my oh my how the time flies and time changes and all that seems for naught.
I'm up late right now, deliberating with myself over some key moments in my life and how I handled them. I can honestly say, I wish I could kick myself for the way I acted, but more importantly for the things I didn't say. Why?
Because if I had learned to speak my mind sooner, I wouldn't have hurt so many people. If I had learned to explain more careful my reasons for behaving like I did, I would have looked like someone worth retaining and I wouldn't have been forced to let go of a 'good' (in the descriptive and quantative sense) portion of my life. If I had learned to say what I meant, rather than try to say something more seemingly situationally correct, I wouldn't have come off as a rude, selfish, little girl.
But that's me, and I've finally grown to the point where I can say honestly to myself what I'm doing wrong in the here and now. Did you know that it's possible for one person to, in the process of making the decision to act a certain way, consider at least five different resulting possibilities and that at the end of this listing, its possible to tell yourself "STOP IT!" or "DO IT DIFFERENTLY"? and then at the end of it all, you can beat yourself up for the simple existence of the possibilities that would have fucked so much of your life up? All this in the matter of seconds that it takes you to decide something. Insane isnt it. But amazing.
I love telling myself I'm doing something wrong, even if I' m not and especially if I'm unsure if it's right or wrong (which is situational of course). Either I end up saving myself from looking like a fool (oh joy for the concept of self-preservation) or I end up more convincing an actor. I don't like the person I am sometimes, but I love the person I am who can question and adapt to the things that I know I need to fix.
I love being deliciously complex and altogether simple. Why? Because, it doesn't matter. There is so much to go through in life that having your ideals for yourself so finelined at any one point in time is only going to make things worse, but having developing guidelines, like growing into faith, thats the way to live. You find the best way, the better way, and the challenging way to live a life where you create the world around you and you can accept it all (faults, failures and flaws included). Acceptance doesn't mean you are forced into being unhappy, it means that you know you were meant to be here and that where you are right now, because of the decisions you made to be a better person you are quite literally in the best place you could be in.
I know this all seems like rambling, but believe me, it makes sense after you look back and see how horrible a person you've been. It makes the hurt come back, and it has made me realize that a lot of the hurt I felt was self-inflicted. No one was there to tell me what I was doing to myself because I didn't say anything, I didn't think I could. I am so glad I know better now.
Thank you God for showing me how to be happy, I'd forgotten somewhere along the way here.
<3sami
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
car accidents are odd muses
Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like if way back when, those decisions that were beyond my control had been made differently. Right now, dealing with the stress of the aftermath of the accident I occasionally wonder what it would've been like if I hadn't gotten out of bed like the good student I was trying to be to go to class.
I wonder every now and then, in a non-trauma related fashion, what it would've been like if I had (for example) stayed in the Philippines and gone to school there. Where would I have ended up going to college? Would I still have developed into the person I am today? Would I have become the person I fight with all the time, aka the side of me that I feel is all faulty and lousy? Would I have the same goals? Same morality? Same faith?
Sometimes I wonder about small things, like what if I hadn't decided to dance in college? What if I hadn't gone to school at UCI? What if I hadn't changed majors? I suppose the limits really endless per the things that I sit there contemplating. I honestly do it everyday, and if you see me spacing out, there's a high chance that I'm wondering if the situations playing out in front of my eyes would have been different if I had acted differently at a previous time. That's the whatevers part of the thinking, the fun part is trying to puzzle with myself over the events/situations that lead up to the situation I'm witnessing. But I digress.
Honestly though, I never find myself regretting anything in spite of the possibilities and the 'grass is greener on the other side' outlook. I think it may be that faith, that consistency in my life of God looking out for me and for the goodness of life coming through no matter the consequences that has convinced me that worrying about the accident itself is no good use of time. I think that's why I'm trying to be so on top of the paperwork, and other things that I need to do to handle this situation smoothly, efficiently and in a timely fashion.
I feel really anxious now, and worried about finances for a new/used car and about what the other party is going to do and for how this is going to affect my parents. But isn't that all short term stuff? Isn't that all something that, with time and God's grace will work itself out and will eventually become a part of the past that will have brought me to a point of more experience, wisdom and patience? Deep breaths and thinking help a lot right now, so does talking to people about it, or just talking to people in general so I don't feel alone.
I gotta say, without any hint of animosity, those of you who are in proximal relationships (in case you didn't know thats the opposite of long-distance or distal relationships) have no idea how lucky you are to simply have the peace of mind that should something happen to you your significant other or family members will be there in an instant. If I had that path of thinking perhaps I wouldn't have cried while waiting for the police, perhaps I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night shaking, perhaps I'd be able to sleep for more than two hours and wake up feeling safe. I'm not going to tell you to not take your proximal relationships for granted, but I will say this.
