time...

...has truly flown by.

I just applied for graduation.

I'm gonna let that sink in for a sec and then I'll be back to write more.

<3samBAM

not sitting right...

I was just being nostalgic and thinking about how this senior year feels for me as compared to my high school senior year and I just realized that there are a few loose ends still out there that are bugging me. Some of these hurts, I've been told to just let go of, to just suck it up and move on. But I've never really believed that it's ok or possible to just leave situations like that alone and unresolved. I feel at a loss for words for how I feel about these things, but it's starting to feel like it's time to just make things right. So that before I move on from this stage, I can at least feel full resolution from things that should have been solved long ago.

Now it's all very well and easy to say this but I'm not quite sure how to go about it. Some people will not be reasoned with, and let's face it, when you're being totally ignored by someone it's harder still to convince them that you just want to talk or you just want to change things from so called "bad" terms to at least neutral ones. i'm not asking for a full on bestfriendshipohmygodcallmeeverydayok sort of thing, I just want things to be cool between me and some people.

I hope I can find ways to gain some resolution in these matters because I've tried the whole give it time thing, and it hasn't worked. The holes I feel are still there.

<3samBAM

grateful

dear lord,

thank you for this struggle and the ever present need to do more, be more and learn more.

thanks.


<3 me.


soooooooooooo life is hard, what else is new, what's great though is that it's liveable. and surely, step by step, things are turning around. I'll do a better update soon I swear, but this week is as close to the peak of stress as can be for me so bear with me til I have breathing time.


dear des,

i love you and thank you for taking care of me and making me feel like my goals are accomplishable and my life is good.




<3samBAM

too long...

i was going to write a blog updating this blog just for the sake of updating but then i realized...there are somethings that have taken "too long" and are now damaged...

it's late though so i'll update this later....that sudden change in inspiration took me by surprise. so, as i often do, but this time with more hope than before, more to come later.

<3 bam

simplicity.

I love the life I have created for myself, and I am respectfully proud of who I am and grateful for those who helped me get here.

Thank God.

<3bam

what i want...

I suppose it's been a while since I've delved into myself and myself feel a little uncomfortable, but I feel like going there right now. Why? I don't know, but I feel like I need to. It's therapeutic after all to break yourself down (in a safe way) every now and then and re-examine the bits and pieces you've find. I think it's one of the best ways to see how you've warped as fragments and yet still maintained your same self.

Moving on from the explanation of where I'm going...I suppose that right now I WANT to feel certain things and I NEED to feel certain things, and the difference between the two is pretty glaring. I WANT to feel happy, accomplished, calm, proud, useful and needed. I NEED to feel secure, strong, hopeful, and valuable. The difference? I can fool myself into thinking I feel what I want to feel and its effortless, I have to put effort into feeling what I need to feel and often lie to myself about how well its going.

Tricky situation no? To be pulled in one direction tell yourself you're going that way to keep yourself pushing only to realize the attempt may have been futile and then re-realize you've been kidding yourself and go the opposite way with just as much drive as you did your original direction. Imagine fighting both sides of your own war in your head, conceding and gaining with each breath you take, and you have the reason for my constant silence, my introspection.

Truth of the matter is that there are very few times now when I am sure as to what I am feeling, and that scares me. I know that I feel love for my family, and I know that I feel love for Des. I know that I am grateful for the life I now live. and then everything gets hazy.

I don't suppose I'm depressed, just contemplative. Things keeping me awake at night that I didn't even know were bugging me. Am I anxious? Yes. Am I worried? No. Anxious because I'm not sure what I'll learn about myself this time, but not worried because if I can handle it as well as I have the past few times I've done this then I'll come out stronger and yet again one step closer to who I want to be.

And now a few random things I want to spew out...these are for different random people whom i'll never disclose...i just want these things and yet i know i wont get most of them so just saying it gets it off my mind...

...i want you to say you're sorry for being so horrible to me, i want you to own up for what you did and take your share of the blame off my back...

...i want you to know how much i care about you, and i want to start over with how i've treated our relationship...

...i want you to realize that i'm not mad, dissappointed yes, but not mad, just talk to me so we can work it out, ill try harder this time...

...i want to stick with this cool thing we've got but i think it may be time for me to move on...

...i want the truth.

sigh, ok that was a lot off my mind. and now to bed.

<3bam

and im back...

back in the U.S.

back in the "long-distance" part of the relationship.

back at home.

back on my own during the day.

back feeling like my other half is just missing.

back to driving on the "right" side of the street.

back to chain restaurants and cheap drinks.

back to familiar scenes and sounds.

back to my dogs.

back to my family.

back to my friends.

I had the best trip of my life while in Australia. Let me put it this way, if you could live and feel the euphoria you would feel in a really good dream then that's how I lived for the past five weeks. Life felt so surreal and I finally felt that hole in my head filled because I was around the one I love the most. The food tasted better, the hours went by sweeter, and time was kind. The trip went by hastily but at the same time it went just fast enough for me to feel happy and feel like I was making up for all the days I spent miserable. I love Des so much and he's right in everything he consoles me with. I love our relationship, I love the life that he opens up for me, and I'm grateful, so so grateful, to God for being blessed with this relationship and for Des.

I'll finish my blog about Aus for sure even if it's going to take some time. I'm really sad right now because I miss the life I had while I was there and I miss the company of my other half, but it'll be ok. Another few months until I get another hug and I know we can make it. Past this point, we'll have spent more time apart than together but that's ok. Because we make up for it in essence.

Happy 11 month anniversary darling, it sucks that that had to be the day I left, but it's ok. I love you.


