It's weird having couples (and this many of them) on team. (Told you to prepare for bluntness.)
The team dynamic has an extra little bit added onto it now, and as if we didn't have the issue of tiny cliques that would form up every now and then, now we have to factor in these special little relationships that are pretty exclusive in and of themselves. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for people's happiness and I know it makes sense that people with like interests would meet through a shared interest group but wow, I never thought there would be this much of it.
I like that people are opening up to each other and putting so much into the team that they've managed to find a little to keep for themselves. I'm really happy too for the people who are involved.
But I gotta say, bringing it into the team atmosphere, particularly during practice is starting to get to me. From little favors, nicknames, miniature displays of PDA (now mind you the only form I'm really ok with is either holding hands or hugging), always looking for your partner, and other people not in the relationship constantly saying "oh awkward" (if pairs that are made for routines dont match up to outside ones) or "awww how cute". I do not think that an in-team relationship is going to work if you can't separate your professionalism from your private life. I know we're all family, but think about that. Being family menas respecting each other and loving each other. I think a big part of that is keeping teammates and significant others separate when the FAMILY is together. I don't wanna think about my little brother dating my sister. That's WEIRD.
Now I know pretty much all of you are assuming that I'm saying this because I'm single. I'm not bitter, jealous, or resentful. Like I said, I'm happy for the couples. I just really think that relationships, even within the team, should be left OUTSIDE of practice. It's not right to create a bubble for yourself and someone else at times when you're supposed to be sharing in the team spirit.
I know I haven't really dispelled most of your thoughts that I am simply envious but that's on you. Think about the bigger picture for once that DOESNT actually revolve around one person (most people can't really make that jump and it's ok) and you'll start to understand where I'm coming from. I'm watching my family change, and for the most part I'm coming to terms with the changes, but there really are a few things I have to put my foot down about and this is one of them.
<3BAM
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
falling apart or keeping it together?
who needs a half empty half filled cup to confuse them, i can't figure out if i'm having a good week or not....
i'm dealing with a car accident that shouldn't be stressing me out anymore, worrying about stuff back home, still not feeling confident about my gpa, lack of confidence in certain areas of my life, a phone that's about two inches from death, a disgusting picture that i just saw, random bouts of loneliness, and definitely not eating or sleeping right....
but i'm also celebrating the completion of a 17 page paper that i feel good about, awesome weather, the strength of my immediate family, awesome friendships that have just recently blossomed, a more comfortable living scene in my apt, a change in the start time of my work shifts, and an increase in good habits on my part overall...
i really can't figure out if i'm more positive or more negative right now and its kinda messing with me.
overall the quality of life that i'm experiencing and living day to day has gone up, but i still feel weighed down and incomplete. it's weird, but then again i'm living a life that's pretty much new to me.
then again aren't we all? isn't that all we ever do when we wake up? another day closer to life means a whole new experience to endure. hmmm thats a blog for a darker day when i'm feeling more eloquent. that essay drained me.
for now i suppose i'll leave you with this:
a proposed solution to the problem of social security in the future has been proposed. it states that upon reaching retirement age the baby boomers should committ mass suicide.
i agree.
<3samBAM
p.s. think about the message before you call me a freak for saying that.
i'm dealing with a car accident that shouldn't be stressing me out anymore, worrying about stuff back home, still not feeling confident about my gpa, lack of confidence in certain areas of my life, a phone that's about two inches from death, a disgusting picture that i just saw, random bouts of loneliness, and definitely not eating or sleeping right....
but i'm also celebrating the completion of a 17 page paper that i feel good about, awesome weather, the strength of my immediate family, awesome friendships that have just recently blossomed, a more comfortable living scene in my apt, a change in the start time of my work shifts, and an increase in good habits on my part overall...
i really can't figure out if i'm more positive or more negative right now and its kinda messing with me.
overall the quality of life that i'm experiencing and living day to day has gone up, but i still feel weighed down and incomplete. it's weird, but then again i'm living a life that's pretty much new to me.
then again aren't we all? isn't that all we ever do when we wake up? another day closer to life means a whole new experience to endure. hmmm thats a blog for a darker day when i'm feeling more eloquent. that essay drained me.
for now i suppose i'll leave you with this:
a proposed solution to the problem of social security in the future has been proposed. it states that upon reaching retirement age the baby boomers should committ mass suicide.
i agree.