The next time you complain about someone not being there for you even though they could have been, just think about people who don't even have the option of that proximal comfort either because they're like me and living far from comfort, or they're alone in the world when it comes to high levels of intimacy. I can honestly say that I am grateful for the friends who have seen me, talked to me, or checked up on me in any way shape or form, because I have the most comfort right now in the fact that God has made up for my distance from Des and my family by putting me in such close contact with friends/dance family/aphio family. We'll all make mistakes and hurt people, but really think about the proximity of the people you treasure and how that proximity comforts you and what you can do to bridge gaps that shouldn't be there. I'm grateful that I've learned how to better treat people and get to know them so that we care about each other in mutual regard. Praise the Lord for everyone in my life.
A few quick thank yous to some pivotal people thus far:
-MCIA: I would love thank all of you individually but I would run out of tags, so I just want you to know that I went to practice that night because I knew that being around you was the only way to ease some of my fears and calm myself down. I feel safe and loved when I'm around you all, and you truly are family to me.
-Franklin and Sheryl: thank you for picking me up from the hospital and letting me hang out with you for a bit so I wouldn't freak out and I could feel a little bit of normalcy. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
-Aimee: I didn't really crave bread or tea but it was so small and normal for us to go that night that it made me feel like everything was back to normal, even if only for a bit, you never cease to amaze me with how comfortable you make me. thank you cc. i love you.
-Kris: for bringing me lunch, making me feel comfortable, stupid filipino accents, and driving me to get the rental car I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-My Roommates Jen, Ng, and Kirby: thanks for putting up with me lying around the house and using the spot. It's nice to come home to a a REAL home and not just some silly place we all happen to live. You three make me feel the safest and most comfortable I feel in Irvine.
-Angie & Tracy: Thank you ladies for visiting me today!! It really brightened up my day! =) I was frustrated but having your company even though only for a short time, helped me smile today.
-My cousins and family on Facebook: I hope that most of you found out via word of mouth from the family rather than my fb as to what happened, btu I am so grateful that all of you are checking up on me, and supporting me. I really feel your love and I appreciate you all so much.
-My mom and Dad: they keep me calm, hear me out, let me cry, put up with me being moody and stupidly yelling at them when I shouldn't, and they take care of me. They always know how to make me laugh even if I'm utterly depressed or stricken down with anguish. They taught me how to live out the "everything will be ok" perspective and I am so grateful.
-Des: for keeping me calm, amusing me, putting up with my mood swings, crying fits, and unreasonable emotions (well you know what i mean), making me smile before we say goodnight or goodbye despite whatever mood i might have been in when we entered the conversation, you are beyond amazing and quite literally the best thing thats still happening to me.
-Last but not least to EVERYONE who expressed concern I cannot say how grateful I am for you. It's freaky being in an accident alone but at the same time I'm glad none of you were in that car with me because I would never want to be the cause of pain for any of you. I hope you know that even if you thought your well-wishing was small to me it was a huge effort. I've had my phone plastered to my hand so that the minute I start to freak out and doubt the goodness of the world I reread what you sent me and I almost cry because I'm so blessed by the people I've gotten to know.
I'm sore, and now my stomach hurts a little so im going to wind down for bed now. I just had to jot some of this down so I won't think about it when I try to sleep. Wish me luck trying to sleep tonight. =) I wish YOU the best.
I wonder every now and then, in a non-trauma related fashion, what it would've been like if I had (for example) stayed in the Philippines and gone to school there. Where would I have ended up going to college? Would I still have developed into the person I am today? Would I have become the person I fight with all the time, aka the side of me that I feel is all faulty and lousy? Would I have the same goals? Same morality? Same faith?
Sometimes I wonder about small things, like what if I hadn't decided to dance in college? What if I hadn't gone to school at UCI? What if I hadn't changed majors? I suppose the limits really endless per the things that I sit there contemplating. I honestly do it everyday, and if you see me spacing out, there's a high chance that I'm wondering if the situations playing out in front of my eyes would have been different if I had acted differently at a previous time. That's the whatevers part of the thinking, the fun part is trying to puzzle with myself over the events/situations that lead up to the situation I'm witnessing. But I digress.
Honestly though, I never find myself regretting anything in spite of the possibilities and the 'grass is greener on the other side' outlook. I think it may be that faith, that consistency in my life of God looking out for me and for the goodness of life coming through no matter the consequences that has convinced me that worrying about the accident itself is no good use of time. I think that's why I'm trying to be so on top of the paperwork, and other things that I need to do to handle this situation smoothly, efficiently and in a timely fashion.