Sigh...and now to forage around for some food...not that i actually want to eat anything here...i only want to eat what baby had to feed me...he picked the food and where we ate...i hate having to decide for myself all the time, half the fun of a relationship is getting someone else's opinions and choices...

for all who are in a relationship with normal distances between partners, don't take it for granted, and don't think that you have it easier than me.

with love,

bam

jetsetting...

well not really. im currently in australia visiting my super amazingboyfriend and in order to keep track of things and to keep people updated ive created a newblog.


http://bamsinaustralia.blogspot.com/


check it outfor periodic updates and photos!!


<3bam

keep going!!

ok this quarter is OFFICIALLY whooping my butt. T.T

I sit here completely distracted and unable to focus...and I have a midterm tomorrow. FML.

I will note though that I have accomplished a LOT for myself that I wanted to do lately, and my goodness...I am so happy and I feel so blessed to finally feel my life moving forward. It's a scary thought and that hazy "someday when i graduate from college" is not so hazy anymore. But anywhos here's a quick pick me upper list of stuff I'm glad I finally got the chance to get around to. smiles and hugs to all those who helped.

happy stuff:
-work at a steady on campus job
-start cooking for myself on a regular basis
-choreo a whacking piece that would be used in a set
-get choreo into a set for mcia
-become part of official leadership for a team
-fulfill requirements to pick up a little(s) (the actual picking up will be soon so taking care of littles will be added after that)
-get a funky hair dye job
-fall in love with my boyfriend again
-book a trip to somewhere in the world that I've never been to
-get myself out there in aphio again
-reconnect with people
-connect on a deeper level with people i already surround myself with
-help out a friend whom i've been waiting to figure out how to help (because she never seems to need any of the help i could give)

and i guess thats just a few without getting super specific.

Thanks God and everyone for all the love, pushing, shoving, smiling, and cheering. This quarter may be kicking my butt but at least I can feel life pulling at me, and I don't feel stagnant anymore.

<3samBAM

it'll be ok.

dear darling,

I know the world is a frustrating place and I know how hard it can be to keep your thoughts floating high amidst the sea of people determined to win the "my life is worse than yours" competition, but I believe in you. Never have I doubted your ability to maintain your dignity or your ability to overcome the blindness of others. If we can all see the way our world is trying to help us live a good life then we can be happy, and we can get past our love for loathing. You can rise above, and you will, just believe in it.

I go through my day despising people here and there and claiming that "people suck" yet despite my pessimism, I always feel content at the end of the day and I always tell myself that all my work during the day paid off, even if I'm not the one reaping the rewards. For example, me being cautious in the parking structure after some idiot cut me off while making a wide turn while talking on their cell phone pays off because after I get angry I wait for a good spot, get one, and in turn I get to be polite to someone who otherwise might have felt rushed to get out of their parking spot and I spare those who encounter me during my wait the hassle of yet another irresponsible driver. I guess I'm outwardly pessimistic yet inside I'm still optimistic little me.

Why? Because like you, I'm forced to conform to people around me who only want to aknowledge how hard it is for them. Fight it. Be proud of your hard life. It will be ok. Trust me. Faith.

I love you.

<3sami

i just need...

...a little of your time, a little of your time to say the things i never said...

too often i think of things i wish i had said in moments gone by.

like today.

"yes, i'll be there...i'm here getting ready aren't i?"

"sure, but did you really expect that to be received well?"

"i'm really not in the mood for people's idiocy today. actually i'm just not in the mood for other people today, i'd like to just zoom in on me for a day and give myself the attention i'm not getting in return. but yeah....it'll get better...yeah it'll be gone by tomorrow."

"why do I do this again?"

"No, you do it."

"could you please stop bugging me and just handle your business already."

"well that's fucking stupid."


and more...today was frustrating. one of those me against humanity kinds of days. it had its ups, but i think im starting to feel the strain of gaining my motivation back.

like my facebook status says, I really just can't be bothered with anything at the moment. get back to me later, when I have the willingness to care again.

it would've been nice to NOT hear the same comment today but from a different mouth that hurt me so badly yesterday...lets try to pay just a little more attention to people guys...i really thought the first one was an honest slip up. but can i ask honestly, am i that easy to ignore when im not making the effort for/towards you?

every now and then we need a little time away...

<3bam

used and abused...left to my own deVICES

lately i've been feeling pushed to the side,
not the far side, just to the side,
taken out of the mainstream if you will
but still tugging along in the current
pursuing the pull if you will
yet never grabbing hold of the rope.

over, and over, and over,
i tumble, rise, slip.

like raindrops at the very start of the mist,
first one, then another,
then a pause.
then another, and that's it.

hazy grey mist, bright blue skies,
a bright yellow sun,
and I'm feeling better.

then i start to think.

the hours melt into the
screen melts into the
desk melts into the
floor rises up to meet
my feet are grounded.

good stuff.

pitter, patter, there it goes,
again, and again,
and a pause,
til next time!

<3samBAM

before the bug bites

ahh the joy that is spring quarter. I have given myself a FULL plate this quarter and i hope hope hope that I will be able to handle it. I don't know what I will do when things REALLY start to get crazy, but I have full belief that I can do it. Just have to knuckle down on myself.

This quarter it will be an interesting balancing act dancing with APO and MCIA. I look forward to the experience but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. During the day I will be working MWF and have full class days on TuTh. Finding time here and there for HW is going to be critical and I'm going to HAVE to start getting things (i.e. papers and whatnot) done early. But that's fine.