<3samBAM
p.s. think about the message before you call me a freak for saying that.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
on the topic of driving.
some things i really think people need to think about before they get behind the wheel:
1. DRIVING is VERY different from OPERATING a vehicle. learn the difference.
2. You cannot always have your way so you need to learn how to share, stopping for a minute is not going to kill you. Don't worry wherever you're going will still be there even if you get there late.
3. Don't assume that every driver out there is going to know your entire agenda, so signal, yield, and act accordingly because the road isn't yours alone.
4. Men aren't better drivers, they just make more fuss about being allowed to move around at 60 mph, and liking the grease and oil the absorb when they're allowed to fiddle around with thousands of dollars worth of machinery.
5. Girls are not worse drivers, however femininity is seen as a weakness and rather than admit that men could make the same mistake because their also human, people would rather say that because a human was born with a specific set of reproductive organs they are less able to operate a vehicle. lets remember that studies show that women are mroe capable of multitasking then men.
6. Pictures never lie, especially when it comes to traffic incidents.
7. For every action there is a reaction, therefore road rage does not pay off.
That said, when you come into conflict with someone over a car/driving/road related issue, be mature about it, don't point fingers and remember that you both (or all depending on the size of the group involved) are human and cannot possibly be perfect therefore are both (or all) are at fault.
sigh.
(note: originally posted on my facebook, but spreading due to increasing positive response.)
1. DRIVING is VERY different from OPERATING a vehicle. learn the difference.
2. You cannot always have your way so you need to learn how to share, stopping for a minute is not going to kill you. Don't worry wherever you're going will still be there even if you get there late.
3. Don't assume that every driver out there is going to know your entire agenda, so signal, yield, and act accordingly because the road isn't yours alone.
4. Men aren't better drivers, they just make more fuss about being allowed to move around at 60 mph, and liking the grease and oil the absorb when they're allowed to fiddle around with thousands of dollars worth of machinery.
5. Girls are not worse drivers, however femininity is seen as a weakness and rather than admit that men could make the same mistake because their also human, people would rather say that because a human was born with a specific set of reproductive organs they are less able to operate a vehicle. lets remember that studies show that women are mroe capable of multitasking then men.
6. Pictures never lie, especially when it comes to traffic incidents.
7. For every action there is a reaction, therefore road rage does not pay off.
That said, when you come into conflict with someone over a car/driving/road related issue, be mature about it, don't point fingers and remember that you both (or all depending on the size of the group involved) are human and cannot possibly be perfect therefore are both (or all) are at fault.
sigh.
(note: originally posted on my facebook, but spreading due to increasing positive response.)
Saturday, July 19, 2008
what the hell.
most good things always start off as too good to be true. i hope that i can get past this little mess up.
i was optimistic, now i'm just going to be cautious, and maybe a little difficult.
i was optimistic, now i'm just going to be cautious, and maybe a little difficult.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
a much needed break...
WOOO! I did not expect summer to pick like that, but wow. I'm totally tired right now, sitting around relaxing all day made me lose some of my stamina. I'll get it back though.
Practices have started and so far, there are a few things that are going well, and a few things that appear as if theyre going to need work. Usually a strong united front is the first impression you want to give...and right now, well i'll say that i'm not impressed. But there's still plenty of learning time. I just hope people know that learning is only good if you eventually start to practice what you've learned.
I'm totally sore from practice, my bodies not used to being that active anymore. I was hella dizzy at practice last night, but i think that may be because I used a lot of energy swimming and felt really tired after the jacuzzi. sigh. oh well.
a few things are starting to shape up as far as plans go, dark knight premier tomorrow, the beach on saturday, OC fair with MCIA next weekend, shopping =), a haircut and good ol chill time.
you know when you wake up and nothing bothers you, weighs you down, and you feell like "all good" has so much more meaning to it? yeah tahts my life lately, and i LOOOVE it. although I wish i did get more sleep...hahahahahahahaha I've always had trouble sleeping though, that's what i get for having a screwed up schedule in the first place.
work's not too bad, class is going well (even though I didn't go today), and all in all I think that this summer is shaping up to be pretty darn good.
mad thanks to dp, jeff, andrew, and mcia for keeping it real and helping me relax this summer.
