pause.

You know that odd suspended characteristic that movies take on when you hit the pause button in the middle of a scene? I feel as if someone has hit the pause button on my emotions at the moment. I'm capable of feeling happy, capable of feeling anxious and yet, I force myself not to be sad, as if I know it will come and I'm not so much bracing myself for it as prolonging it for when it's more appropriate.

The last final is out of the way, as is the last essay and the clock is ticking in my ear with the most resounding tones I've ever heard. You think about your life at the little pauses you get in between the big events, the five seconds of your life story in which you get to breathe and take a look around you before someone hits play and you're right back in the action again. I suppose I can say that I saw this coming, and we all know what lies ahead of us when we walk into these kinds of situations, but I find the battle to hold onto the pause button growing harder and harder to stabilize. Part of me wants to fast forward to get to a point where I won't have to worry about this situation and to the part where I get to be happy with the one thing I want. But that part of me realizes what comes with it, and that's whats holding the button down.

What wants to let go? The part of me that wants to tell the world that I'm ok before anything's even had the chance to impact me. That's the part of myself that I'm truly afraid of. That's where the fear comes from. Part of me wanting to leap into the unknown and let the world have at me, and part of me wanting to just get to the comfortable part.

My life's never been one smooth road, now there have been potholes and speedbumps all along the way. But I'm grateful for it. I know a true high from a real low, and I have to say that they are altogether the same at their most basic description. This doesn't go so far as to say that life is monotone, rather that I know deep down that I have nothing to fear which is why I go on. Which is why I bother. Which is why I allow myself to pause for a second. I know I'm not missing anything and I know that there's everything to miss.

Ahh...dualities.

Less than a month and counting. It will be ok.

<3bam

tying it all together...and sealing it with a kiss

As 2008 comes to a close I guess I'm thinking about how I'll remember this year and I suppose I'll remember it as the year I realized I'm closer to growing up than I thought. The year brought many joys, along with many sorrows and many adventures in between. I've felt myself tugged in many directions and absorbed into many situations but I'm still standing strong and I can honestly say I believe in myself a lot more than I did before.

I remember at the beginning of the year I was having trouble motivating and staying ahead of things, but I find myself back in the loop and helping it circle this little world we all live in. I feel more connected with myself and the parts of me that had been locked away for somewhat silly reasons. A lot of change has happened for me and I've been put on trial for aspects of my personality that had gone unchallenged for so long but I plan on sticking to who I am and staying true.

Thinking about change makes me think about the problems that I've faced this year, many of them are problems that I envisioned myself facing later on in life, but lo and behold life waits for no one. I think I've grown from my experiences and I've learned to let things by that can't be helped and to hold on to what I truly cherish. Of course, there are certain things that people want me to let go of, but that just gets filed under "well why do I have to live my life by your standards and beliefs while you claim mine are inadequate for you" in my book. I know who I am and what I'm doing as an active member of my world and I think that if we can all just trust one another to get our own personal lives in order then the rest will follow through when we come together in our various relationships and groups.

I worry about certain things like my impending long distance relationship, possible graduation, finding a job that will allow me to stay above water in this economy, paying off my debts, and my role in the groups which I'm a part of. However, one of the biggest changes I've made to myself in this past year is to control my worrying. I've always been one to automatically envision the worst possible outcome of a situation and prepare for it, but I was helped along to realize that while worrying I was missing out on a lot of the world that I love so much. So the progress I've made to not worry so much and be more action and positive oriented is very encouraging as the new year approaches.

I feel as if I've entered into one of my limbo stages where I'm not quite sure how I fit in socially because I've undergone some changes, but I know that like all my past phases, this too shall pass. Lol. Silly little joke there. Anyways, I know this is early but I really can't help but think about my year as so many things wind down to a close. It's ridiculous really the amount of life that I've experienced to the fullest in this past year. I really feel as if 2008 came in leaps and bounds rather than sliding and sailing and I'm glad for it. Of course it's been a terrible year for me healthwise (which is partially why I'm terrified of getting my tonsils out in the next two weeks) but I'm hoping next year will bring me better luck.

Highlights:

-Falling in love with MCIA over and over again despite the struggles that I've been through finding my place on the team. I really do believe we all fit into the family and add a little spice into the family as long as we allow each other to share fully who we are. It's a process but I enjoy seeing everyone come together and create a new unified whole. Melting pots and cosmopolitans for the win.

-Moving out of campus oriented living and into a space that's unique and really home. I don't think of my house in vallejo as home anymore for two reasons 1) i've never lived there as the longest i've ever been in the house at one time was two weeks 2) there is no space for me there as all my other siblings are currently residing there. Therefore I see this "grove" as my home, and the first step towards my impending (oooh there is that word again!) independence. It's a small step but it's a greatly appreciated one. I really couldn't ask for a better living situation.

-Helping out my fraternity through my love of dance and my appreciation of brotherhood was probably one of the BEST parts of my year. Sure it meant an all nighter with the team and then staying up to work on papers with andrew, and then not getting any real sleep before the competition itself but my God it was worth it. I'm a sucker for emotion and I cried when we won and after the team performed cause I saw the immediate effect of hard work that was only encouraged by myself and a few others turn into a huge success. JiggaRho has so much to be proud of. My passions finally came together when JiggaRho allowed me to come into their practices and help them out. I got to serve my brothers, help my friends, and dance ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Also I got to work on my leadership skills and they were in need of some honing but JiggaRho was nice enough to let me help and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I would write more but I think those experiences are still working into my system and I know that they will be brought up later so there's no rush really. Sigh. A year well spent.

<3bam