Because in 11.5 weeks, I will be on a plane to go and see the boy who makes my heart do summersaults! =) The flight is booked, my passport application has been submitted so now it's all finishing touches. I'm still worried about two things that I'll have to deal with when I get there...but I think everything can be managed. =) I feel so much happier now that I know when I'll be seeing him in person again. You have no idea how much it drives me nuts to have to wake up, read an email from him and then try to fill my day with things to do so the wait til he wakes up (which is around 5pm our time) so I can speak to him again. IF the day isn't busy for me, or for him that's what it's like. This quarter will make it difficult to stick to that schedule but you know me, determined to try and more than willing to die in the process. hahaha

I know that last spring quarter, in the month before APO dance comp I was going full sprint attending MCIA practices on a normal schedule, advising at APO practices every night that I wasnt with MCIA, barely making it to class, working when I was able to squeeze it in, and interviewing with pledges. FML. The day of dance comp/after dance comp I was so worn out that I literally gave it my last push to get through dance comp and had to try to make it to the end of the quarter without completely burning out. I know I was doing too much then, and sure I have more now but now I have something much better to help me along, a strong supporting boyfriend, and the motivation that helps me accomplish impossible feats (this is the motivation that I lost a couple years back). Last spring quarter was a full sprint to the finish running on half a tank, and NOW I am running at my own pace, and I brought snacks to keep my energy up. =)

I'm funny...trying to sound all cool. hahahaha I'm jsut so excited and anxious for this quarter that I suppose I'm trying to express everything all at once and in my opinion it's translating funny.

I'll blog more this quarter abuot how I'm coping with the stress, but know that I am totally up for this challenge. Let me know if you're interested in becoming a part of spring madness! hahahaha


<3bam

re-inspired by the same man

i remember once again my goal in dance. i want to dance and move like him. not exactly but close. more feminine for sure, but i LOVE the general feel/groove of his pieces. this one has re-inspired how i feel about my own dancing and reinforced the positive feelings i've had about myself lately.

i love dancing. and i love that i was given the chance in college to revitalize dance in my life. i also love that my boyfriend is passionate about dance. and on top of that, he lives in the same country as one of my biggest dance idols. so this summer, you can bet, i'll be taking that class. i'm not gonna be the best, i'm probably going to be out of my box completely, but i'm going to be there and i'm going to work my ass off at it too.

<3bam

two months post-departure

It took TWO MONTHS for us to hit our first snag...but it'll be ok. Time and Faith will help us triumph I know it.


There are around 12 weeks until my planned trip to Australia to visit him and I never expected to get to the halfway point and be as happy as I am. We've worked out when to communicate, how to share our time, and how to maintain this relationship so easily that I'm counting myself as blessed every night before I go to bed and every morning before I launch myself out into the world. I know that not everything in life is easy, but I've found that what makes all that hullabaloo tolerable is when some things JUST WORK.

We'll have to take our time to conquer this ... hurdle....we'll call it a hurdle because there are so many different approaches to it, and it's not like it's a massive wall. We can see our goal, we know how we want to get there, we know that we have choices to make to get there, steps to take if you will. Most importantly though, we know that whether we fall over it, the hurdle breaks, or we just clera the obstacle we'll make it through. I'm not really big on finishing first, trophies never seem to sparkle in my eyes, I just want the chance to run my life how I want to, and to be with the one I love. It'll be ok, I believe in that, and I believe in him.

I'll be going home for spring break soon, and I'm looking forward to a little respite and some quality time with my family (especially my mom). I know things will be far from calm, but I can hope for the best can't I?

It's an odd state of mind that I'm in at this exact moment. Overall I'm happy because things are going exceedingly well for me, the turn around that I was hoping for in my life has succeeded. Emotionally though I'm torn between a trauma that's been reignited, and being stronger than I think I am. How do you cope when you want to kick and scream and cry but yet you know that even the venting relief you get from that won't do you any good because you can't afford to be that emotional? Psychologically, I'm trying to convince myself that I can keep all these positive influences up and that I am the cause of my success so I have to be the one to manage it. It's hard when you feel like circumstances are constantly stacked against you and you only get by on luck, but I think this area at least I can handle on my own. Socially, simply stated, I am awkward. It's hard for me to be around too many people and yet I struggle sometimes when I am on my own with only a few close others. There is no drama to speak of, I just feel awkward...like I have trouble being entirely present...i like to think this is because my other half is halfway around the world in a very different time zone but that's me. Physically, I am weak. I have been sick for ALL of winter quarter now, and my body is having trouble maintaining enough energy throughout the week to keep me going AND to keep me alive. The cough starts out ok on monday and goes right back to deep and hacking by the time I get to thursday. I try to sleep as much as I can and I try to do my best when I eat, but nothing is helping...hopefully spring break I can make a full recovery...or at least figure out if there is some deeper medical problem.

That aside, things are going well. APO dance comp has started and at the beginning of our journey I find myself a captain for the team. I hope that my passion and commitment can help me help the team and my bros. MCIA is as amazing as ever, a family like none other in all senses of the phrase.

I do love my life, and because of that I recognize that it has to be hard. I'll smile while I work and maintain my compiosure while I play because that's how and who I am.

I'm cool with that. =)

<3samBAM

time: found.