<3BAM!
Practices have started and so far, there are a few things that are going well, and a few things that appear as if theyre going to need work. Usually a strong united front is the first impression you want to give...and right now, well i'll say that i'm not impressed. But there's still plenty of learning time. I just hope people know that learning is only good if you eventually start to practice what you've learned.
I'm totally sore from practice, my bodies not used to being that active anymore. I was hella dizzy at practice last night, but i think that may be because I used a lot of energy swimming and felt really tired after the jacuzzi. sigh. oh well.
a few things are starting to shape up as far as plans go, dark knight premier tomorrow, the beach on saturday, OC fair with MCIA next weekend, shopping =), a haircut and good ol chill time.
you know when you wake up and nothing bothers you, weighs you down, and you feell like "all good" has so much more meaning to it? yeah tahts my life lately, and i LOOOVE it. although I wish i did get more sleep...hahahahahahahaha I've always had trouble sleeping though, that's what i get for having a screwed up schedule in the first place.
work's not too bad, class is going well (even though I didn't go today), and all in all I think that this summer is shaping up to be pretty darn good.
mad thanks to dp, jeff, andrew, and mcia for keeping it real and helping me relax this summer.
<3BAM!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
mmmm and the future unfolds....
So as we looked at future homes today I couldn't help but think about how happy I am about how my life is unfolding. The thought of having a place that wasn't organized for student use, that we found on our own is really satisfying for me. I cannot wait to put time and effort into our place to have a real HOME. And I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to have Jen as a roommate. My balin babe, delta slut, and TLC girl...and now ROOMIES!!! =D
Such an upgrade from the person I assumed would be a delight to room with this year. BTW she needs to come clean up the mess she made. Nineteen years old and mommy is still wiping her ass. (metaphorically).
Anyways, in thinking about the future I also realized that I'm ecstatic about practice starting up tomorrow, I've missed doing something that made me feel accomplished and productive. I know that at some point I'm going to have to give up dancing as much as I do now in order to focus. I also know that I'll never fully give up on dancing either. I just know that I'm sticking with it, and with the team while I can.
I've also been thinking about this summer. I never really made any predictions about what this summer would be like and I only made a few goals for myself over the summer but it's never too late to have hope. =)
Some things I'd like to accomplish this summer:
-To see the sunset from a beach other than huntington, laguna, and corona del mar. =)
-Go clubbing at 2 new places at least.
-Try an activity that I've always wanted to: sky diving or something like it, doesn't have to be as extreme.
-Find a new pedicure place here in soCal.
-Choreo at least 2 pieces.
-Buy some people whom I've grown to like presents. =)
-Find a reason to dress up for a nice dinner.
-Figure out if I'm going to be able to watch Musiq Soulchild for my birthday...I don't wanna go alone but I don't know if I can afford the tickets I want. =/
-Save up to buy myself a new camera so I can take pictures like I used to! Woohoo for 200 pictures from one event!! haha i don't think I can break that record...
Well yeah, I guess I'll update this list if stuff get's crossed off or if I think of anything else I may need to accomplish.
For this week the only things on my schedule so far are:
-Time with sonic, sri i've been mia the past few days.
-SHOPPING.
-Time with Tiffy.
-Time with Mel.
-Practice for MCIA. =D
-Work + class
-half my paper needs to be done
Mmmm I guess the last thing I want to mention concerning the future is that I've been really happy in the past couple of days. And I owe it to a great little group of people, and someone whose kinda growing on me. Haha. The days are looking up as long as I've got you guys and I feel like summer won't be a bust if we can keep up what we've got. I hope things only get better and we get closer. =)
TTFN!
<3BAM
Such an upgrade from the person I assumed would be a delight to room with this year. BTW she needs to come clean up the mess she made. Nineteen years old and mommy is still wiping her ass. (metaphorically).
Anyways, in thinking about the future I also realized that I'm ecstatic about practice starting up tomorrow, I've missed doing something that made me feel accomplished and productive. I know that at some point I'm going to have to give up dancing as much as I do now in order to focus. I also know that I'll never fully give up on dancing either. I just know that I'm sticking with it, and with the team while I can.