I feel really anxious now, and worried about finances for a new/used car and about what the other party is going to do and for how this is going to affect my parents. But isn't that all short term stuff? Isn't that all something that, with time and God's grace will work itself out and will eventually become a part of the past that will have brought me to a point of more experience, wisdom and patience? Deep breaths and thinking help a lot right now, so does talking to people about it, or just talking to people in general so I don't feel alone.
I gotta say, without any hint of animosity, those of you who are in proximal relationships (in case you didn't know thats the opposite of long-distance or distal relationships) have no idea how lucky you are to simply have the peace of mind that should something happen to you your significant other or family members will be there in an instant. If I had that path of thinking perhaps I wouldn't have cried while waiting for the police, perhaps I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night shaking, perhaps I'd be able to sleep for more than two hours and wake up feeling safe. I'm not going to tell you to not take your proximal relationships for granted, but I will say this.
The next time you complain about someone not being there for you even though they could have been, just think about people who don't even have the option of that proximal comfort either because they're like me and living far from comfort, or they're alone in the world when it comes to high levels of intimacy. I can honestly say that I am grateful for the friends who have seen me, talked to me, or checked up on me in any way shape or form, because I have the most comfort right now in the fact that God has made up for my distance from Des and my family by putting me in such close contact with friends/dance family/aphio family. We'll all make mistakes and hurt people, but really think about the proximity of the people you treasure and how that proximity comforts you and what you can do to bridge gaps that shouldn't be there. I'm grateful that I've learned how to better treat people and get to know them so that we care about each other in mutual regard. Praise the Lord for everyone in my life.
A few quick thank yous to some pivotal people thus far:
-MCIA: I would love thank all of you individually but I would run out of tags, so I just want you to know that I went to practice that night because I knew that being around you was the only way to ease some of my fears and calm myself down. I feel safe and loved when I'm around you all, and you truly are family to me.
-Franklin and Sheryl: thank you for picking me up from the hospital and letting me hang out with you for a bit so I wouldn't freak out and I could feel a little bit of normalcy. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
-Aimee: I didn't really crave bread or tea but it was so small and normal for us to go that night that it made me feel like everything was back to normal, even if only for a bit, you never cease to amaze me with how comfortable you make me. thank you cc. i love you.
-Kris: for bringing me lunch, making me feel comfortable, stupid filipino accents, and driving me to get the rental car I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-My Roommates Jen, Ng, and Kirby: thanks for putting up with me lying around the house and using the spot. It's nice to come home to a a REAL home and not just some silly place we all happen to live. You three make me feel the safest and most comfortable I feel in Irvine.
-Angie & Tracy: Thank you ladies for visiting me today!! It really brightened up my day! =) I was frustrated but having your company even though only for a short time, helped me smile today.
-My cousins and family on Facebook: I hope that most of you found out via word of mouth from the family rather than my fb as to what happened, btu I am so grateful that all of you are checking up on me, and supporting me. I really feel your love and I appreciate you all so much.
-My mom and Dad: they keep me calm, hear me out, let me cry, put up with me being moody and stupidly yelling at them when I shouldn't, and they take care of me. They always know how to make me laugh even if I'm utterly depressed or stricken down with anguish. They taught me how to live out the "everything will be ok" perspective and I am so grateful.
-Des: for keeping me calm, amusing me, putting up with my mood swings, crying fits, and unreasonable emotions (well you know what i mean), making me smile before we say goodnight or goodbye despite whatever mood i might have been in when we entered the conversation, you are beyond amazing and quite literally the best thing thats still happening to me.
-Last but not least to EVERYONE who expressed concern I cannot say how grateful I am for you. It's freaky being in an accident alone but at the same time I'm glad none of you were in that car with me because I would never want to be the cause of pain for any of you. I hope you know that even if you thought your well-wishing was small to me it was a huge effort. I've had my phone plastered to my hand so that the minute I start to freak out and doubt the goodness of the world I reread what you sent me and I almost cry because I'm so blessed by the people I've gotten to know.
I'm sore, and now my stomach hurts a little so im going to wind down for bed now. I just had to jot some of this down so I won't think about it when I try to sleep. Wish me luck trying to sleep tonight. =) I wish YOU the best.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
giving in to growing up
i just realized the reality of giving up a short-term goal that I fully thought was accomplishable four years ago. I nearly cried....
More on that later. (yes i know I keep saying that but honestly my brain is on vacation from writing).
<3bam
More on that later. (yes i know I keep saying that but honestly my brain is on vacation from writing).
<3bam