So I find myself with time on my hands and no real rush to complete digest anything on my metaphorical plate and I suppose that's a good thing because I've been chewing on several ideas for a while now and it's about time I spat them out. Pardon the food dialogue, I'm experiencing the munchies. >.<

I guess the most prominent idea on my mind at the moment is growth. I've been thinking a lot about my own growth lately and I've come to see certain things about myself that I think are impressive, I mean self-confidence starts with finding something you like in yourself so in no way do I feel like this is bragging or over prideful. When we think about change for the better it often times leads us to believe that we must change in terms of leaving behind the past and moving on towards the future along a new (or somewhat new) path. I have found though, that the most recent change in myself that has shot me forward on my path towards the future is a regression towards my past along a path that I had previously left/rejected. As a simplified explanation that isn't over emotional I'll simply suggest that I have regained my previous descriptors of being "highly motivated" and "effective." Most of the people I have discussed the subject of motivation with always felt that motivation was defined in terms of what you were willing to do or try with your allotted time on earth and your reasons for doing what you did. I found myself failing to be a motivated individual under these terms as the second half of my freshmen year and my second year of college passed by and I was committed to many projects in my time but failed to find over 60% of them fully satisfying. That's not an arbitrary precent, it means to say that thus far, in my college career that is, I have only felt fully satisfied that 40% of the work I have done has been entirely satisfying after post-analysis and thought were completed. But now, I find myself reborn almost into the motivation that I felt as a high school junior and senior, that is, constantly striving for even more to complete in my time and committing myself in capacities that are more aspiring than reality may allow for. But I find that I am more satisfied with these efforts than I have been in the past two years. The fruits of my newest labors are finally as sweet as I know they should be. It's an odd thing to explain I suppose but my so called "regression" has helped me relaunch myself forward towards my dream.

I have also encountered growth in terms of others/groups and I suppose this has been one of the meatier concepts that I've had to chew. (Yes I'm still hungry) I have had discussions with very many people about the growth of certain individuals/groups/organizations/friendships/areas and throughout all of these I noticed that I encounter a lot of cynicism because things nowadays hardly line up with ideals that were instituted in previous (and thus different) time-frames. The thing that underlies many of the cynical comments seems ironic almost in a sense because people would rather be cynical to a fault rather than address where their cynicism is coming from and there is hardly ever discussion on whether or not the cynicism is founded/well-biased or even worth bringing into the current dialogue of things based on it's historical nature. Basically, people are afraid of two things a) things that are different b) being the primary object deigned as old/outdated and I suppose this dichotomy makes "far of change" slightly more suitable for dialogue. People are afraid of things that do not line up with what they believe or know to be true because they do not how to INTERACT with that which is not defined. Human culture dictates that we have POWER over nature's phenomena because we can define nature and the phenomena that exist within nature and proceed to interact with nature within these definitions. For example, you would be afraid if someone told you that the oceans were become fresh-water instead of salt-water. Why would you be afraid? Simply because you would not know how to deal with the concept of the majority of our planet consisting of fresh instead of salt water. Too obscure? Then how about this, suppose someone told you that your organization too aloof and informal. You as a socialized being in this organization would feel upset, and need to be convinced of the idea that your current sense of organization is not good enough. Why would this disparity exist and why is it that it may not even be worth it to discuss this with those proposing the new idea? Because your ideals of the organization were set during a time when the organization was structured in a way that was still efficient for the organizational body's needs. That is to say, the way things were being run when you were introduced to teh organization was well suited to the demographic and social makeup of the people within the organization at the time. When the demographic and social makeup of the organization changes, it may not be up to par with the updated statistics and thus would be viewed as inadequate. I suppose my idea of a solution for this is to consider the fact that in organizations that intend to exist for prolonged periods of time it is wrong to be cynical of change that is going on within the structure of the organization because the organization itself must become lifelike and mature. I don't think that proposing to keep the former structures simply because they are already instituted is ever the right way to go. I'm a fan of constant manipulations, because things at one point in time are literally as good as they get at that one point in time. You have to take into consideration a cross-sectional analysis of your situation EVEN if you're problem is longitudinal. (If you don't understand that it's probably because of my failure to come up with a concrete example, I don't wish to higlight anyones comments or any organizations particulars which is why I have been as vague as possible).

Another concept with which I have been struggling is the correlation between commitment and sacrifice. Although the two seem to be of disconnected families of thought, I argue that the two are twins under the same parenting situations. Commitment is engaging in an activity in a proactive way. Sacrifice is engaging in an activity in a passive way, it is a sense both proactive and retroactive. Commitment is taking a spot in a group. Sacrifice is giving up a spot, or the idea of taking a spot so that someone else may in habit it. Sacrifice creates the means for commitment, while commitment leads to the terms of sacrifice. Vicious cycle? Hardly. I find sacrifice to be as beautiful as commitment, however it is too negatively connoted to be a sad departure previous states of being for most people to appreciate it. People are either afraid of sacrifice, shy away from it, or speak harshly of those who commit it. I'm always under the impression that people occupy the spaces they are most suited for at any given point in time, and that time brings everyone to positions in which they are meant to fill. I hope that more people can embrace the idea of sacrifice as well as they have embraced the idea of commitment. By this I mean saying no to certain situations for others or the GROUPS benefit rather than your own even if you end up gaining somehow, and seeing sacrifice as means to a deeper form of commitment. This deeper commitment being the commitment to an ideal rather than to a space.

Assuming that you've read all that you're probably feeling a little curious as to why I've been thinking about these things and no doubt you even have your suspicions for the particular situations I hold these thoughts in reference to. That is, may I politely remind you, ONLY your interpretation and should you want your ideas confirmed or negated I am more than open and willing to dialogue with you about this. Please do not assume what I am referring to and then attempt to dialogue with me that way, it's kind of rude to enter into a conversation assuming that you already understand the person you are communicating with and thus you are demanding an explanation for why that person believes what they do. Quite simply, you wouldn't want to be "assumed" by someone else so please take that into consideration.

That's all for today/now.

Time has found me with the same efficiency that I have found myself.

<3samBAM

decency...

either i'm completely confused and my ideals are all wrong or my idea of decency really can't be afforded by others...

...i'll never stop caring about the people in my life, i just wish they'd stop hurting me.