I've also been thinking about this summer. I never really made any predictions about what this summer would be like and I only made a few goals for myself over the summer but it's never too late to have hope. =)
Some things I'd like to accomplish this summer:
-To see the sunset from a beach other than huntington, laguna, and corona del mar. =)
-Go clubbing at 2 new places at least.
-Try an activity that I've always wanted to: sky diving or something like it, doesn't have to be as extreme.
-Find a new pedicure place here in soCal.
-Choreo at least 2 pieces.
-Buy some people whom I've grown to like presents. =)
-Find a reason to dress up for a nice dinner.
-Figure out if I'm going to be able to watch Musiq Soulchild for my birthday...I don't wanna go alone but I don't know if I can afford the tickets I want. =/
-Save up to buy myself a new camera so I can take pictures like I used to! Woohoo for 200 pictures from one event!! haha i don't think I can break that record...
Well yeah, I guess I'll update this list if stuff get's crossed off or if I think of anything else I may need to accomplish.
For this week the only things on my schedule so far are:
-Time with sonic, sri i've been mia the past few days.
-SHOPPING.
-Time with Tiffy.
-Time with Mel.
-Practice for MCIA. =D
-Work + class
-half my paper needs to be done
Mmmm I guess the last thing I want to mention concerning the future is that I've been really happy in the past couple of days. And I owe it to a great little group of people, and someone whose kinda growing on me. Haha. The days are looking up as long as I've got you guys and I feel like summer won't be a bust if we can keep up what we've got. I hope things only get better and we get closer. =)
TTFN!
<3BAM
Thursday, July 10, 2008
results.
=D
letting people in was a good idea, i love that there is a stable group of people in my life who get where i'm coming from, know when to take me seriously, and when to delve a little deeper to see whats really getting to me.
mmm summer's finally looking up. which is kinda weird for me to say since i didn't really set any expectations for this summer, i just kinda figured that things would go at worst, okay. =) haha
progress is a process, it takes time. i like that. seeing changes is so much better than just suddenly realizing them.
mmm...yay. hahaha
=P
<3BAM
letting people in was a good idea, i love that there is a stable group of people in my life who get where i'm coming from, know when to take me seriously, and when to delve a little deeper to see whats really getting to me.
mmm summer's finally looking up. which is kinda weird for me to say since i didn't really set any expectations for this summer, i just kinda figured that things would go at worst, okay. =) haha
progress is a process, it takes time. i like that. seeing changes is so much better than just suddenly realizing them.
mmm...yay. hahaha
=P
<3BAM
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
fresh.
i dunno why the eff it took me this long to hit myself upside the head and realize this.
but i obviously have people that care enough about me to check in regularly and not take me for granted and they're the ones who I should be reflecting off of. damnet i love you guys.
not saying the rest of the people in my life aren't awesome, but some understand me more than others right now and its prolly best if i work with them right now.
a co-worker walked by about half an hour ago and asked me how my day was going. i said great.
to him it was idle conversation, to me, it was an accomplishment.
now to tidy up the edges....
<3BAM!
but i obviously have people that care enough about me to check in regularly and not take me for granted and they're the ones who I should be reflecting off of. damnet i love you guys.
not saying the rest of the people in my life aren't awesome, but some understand me more than others right now and its prolly best if i work with them right now.
a co-worker walked by about half an hour ago and asked me how my day was going. i said great.
to him it was idle conversation, to me, it was an accomplishment.
now to tidy up the edges....
<3BAM!
im sick of.
people who are convince they know everyones whole story when they haven't even asked.
people who swear friends and yet leave other people in the dust.
people who make it seem like you were never even there. i think that one hurts the most.
feeling like this. so i'm going to get through it on my own. without the things that seem like they're supposed to do some good but wouldn't help anyways. in my own way, in my own time, but completely. i won't let the reversal be complete. no half-assing.
im at work and ill be here for another 2.5 hours and thats fine. the weather outside is how i feel on the inside. kinda whatevers. but that can be fixed at least. bring on the weather, cause it'll be fine.
<3bam
people who swear friends and yet leave other people in the dust.
people who make it seem like you were never even there. i think that one hurts the most.
feeling like this. so i'm going to get through it on my own. without the things that seem like they're supposed to do some good but wouldn't help anyways. in my own way, in my own time, but completely. i won't let the reversal be complete. no half-assing.
im at work and ill be here for another 2.5 hours and thats fine. the weather outside is how i feel on the inside. kinda whatevers. but that can be fixed at least. bring on the weather, cause it'll be fine.
