sounds stubborn but hear me out. What I mean to say is that I am perfectly fine with the pace at which I am learning, discovering and evolving (semi-ironic if you can even begin to guess what the subject matter is) in my life. Everyday, despite the challenges I face I know that there is a force for good that has been present in my life and I’m, at risk of understating myself, eternally grateful. I am also perfectly fine with the rate at which my outward profession of my beliefs is progressing.
And why?
Because I’ve noticed that more often than not, when people I am getting close to open up to me about a few of the things they think I’ve done for them (because we all know my opinion on this sort of thinking) I am told that something interesting. You all know, I’m certain, that when you begin to have your own opinion about something, or get an itch in the back of your head for a particular subject, the easiest and most natural step to take first is to seek out a path or route to let this thought follow. I think it’s fairly safe to say that almost immediately we start to think of people whom we know who either seem to share our affinity, or who seem to have some knowledge of it. What people seem to say to me (A LOT) is that they enjoy that I can be casual about certain topics and not overbearing. But they also enjoy that upon simple questioning, I’m more than willing to discuss.
Now if we’re all searching for a purpose in life, then I can honestly say I hope that being a conduit for personal growth for OTHER PEOPLE is up there on my list. If you know me like I hope you do, then you should understand that I want nothing more than to help others. Sometimes that works out for me too, and sometimes it doesn’t but that part of it hardly seems to matter most of the time. Aside from searching for a purpose, I’ve been raised to believe in other people and have faith that if we all help each other out, even just a tad, the world can and will be a better place.
So hopefully, after all this you won’t believe that I’m being complacent, stubborn, lazy or indignant. I’m simply content with the ways in which I’m learning to live life. I should say that in the past few years my rate of growth has increased exponentially (side note: that is one of my FAVORITE words in the English language) and so have the opportunities I have been granted to help influence the lives of others.
I guess if I think about it, I’m already doing some of what’s been proposed to me. I have the rest of my life to keep learning, growing, giving and humbling myself to receive and I look forward to it. I know that there’s so much more that I need to learn, but I learned full well from my own failures, that if I force myself to learn things too quickly or when I’m not quite ready the lessons don’t stick and I end up losing a big part of the message being sent my way. It’s not that I’m playing it safe, well I suppose it does sound like that, but I think that right now, the best thing I can do and the right thing for me to do is to keep growing the way I have been. I really do think that both paths proposed (the first by myself and the second by my friend the expert =D) will lead me to the same fulfilled and blessed life that I’m hoping for.
And with nothing left for me to say or explain, I guess I just want to say that while change is good, sometimes it means thinking about how we deal with what is new in our lives and changing that instead. This isn’t me attempting to send the message that ‘sometimes no is the best answer’ because I hardly believe that life can be so black and white. But I do believe that everyone’s life experience is different and so life should be thought out and lived uniquely by everyone. And that can segue into a whole new debate but that’s for another time I think.
<3bam
p.s. I know at times I can be hard headed and stubborn, as we all can be, but this time I really have thought about it and feel that this is the course of action for me. Think of it as a toned-down version of the alternate, a slower but equally deliberate course.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
fail.
i fail at updating this.
more so...i fail at quite a few other things...
-motivating myself in spite of my laziness, fatigue, etc.
-getting easy assignments done early.
-making time for other people. (i get so anxious i make time for myself and i forget others).
-reminding myself that I'm important to someone even if i'm neglected by others).
-budgeting. T.T
-thinking just far enough ahead that I don't freak out.
-coming up with a better plan.
-remembering that most plans fall through.
-picking up my phone.
-paying my bills.
ok now that's out of the way. some thing's i've started to do right:
-stay at home to recover from being sick, not using the time to do other stupid things.
-bought food so i can eat from home not from anywhere else.
-started to clean my room. (it needs work)
-started to try to make plans for postgrad life.
-owning up to the mistakes i've made financially.
-facing up to my parent's expectations of me.
-making myself more open to people. (never mind that few seem to take the intiative i present them [i guess i'm still 'unapproachable'] but oh well there's only so much i can do about my situation with other people, they have to do some work to and i can tell when people are lazy/comfortable).
-seeing all the areas I need to work on.
I'm not perfect but I'm trying to be a good person.
"The best way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." -Walt Disney
<3bam
more so...i fail at quite a few other things...
-motivating myself in spite of my laziness, fatigue, etc.
-getting easy assignments done early.
-making time for other people. (i get so anxious i make time for myself and i forget others).
-reminding myself that I'm important to someone even if i'm neglected by others).
-budgeting. T.T
-thinking just far enough ahead that I don't freak out.
-coming up with a better plan.
-remembering that most plans fall through.
-picking up my phone.
-paying my bills.
ok now that's out of the way. some thing's i've started to do right:
-stay at home to recover from being sick, not using the time to do other stupid things.
-bought food so i can eat from home not from anywhere else.
-started to clean my room. (it needs work)
-started to try to make plans for postgrad life.
-owning up to the mistakes i've made financially.
-facing up to my parent's expectations of me.
-making myself more open to people. (never mind that few seem to take the intiative i present them [i guess i'm still 'unapproachable'] but oh well there's only so much i can do about my situation with other people, they have to do some work to and i can tell when people are lazy/comfortable).
-seeing all the areas I need to work on.
I'm not perfect but I'm trying to be a good person.
"The best way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." -Walt Disney
<3bam
Thursday, February 25, 2010
it's a fact.
People suck.
Honestly, I haven’t been this fucking disappointed in a while. You know what makes it worse though? Border line heartbreaking? I NEVER thought these people would hurt me like this. Not after everything I thought we had grown through. Not after everything I thought we had agreed upon.
I guess I used to believe that people are growing up alongside you, they’re really only just at the same point you’re at only for that moment in time. After that, they might never be alongside you again. Why am I always so stubborn to believe that some people are hurting me until the pain is infuriating?
Why do I always brush aside tears of frustration and annoyance to wait for tears of heartbreak?
I really need to be as honest with myself as I am with other people. That’ll be my next step/goal for growing up.
Ask me what one of my prayers constantly is for, and I’ll say understanding.
<3bam
Honestly, I haven’t been this fucking disappointed in a while. You know what makes it worse though? Border line heartbreaking? I NEVER thought these people would hurt me like this. Not after everything I thought we had grown through. Not after everything I thought we had agreed upon.
I guess I used to believe that people are growing up alongside you, they’re really only just at the same point you’re at only for that moment in time. After that, they might never be alongside you again. Why am I always so stubborn to believe that some people are hurting me until the pain is infuriating?
Why do I always brush aside tears of frustration and annoyance to wait for tears of heartbreak?
I really need to be as honest with myself as I am with other people. That’ll be my next step/goal for growing up.
Ask me what one of my prayers constantly is for, and I’ll say understanding.
<3bam