<3sami

something a little less serious

so a friend of mine blogged this on fb and I just thought it would be interesting to do. no its not one of those "if i write your name here you have to do it or blah blah blah" i kind of just want to answer these for myself. hopefully a year from now i can redo it and compare, i like doing that. if you've done these surveys before you really should try looking back at your old answers, you might be surprised by what you find. or who you find....(oooo mystery)

TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars?: fell into a pool filter when i was little, i'll never forget NOT feeling the pain despite the blood gushing down my leg

How did you celebrate your last birthday?: I went to disneyland with MCIA, my wonderful boyfriend took me out to dinner at Olive Garden, and my parents helped me move into my new place and gave their approval of the most important person in my life.

How are you feeling at this moment?: almost tired enough to sleep, damn this dancers insomnia

How did your night go last night?: alright, it was entertaining to say the least.

How did you do in high school?: i did well, overachiever, and now im suffering the burn out.

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?: boyfriend left it for me to sleep in.

How often do you see your best friend?: i live with one of them, i see my babygirl as often as i can, i vchat with the bf all the time and all my other bestfriends are within a seconds grasp.

How much money did you spend last month?: oi...lets not go into that

How old do you want to be when you get married?: under 30, i wanna get a headstart on that happy life. =)

How do you know if you're hated?: well...i don't really care...hahaha


NINE WHAT'S:

Your mother’s name?: cecilia

What did you do last weekend?: uh...relaxed after the two most hectic and trying weeks thus far

What is the most important part of your life?: love. feeling it, sharing it and spreading it.

What would you rather be doing?: hugging my boyfriend til i fell asleep.

What did you last cry over?: feeling alone

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?: a hug, even though i start crying harder the minute im hugged its usually better that i get the tears out faster then calm down sooner

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?: as of now, faith and communication.

What are you worried about?: grades, succeeding, making everyone see me for who i've become since i entered college

What did you have for breakfast?: nothing, i woke up performed, had jamba juice and red mango then came home and took a nap.


EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?: yeah but it wasnt ever serious.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?: yes, but to be honest i've done my share of heartbreaking and neither feels quite good...=/

Have you ever been out of the country?: yes.

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?: who hasnt?!

Have you ever been backstabbed by a friend?: yes, thus she is no longer in my life, other than that, never has anyone hurt me so

Have you ever had sex on the beach?: no...

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?: nope, im stuck with that stigma placed on me by society, but im ok with it, really.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?: ohhhhh yeah harry potter 4 and up!! woot woot


SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?: jenhabib

Who was the last person you texted?: CC

Who was the last person you hungout with?: habib, cc, favorrrite, thomas, kirby

Who was the last person to call you?: my new boss. =)

Who did you last hug?: CC

Who is the last person who texted you?: uh andrew? iono

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?: my amazing boyfriend. =)



SIX WHERE’S:

Where does your best friend live?: all over the place!!!

Where did you last go?: to you and i sushi for ALL YOU CAN EAT!! WOOOO

Where did you last hang out?: my living room, it was chill.

Where do you go to school?: UCI

Where is your favorite place to be?: in bed, under the covers, wrapped up and warm

Where did you sleep last night?: my bed, alone...=/


FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?: DUH

Do you think anyone likes you?: Mmmhmm

Do you ever wish you were someone else?: nope, i like who i am and i love myself. to the proper degree of course.

Do you know the muffin man?: no...im more of a cake person

Does the future scare you?: yes, but im ok with it now since theres at least a sketch of a plan in place.


FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?: there are so many reasons but mainly its becaues theyve shown me unconditional love and theyve let me influence their lives as much as i let them influence mine

Why did you get a MySpace?: needed a new one to replace the old one and the memories that came with it

Why did your parents give you the name you have?: my mommy picked it cause she didnt like the name my daddy picked, love you mom. seriously. do i look like a tabitha?!

Why are you doing this survey? to relax myself, and to make myself fall asleep.


THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?: teleportation, so i could see my baby whenever.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?: I would've gone after him sooner, and not been so scared. (how's that for going public)

If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring one thing what would you bring?: a boat?


TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?: no, i'm happy where i am and i think we're all different people now. we're still friends though. well im still friends with one, and thats proving good, but the other...guess he needs to work on his definition of friend.

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?: i wouldnt want to but i would.


ONE LAST QUESTION:

Are you happy with your life right now?: yes, definitely.


mmmmmmmmmmk well that was fun and I think that I will be vastly intrigued by my answers later on down the line.

I hope you found that the least bit entertaining, i know I did. Off to bed with me now.

Peace and goodnight!

<3bam

Room to Breathe

I know that in my last blog I said I would update my thoughts and feelings about vibe however as I am still digesting those thoughts and feelings I think that can wait for another day. Instead there are quite a few things I've felt like blogging about that I guess I'm going to use this rare moment to breathe to express.

Thinking about what I just typed I realize that it really isn't rare in my life anymore that I stop to "smell the roses." Ever since I met Des (and yes you can make that as corny and romantic as you'd like) I've learned how to slow down amidst this crazy hectic life we live and just appreciate what is around you, the good and the bad. This has led me to countless opportunities in which I have simply taken the bad with the good and come out of frustrating situations feeling as if I was silly to have been frustrated in the first place. Which goes to say a lot of my old life has been proven wrong in the past five months, a fate which I am eternally grateful for.