<3bam
letting go.
of the frustration is coming along nicely.
but the loss of respect and the hurt of being lied to will take much longer to heal. but i have people around me whom i can trust still and whom i can have faith in when i'm working through this new conflict.
no more half assed bullshit.
but the loss of respect and the hurt of being lied to will take much longer to heal. but i have people around me whom i can trust still and whom i can have faith in when i'm working through this new conflict.
no more half assed bullshit.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
patience.
time fixes all the hurts.
and it soothes the anger and frustration.
time. patience. working on it.
and it soothes the anger and frustration.
time. patience. working on it.
decisions decisions...
In thinking about what I want right now, I still really want to choreo. =) I cannot pick a song though...I'm not feeling anything too slow right now and I want something with an interesting beat so here are some of my options so far, feel free to let me know if any of these jumps out at you as just being particularly awesome because in my mind they're all sick songs to dance to.
(in no particular order)
1. Livin a Lie - The Dream feat Rihanna
2. Fast Car - The Dream
3. Lifetime - Usher
4. Closer - NeYo
5. Wall to wall - Chris Brown
mmm I kinda got rid of a few as I was about to write them up there. interestingly enough the songs that I have been listening to a lot lately are:
Livin a Lie - The dream feat rihanna, fast car - the dream, something special - usher, closer - ne-yo, don't stop the music - rihanna, so much betta - janet jackson (thats the in your face jam), rock-a-bye - black buddafly.
Thank God for good music. lol and maybe sonic a little. haha not.
There are little bits and pieces of songs that really stand out to me, i'd point them out but then it would be horribly obvious what I'm thinking and since when have I ever been obvious in my blogs. lol.
Contrary to popular belief I like being immersed in music and solitude rather than being out and about. But being social is more fun, so I kick myself out of my comfy bed or off my comfy couch every now and then when the companies worth it.
Speaking of furniture...I need a new place to live already cause I'm way over this VDC nonsense. I feel like I've lived here too long and that I need to get out and live in a real apt, away from the bs that takes place in this area cause of peoples immaturity. That's coming along well I like to think though, at the earliest I'll be out of here by July 20. haha
Today will be a good day, yesterdays in the past and thats where its staying. Betch.
Mmmmm parctice starts up again soon, I'm dying with anticipation.
<3BAM
(in no particular order)
1. Livin a Lie - The Dream feat Rihanna
2. Fast Car - The Dream
3. Lifetime - Usher
4. Closer - NeYo
5. Wall to wall - Chris Brown
mmm I kinda got rid of a few as I was about to write them up there. interestingly enough the songs that I have been listening to a lot lately are:
Livin a Lie - The dream feat rihanna, fast car - the dream, something special - usher, closer - ne-yo, don't stop the music - rihanna, so much betta - janet jackson (thats the in your face jam), rock-a-bye - black buddafly.
Thank God for good music. lol and maybe sonic a little. haha not.
There are little bits and pieces of songs that really stand out to me, i'd point them out but then it would be horribly obvious what I'm thinking and since when have I ever been obvious in my blogs. lol.
Contrary to popular belief I like being immersed in music and solitude rather than being out and about. But being social is more fun, so I kick myself out of my comfy bed or off my comfy couch every now and then when the companies worth it.
Speaking of furniture...I need a new place to live already cause I'm way over this VDC nonsense. I feel like I've lived here too long and that I need to get out and live in a real apt, away from the bs that takes place in this area cause of peoples immaturity. That's coming along well I like to think though, at the earliest I'll be out of here by July 20. haha
Today will be a good day, yesterdays in the past and thats where its staying. Betch.
Mmmmm parctice starts up again soon, I'm dying with anticipation.
