pause.

You know that odd suspended characteristic that movies take on when you hit the pause button in the middle of a scene? I feel as if someone has hit the pause button on my emotions at the moment. I'm capable of feeling happy, capable of feeling anxious and yet, I force myself not to be sad, as if I know it will come and I'm not so much bracing myself for it as prolonging it for when it's more appropriate.

The last final is out of the way, as is the last essay and the clock is ticking in my ear with the most resounding tones I've ever heard. You think about your life at the little pauses you get in between the big events, the five seconds of your life story in which you get to breathe and take a look around you before someone hits play and you're right back in the action again. I suppose I can say that I saw this coming, and we all know what lies ahead of us when we walk into these kinds of situations, but I find the battle to hold onto the pause button growing harder and harder to stabilize. Part of me wants to fast forward to get to a point where I won't have to worry about this situation and to the part where I get to be happy with the one thing I want. But that part of me realizes what comes with it, and that's whats holding the button down.

What wants to let go? The part of me that wants to tell the world that I'm ok before anything's even had the chance to impact me. That's the part of myself that I'm truly afraid of. That's where the fear comes from. Part of me wanting to leap into the unknown and let the world have at me, and part of me wanting to just get to the comfortable part.

My life's never been one smooth road, now there have been potholes and speedbumps all along the way. But I'm grateful for it. I know a true high from a real low, and I have to say that they are altogether the same at their most basic description. This doesn't go so far as to say that life is monotone, rather that I know deep down that I have nothing to fear which is why I go on. Which is why I bother. Which is why I allow myself to pause for a second. I know I'm not missing anything and I know that there's everything to miss.

Ahh...dualities.

Less than a month and counting. It will be ok.

<3bam