Five months is such a short time, and yet, I feel as if years were compressed into those five months. In five months time I will see Des again, and even though we'll have spent more time apart than together since we entered into this relationship, we'll be all the more stronger for it. A lot of couples who get to spend most of their time within physical proximity encounter the problem of "the comfort zone" and I will admit that not having this problem, and having overcome it in the four months we were blessed with, is nothing short of awesome. I never have to hold back from saying something or doing something out of character for fear that it will disrupt the normal "flow" of things because it's normal for us to push each other around (in a strictly metaphorical way) and end up holding (in this case psychologically) each other more passionately than before. There is nothing I cannot say, there is nothing he feels he has to hide, and we communicate so completely and thoroughly that it scares me that three weeks have already gone by.

I've lost my old ambitions yes, but the new ones that I have gained promise to be much more fruitful, enjoyable, and fulfilling than the old. Before I used to fear my future, and I would try to channel that fear into motivation. Perhaps my former lack of concern for my future or my former inability to conceive of it as my imminent present COMBINED with my means of self-motivation is what caused me to lose focus, and basically lose the will to do well. I was doing things half-heartedly and only accomplishing goals with a mind for the present. In a cliche I suppose this is a sense of renewal for me, or maybe I've managed to stumble upon the way I was meant to do thing all along, and now I'm hobbling along trying to catch up to my potential. I'm ok with that though, no more fear for motivation and no more "settling" for certain attained goals.

Another thing that has changed in me is my need for noise. Halfway through last year half of the regular noise (in the soundtrack to my life if you will) was silenced and in the eery silences that I've come to know so well, I realize that noise is quite possibly the second most taken for granted thing in the world (it is second physically to air and second conceptually to love). It denotes existence, and relationship to the world and the bigger and smaller components that surround you. Not having people around, not making any noise myself has shown me how small I am and how important others are. Save for the waterfall outside my porch the most common noise in the grove is the sound of my fingers flutting across the keyboard (while kirby snores). I love it when my roomz is home, even more when her bfriend is, and when the roomz i share a room with is home its even better. I used to cringe at being outside in public areas for too long because after a while my ears start to pick up everything, from the wind moving around buildings, to people scratching their elbows, and even composites of all the conversations going on around me. If you've ever sat in a car with me, you know I don't like listening to my music too loud, and you know I only tolerate super loud noises at concerts/performances. I don't even like it when the music played loud at practice, I guess I'm one of those people who doesn't mind the music being on medium because if you're quiet, and focused, you can hear it. I really enjoy being in the student center now (yes you can assume it's partially because it reminds me of someone) because the sounds of daily life make me feel like the world is a small place again, full of connections, after all sound comes from reactions (i.e. clapping, a zipper, water flowing over rocks...).


Life's moving forward faster and faster, and here I honestly thought that the pace had leveled out already. Silly me, foolish me, grateful me. =)

Here's to life and it's amazing ability to provide remedies almost instantly for the ills it causes. =)



<3bam


...and so I don't forget...future blog topics that are brewing away in my brain: budgeting honor, valentines day, having a plan.




p.s. a.thai and jules (oh weird but i wanted to try calling you that) didja get the hidden shoutouts?

VIBE XIV

VIBE IS HERE!! VIBE IS TODAY!!! I HAVE TO GO GET READY FOR VIBE.....=)

I will update more after the show. for now...





<3samBAM

i miss my aussie...

We're going strong though. =D I can't believe it's already been two weeks, that's good though. It means the next few months won't be so hard either. We got this baby. We got this.

On another note, yet following the same train of thought:

A big big big thank you to Diana, Jen, Julian, Kris, Sonic, Andrew, Steven, Mar, Ayla, Aimee and Ryan for helping keep me on my feet the first week and a half when it was hardest for me to be alone while I was adjusting. You guys are awesome. =)

MCIA performs at vibe tomorrow, I am excited.

<3samBAM

worried...

The injuries are adding up, the medications increasing, and the coughs are echoing. I'm worried about the people behind the dancers.

VIBE XIV = the first big challenge of the year.

It will be a good show, but I'm afraid of the aftermath.

I have to hope that it will be ok, and I have faith that we are all doing our best. I guess I'm just fearful of the seemingly inevitable.

Here's to All love, and all the sacrifices that come with it. =)



EDIT 5:48 AM (about an hour after I originally posted this):

...ironically while I'm so busy being worried about everyone else, and I'm being optimistic abotu myself i go and get hurt...sigh. it's ok, i'll just be careful and i'll be fine come showtime. I'm proud of you too MCIA, there's no other group for whom I'd endure all this for (well save mi familia but then again MCIA is family so that just works out nicely).

CHange comes slowly...

I need to relax, need to slow my mind for just a minute. Sigh. So I'm going to be doing a little survey to slow myself down.

Do you ever wish you had a different last name?​
I love my family so I am proud to bear my last name, as for the future, I'm not too sure if I will be changing my name or keeping it the same, but we'll see. I'm fairly optimistic.



If a stran​ger looke​d in your close​t,​ what would​ they think​?​
They would notice all the bright colors and the melting pot of style. If I had my closet organized by timeline, I suppose that stranger would see the progression I've made to get to the style that I wear today. Hopefully they'd notice all the sweats and be able to deduce that I'm a dancer. =)




Do peopl​e under​estim​ate you?
I hope so, otherwise it means that everyone knows my potential and I have nothing else to achieve. I like to think that many people have inaccurate descriptions about me too.



What are you doing​ tomorrow​?​
Class....most of the day...and then practice into the wee hours of morning. a dancers life for meee...


Have you ever hated​ someo​ne,​ but ended​ up being​ frien​ds with them?
mmmm I can't say I hate anyone, but there are people whom I didn't initially like and now I have nothing against them. I suppose the counts as an answer for this question




What side of a heart​ do you draw first​?​
the right side and then i draw the left all in one line.


Do you wear a lot of black​?​
I try to, simply because it accessorizes well and can be worn for almost any occasion.