<3BAM
Monday, July 7, 2008
last blog of the day. i swear.
i've been blogging a lot today and it's helped me sort through my thoughts and emotions. this is going to be the last blog of the day because i've come to a point where i've got a few things to say and i just want them done.
to a certain someone,
All you wanted was to communicate, so I did my best to accomodate. "I don't want to lose our friendship" I can't believe those words anymore, not after the treatment I've been given. The fact of the matter is there was one smal decency you could've done me, and you couldn't even have enough respect for me to tell me the news yourself. I would've told you myself rather than have you find out on your own through a stupid website that likes to update people on everything all on its own. All the things you've chastised me for, and all the things you made me feel guilty for you're now guilty of comitting. Funny how happiness can almost seem wrong isn't it? I don't want to dislike you as much as I do right now but how can I help it? Trust was never an issue between us, but you've lost what little faith I had left in you. I do wish you happiness, contrary to what other people seem to think, i just want it to be real. For all I know it could be real it could be fake, but that's just it isn't it, I don't really know anything at all. You had the opportunity to fill me in, at least a little on what was going on and you passed it up. That was your choice, and I know you have your reasons. Note for the future, the harder road in that situation may have been the better one in the long run. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you for a while, my respect for you has been torn a little bit. I do hope though that you find your happiness, and that you can face any challenges that stand in your path with the strength I know you haven't discovered yet inyourself but I always knew was there. You'll do great.
to a few disreputable others,
when i turned to you for comfort and all you had was judgement to pass on me, you lost a lot of the faith i had built up in you. all i wanted was to point out my discomforts and to show that i was concerned, but you all took it as me trying to interfere or me refusing to let go. well here's a little something you should know, i want him to be happy and i don't give a shit that there's someone new, only that it happened so fast. don't give me crap for being concerned, and don't think that i'll fit into the neat little boxes that you all so kindly tried to fit me into. i never stop caring or wanting the best for my friends so assuming that i'm trying to pursue my own ends in someone elses life which i know i have no right to meddle in lest it be for their own good is BULLSHIT on your part. i am far more disappointed in you than in the situation above because when i needed you, you shot me down, hurt me further than i was already hurting and acted as if you were the wiser. stop assuming you know whats going through a persons head when they ask you for help and actually listen to what they're saying. it's not hard to tune in.
that's it.
<3bam
to a certain someone,
All you wanted was to communicate, so I did my best to accomodate. "I don't want to lose our friendship" I can't believe those words anymore, not after the treatment I've been given. The fact of the matter is there was one smal decency you could've done me, and you couldn't even have enough respect for me to tell me the news yourself. I would've told you myself rather than have you find out on your own through a stupid website that likes to update people on everything all on its own. All the things you've chastised me for, and all the things you made me feel guilty for you're now guilty of comitting. Funny how happiness can almost seem wrong isn't it? I don't want to dislike you as much as I do right now but how can I help it? Trust was never an issue between us, but you've lost what little faith I had left in you. I do wish you happiness, contrary to what other people seem to think, i just want it to be real. For all I know it could be real it could be fake, but that's just it isn't it, I don't really know anything at all. You had the opportunity to fill me in, at least a little on what was going on and you passed it up. That was your choice, and I know you have your reasons. Note for the future, the harder road in that situation may have been the better one in the long run. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you for a while, my respect for you has been torn a little bit. I do hope though that you find your happiness, and that you can face any challenges that stand in your path with the strength I know you haven't discovered yet inyourself but I always knew was there. You'll do great.
to a few disreputable others,
when i turned to you for comfort and all you had was judgement to pass on me, you lost a lot of the faith i had built up in you. all i wanted was to point out my discomforts and to show that i was concerned, but you all took it as me trying to interfere or me refusing to let go. well here's a little something you should know, i want him to be happy and i don't give a shit that there's someone new, only that it happened so fast. don't give me crap for being concerned, and don't think that i'll fit into the neat little boxes that you all so kindly tried to fit me into. i never stop caring or wanting the best for my friends so assuming that i'm trying to pursue my own ends in someone elses life which i know i have no right to meddle in lest it be for their own good is BULLSHIT on your part. i am far more disappointed in you than in the situation above because when i needed you, you shot me down, hurt me further than i was already hurting and acted as if you were the wiser. stop assuming you know whats going through a persons head when they ask you for help and actually listen to what they're saying. it's not hard to tune in.
that's it.