Do you have a tan?
I'm natural brown baby and couldn't be prouder. Well I suppose I could be but then I think that would be over kill, I feel that pride in ones biological distinctions is what led to racism and I'd prefer not to venture too far down that path, I'm proud of who I am, but I know that everyone has every right to be who they are as well.



Do you like orang​e juice​?
OMG YES. I love juice in general, I'd rather drink juice than water/soda ANY day.



Do you get emoti​onal easil​y?​
Yeah, I try not to but i think I get my empathy from my mom. I show my emotion very easily btu I don't like it when I cry in public. I get mad at myeslf which only makes it worse caues when I get mad I cry sometimes too.




How many hours​ of sleep​ do you need to funct​ion?​
I can function on as little as 4 hours of sleep but dont expect much of me as the day is drawing to a close. We'll see how I fare today, I got as much sleep as I could but I was so nervous I slept very lightly and couldn't get comfortable.




Cutes​t thing​ someb​odys said to you today​?​
well baby sent me a wake up email that wished me luck and said some very sweet things that made me smile as I set off to start my day.



Did you feel awkwa​rd at all today​?​
yes...after my interview and during the filling out of my application


Do you think​ you will be marri​ed by the time you are 35?
Oh yeah, and it's going to be sweet. =) It's funny how much more fun life is when you have a goal that you can watch yourself achieve and when you have someone to work with.


Last thing​ you drank​?​
mango juice...MMMMMMMMMMMM my faaaavorite!



Did you wake up happy​ today​?​
Not really, I woke up nervous and restless because I didn't get the full amount of sleep I was hoping for. But I am happy that I woke up to a new president. YEAH!!



What month​ were you born in?
September, an awesome month.


Has anyon​e ever told you that they hated​ you, serio​usly?​
I think so but I doubt she meant it. Some people are acting like they hate me right now, but pooh on them. I've been mature this whole time and I don't think I deserve that kind of treatment but we will see if they can grow up and accept the chance life is giving them to be better people.



Do you sleep​ with socks​ on?
I can't. My feet feel weird when I have socks on. I prefer tucking the sheets in around my feet to keep them warm. =)




How old do you look?​
People say I look older than I am, which I suppose makes me feel better about myself.



Are you waiti​ng for somet​hing?​
I'm waiting about five months until I can see my boyfriend again and after that, hopefully it won't take too long for us to get our lives going along in one place.


What were you doing​ at ten last night​?
I was at practice and we were cleaning our intro...hooray for hell week.




Did you cry today​?​
no but I kind of feel like it....that interview could have gone much better. It wasn't bad but it could've been better. But like baby said, just think of him and it'll be ok.





If you could​ have somet​hing right​ now, what would​ it be?
Unlimited international minutes and texts and free airfare from here to australia/singapore. sigh.




Do you know someb​ody that got hit by a car?
KInda, I know someone who was hit by a car and someone whose car was hit by a car.



Can you sleep​ in jeans​?​
I don't think that's a good idea at any point...if I'm that tired or intoxicated it's probably a bad thing. Besides I like getting ready for bed, it helps me calm down after even the calmest days.



Who was your last text from and what'​d it say?
my boyfriend "hey baby, i love you"



Do you prefe​r warm or cold weath​er?​
WARM. I dislike being cold weather only because I find it hard to accurately judge how much you should wear to stay all the way warm. If its hot you can always take off a layer/light jacket but with cold what you got is all you got.



What do you curre​ntly hear right​ now?
the inauguration follow up on CNN.



Do you know anyon​e named​ Austi​n?​
uh I think I used to when I was little but no one is coming to mind at the moment. lol




What is the next big decis​ion you have to make in your life?​
Puppy or no puppy? It's looking like no puppy which is depressing me to the revers degree of how happy a puppy would make me. SIgh. Reasons for not getting a puppy: school, work (potential), and moving around in the next year or two...=)


Do you live near your best frien​d?​
I live with a best friend, live near a best friend (D), live with a bestfriend in my heart (des) and my other bestfriends and no further than a phonecall/text away.



What are you weari​ng right​ now?
white sweats, blue tubetop, mcia hoodie and a kirby in my lap.


Where​ were you at 11:​45 last night​?​
still at practice, i think this was when we were just finishing up the intro.



What'​s the best eye color​ for the oppos​ite sex?
brown. beautiful brown eyes. with eyelids that don't match. Gah I miss you baby.


What time did you go to bed last night​?​
230ish. winding down took a little longer than i thought.



What will you do SUNDA​Y?​
PERFORM AT VIBE XIV!!!!!!!! my third vibe performance and I realize I'm not as excited as before but at the same time i am not as stressed as before. I'm looking forward to puting on a good performance and makign sure the newbies and returners get their fill of the stage.



Are you marri​ed?​
not at the moment, but I love my bf, love my team and love my friends.



Can you blow a bubbl​e?​
with gum YES with bubble wand and mix YES I LOVE BUBBLES!!!!!!!


Can you touch​ your tongu​e to your nose?​
mhmmm but it barely touches, and I think I look ridiculous doing it.



Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip in 5 month​s?​
Yeah, and I'll be happier than I am now because I'll be with the one I love.


Are you liste​ning to music​?​
not at the moment, but in my car I listen to a cd with lot's of my bf's music on it.



Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to face to face?​
The parking attendant whose job seemed a little ridiculous to me, people should be able to stick parking tickets into their own slots geeze, but i appreciated him he was polite and helpful.



Who do you blame​ for your mood today​?​
just me, it's my life, my responsibility.



Somet​hing you do a lot?
eat, sleep, let kirby sleep on me even though shes so mean to me the rest of the time.



How is your day so far?
it could be better but I'm grateful to God for a boyfriend who makes sure I wake up in a good mood everyday and makes me feel like everyday has the potential to be the best day ever.



What color​ cell phone​ do you have?​
lol its black and white BUT it has a lime green cover.

sigh.

i woke up today in a very weird way. my eyes felt sore, as if I had been crying again, and I had a massive headache. But the thing that stood out most to me, was that I woke up to complete slience. Having tuned out the sound of the waterfall outside my bedroom window, I heard nothing.

For some reason, it brought me to tears. There was no soft hush of fingers on fabric, no slow breaths, and no sounds of someone getting ready in the bathroom. Just me, alone, waking up.

It felt so harsh, as silence always does nowadays. I used to like silence, I could sit for hours just me, just typing notes to myself, reading a book, or reviewing notes. Now it hurts me to hear the quiet. Because quiet reminds me that there's no one waiting for me behind that door and that there's no one i'm going home to.

I am doing much better than friday, but it's still hard for me to feel energetic and it's still hard for me to find reason to do things. I'm on my own so much now that it frightens me. I don't wanna go to get the car oil changed by myself, I don't want to have to go to meet people to sell it to by myself, I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself, and most importantly I don't want to eat by myself.

I know I have amazing friends around me, and trust me I've begun to seek some of the support they've offered. But in the end, while everyone can console their missing friend by seeing other friends, i can't completely deal with having no one to place my complete affection on.

Find a way to cope. That's what I need to do. Stay busy. Everyone's advice but it's hard to get going in order to be busy, sometimes. Stay calm. Don't worry I'm taking deep breaths everytime these bouts of loneliness come around. Take care of yourself. I am, I got my apetite back, and I'm keeping myself in order. Be around people. That one's hard...I don't want to be around people just yet, because I know they're main idea about me right now is that i'm sad. If I'm going to be around people, I want to be around them like it's any other day, so that I won't feel special and I won't feel like my world's been turned inside out.

I feel selfish. I feel stupid. I feel lazy. I feel lonely. But I count it a blessing that I can feel, friday I was just numb.

Deep Breaths and Small Steps. That's what I need to focus on. Go to class, run errands, go to practice. For now that's all I am. In time: go to work, meet up with people will get added to the list.

Gimme a little more time to adjust world, slow down a little please...=/

I can do it. I know I can.

"If God gets you to it, God will get you through it."

<3bam

i love you.

I love how all it takes for me to brighten up and feel alive again, is three words from that one special someone. Even though he's far away now, I still get tingles and feel real warmth in my heart when I hear it. Just like when we found each other, I smile at the thought of him.

Thank you God for this amazing partner, and all the life he's brought back into my world. =)

Five months, that's nothing. Real love, that's something.

<3samBAM

Accepting.

The bad always come with the good and nothing could be more true of my life as of this morning. I wake up accepting the fact that I have less than a week left to hug my boyfriend and really feeling ok with it. I move on to check my email and accept that I did JUST poorly enough to attract negative attention for my grades. Further down my list of unread emails, mind you it's always a short list, I see an email in response to a job application I posted last week. It's an interview for an internship that I didn't think I was going to get because I didn't send in a cover letter...oops right?


I guess I've learned alot about what it means to truly accept life as it comes these past few months.

I've learned that communication creates internal and external acceptance of change and difficult concepts. Communication in that sense is difficult, requires extra energy in order to be efficient, and is quite possibly the most difficult thing to navigate while keeping a casual tone. It is the key to survival but so many of us get it wrong.

I've also learned quite a few things about faith and it's relationship to acceptance. more on this later...


I suppose you may be able to figure out by know that this blog has been written over a span of a few days...I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to finish it because ironically, finishing it, meant fully accepting my current circumstances.

I accepted my circumstances completely when I got home three hours ago and said goodbye to him on the phone. I still see him walking through security, and I still feel his hand clenching my back when we hugged. I just can't seem to feel or see anything else at the moment...

Part of acceptance though is the brutal shock that comes with change. It get's easier, I know that, and I know that I'll feel overjoyed when I hear from him when he lands in Japan and then in Singapore. I just can't believe he isn't a phone call away, and that this weekend, after I clean out the last of his existence from his former home here, I have to say goodbye to what quickly became my second home down here in soCal. I sat in his car, which I have to sell, and I felt a little of his presence, warm and comforting, it was probably the best I've felt since he left. And then I realized that the car (hopefully) will be sold soon. When that last part of the larger physical experience is gone...I'll really have to depend on the internet and other forms of communication to be in touch with him.


Will you believe me when I say that I'm actually ok with all of this? It hurts, but that's when you know that it's the good kind of change. When you have to work so hard to get to the next step (which you know will make you happier) you know that the work your doing is good, for you and for your life. "We knew what we were getting into." I'm scared I'm going to lose count of how many times I'm going to say that when people ask how I'm doing. But it's the truth, and to be honest I'm glad for it. I walked into this amazing relationship knowing that it would be a trying one, and know I'm head over heels up to the waist in mud stuck in it, and I couldn't be happier.

I'm crying now, yes, but in five months, I'll be laughing with the one I love the most. It's all about perspective. We know what we want, and we know that to get to it, we have to work hard and that the work we'll have to do isn't easy. But we can do it. Same goal same journey different struggles, and that's ok.

If you're wondering is it worth it, then know that I fully believe it is.

If you're wondering if we're on the same page, then yes we are.

If you're wondering how we expect to maintain the passion, don't worry about it, real passion never dies, and we plan on keeping this flame hot for as long as there is heat to be felt in this world.

...and I finally stopped crying. =/

Day 1. The intermission begins.

<3samBAM