<3bam
mmmm one more thing.
if its possible for me to hate, then i suppose that this disgusting feeling within me is hatred and its aimed towards a certain someone.
above all i hate being lied to when i give every opportunity for honesty.
thats all.
above all i hate being lied to when i give every opportunity for honesty.
thats all.
a new space.
a new space for my thoughts because i felt betrayed by those who were reading my last blog. all i ask when you read is that you take into account that this is my space of expression and that while you may have your own opinion about what i have written ultimately no one actually has the right to ask me to edit myself. and also, no one has the right to use my words against me.
for a while now, I've felt like my last blog was being turned against me. like I couldn't write anything without someone attacking me because they thought i shouldn't have written it or because they thought i was wrong. well guess what, it's my blog. so those people can go find their own space to express their opinions and guess what I'll read them but I'll respect their space.
respect: something that has been missing from my life for a while now. from family, majority of my friends, some of the team, quite a number of my brothers and even those that i held closest to me. all I really ask for is that you take my feelings into account like I would take yours into account when our lives are at intersection with each other, is that really hard? you don't have to act on them but shit, a little consideration would be better than nothing. and for once could someone please take my actions into context...if I'm upset hell yes I'm going to overreact, but my god overreacting on your part will not help.
right now, i really need some sense of stability in my life because too much of it feels fluid. everything i do seems to float on a cloud of doubt. and everything i think, i end up questioning about five minutes later. i went from feeling like i had everyone to turn to, to feeling like everyone is kind of turning in a different direction than me for a little bit.
i have faith that everything will spin back into place, but what am i supposed to do until then?
the options are slowly laying themselves out for me, but when i think about it, i don't really feel as if any of them are right. most people have been giving me the advice of going with the flow and letting it happen, ultimately that's all we ever do it's just convincing myself that's what I'm doing that is the problem.
i feel a lot of pain right now, mentally. A lot of the things I was sure of have been washed away with the tides of summer.
for the most part, i would say i feel betrayed. betrayed by myself and by others. i did a good job letting people in, and letting myself feel comfortable but i forgot to set my limits so that i could still be comfortable should something go wrong. in my life, I've had maybe three or four people who I've let in completely and they haven't let me down. I love them for that. I wish that I could say more followed this trend.
I think I should try to end this on something of a good note, since it's my first serious post on this new blog. I guess I'm going to say that from here on out I'm not going to let people think that they can use my words against me. We're all entitled to our expressions, this is going to be mine please don't pollute that.
<3bam
for a while now, I've felt like my last blog was being turned against me. like I couldn't write anything without someone attacking me because they thought i shouldn't have written it or because they thought i was wrong. well guess what, it's my blog. so those people can go find their own space to express their opinions and guess what I'll read them but I'll respect their space.
respect: something that has been missing from my life for a while now. from family, majority of my friends, some of the team, quite a number of my brothers and even those that i held closest to me. all I really ask for is that you take my feelings into account like I would take yours into account when our lives are at intersection with each other, is that really hard? you don't have to act on them but shit, a little consideration would be better than nothing. and for once could someone please take my actions into context...if I'm upset hell yes I'm going to overreact, but my god overreacting on your part will not help.
right now, i really need some sense of stability in my life because too much of it feels fluid. everything i do seems to float on a cloud of doubt. and everything i think, i end up questioning about five minutes later. i went from feeling like i had everyone to turn to, to feeling like everyone is kind of turning in a different direction than me for a little bit.
i have faith that everything will spin back into place, but what am i supposed to do until then?
the options are slowly laying themselves out for me, but when i think about it, i don't really feel as if any of them are right. most people have been giving me the advice of going with the flow and letting it happen, ultimately that's all we ever do it's just convincing myself that's what I'm doing that is the problem.
i feel a lot of pain right now, mentally. A lot of the things I was sure of have been washed away with the tides of summer.
for the most part, i would say i feel betrayed. betrayed by myself and by others. i did a good job letting people in, and letting myself feel comfortable but i forgot to set my limits so that i could still be comfortable should something go wrong. in my life, I've had maybe three or four people who I've let in completely and they haven't let me down. I love them for that. I wish that I could say more followed this trend.
I think I should try to end this on something of a good note, since it's my first serious post on this new blog. I guess I'm going to say that from here on out I'm not going to let people think that they can use my words against me. We're all entitled to our expressions, this is going to be mine please don't pollute that.
<3bam
Sunday, July 6, 2008
thinking about it.
i really needed somewhere new to express myself. and here it is. more on why later.
luv,
bam
luv,
bam