ok this quarter is OFFICIALLY whooping my butt. T.T
I sit here completely distracted and unable to focus...and I have a midterm tomorrow. FML.
I will note though that I have accomplished a LOT for myself that I wanted to do lately, and my goodness...I am so happy and I feel so blessed to finally feel my life moving forward. It's a scary thought and that hazy "someday when i graduate from college" is not so hazy anymore. But anywhos here's a quick pick me upper list of stuff I'm glad I finally got the chance to get around to. smiles and hugs to all those who helped.
happy stuff:
-work at a steady on campus job
-start cooking for myself on a regular basis
-choreo a whacking piece that would be used in a set
-get choreo into a set for mcia
-become part of official leadership for a team
-fulfill requirements to pick up a little(s) (the actual picking up will be soon so taking care of littles will be added after that)
-get a funky hair dye job
-fall in love with my boyfriend again
-book a trip to somewhere in the world that I've never been to
-get myself out there in aphio again
-reconnect with people
-connect on a deeper level with people i already surround myself with
-help out a friend whom i've been waiting to figure out how to help (because she never seems to need any of the help i could give)
and i guess thats just a few without getting super specific.
Thanks God and everyone for all the love, pushing, shoving, smiling, and cheering. This quarter may be kicking my butt but at least I can feel life pulling at me, and I don't feel stagnant anymore.
<3samBAM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
it'll be ok.
dear darling,
I know the world is a frustrating place and I know how hard it can be to keep your thoughts floating high amidst the sea of people determined to win the "my life is worse than yours" competition, but I believe in you. Never have I doubted your ability to maintain your dignity or your ability to overcome the blindness of others. If we can all see the way our world is trying to help us live a good life then we can be happy, and we can get past our love for loathing. You can rise above, and you will, just believe in it.
I go through my day despising people here and there and claiming that "people suck" yet despite my pessimism, I always feel content at the end of the day and I always tell myself that all my work during the day paid off, even if I'm not the one reaping the rewards. For example, me being cautious in the parking structure after some idiot cut me off while making a wide turn while talking on their cell phone pays off because after I get angry I wait for a good spot, get one, and in turn I get to be polite to someone who otherwise might have felt rushed to get out of their parking spot and I spare those who encounter me during my wait the hassle of yet another irresponsible driver. I guess I'm outwardly pessimistic yet inside I'm still optimistic little me.
Why? Because like you, I'm forced to conform to people around me who only want to aknowledge how hard it is for them. Fight it. Be proud of your hard life. It will be ok. Trust me. Faith.
I love you.
<3sami
I know the world is a frustrating place and I know how hard it can be to keep your thoughts floating high amidst the sea of people determined to win the "my life is worse than yours" competition, but I believe in you. Never have I doubted your ability to maintain your dignity or your ability to overcome the blindness of others. If we can all see the way our world is trying to help us live a good life then we can be happy, and we can get past our love for loathing. You can rise above, and you will, just believe in it.
I go through my day despising people here and there and claiming that "people suck" yet despite my pessimism, I always feel content at the end of the day and I always tell myself that all my work during the day paid off, even if I'm not the one reaping the rewards. For example, me being cautious in the parking structure after some idiot cut me off while making a wide turn while talking on their cell phone pays off because after I get angry I wait for a good spot, get one, and in turn I get to be polite to someone who otherwise might have felt rushed to get out of their parking spot and I spare those who encounter me during my wait the hassle of yet another irresponsible driver. I guess I'm outwardly pessimistic yet inside I'm still optimistic little me.
Why? Because like you, I'm forced to conform to people around me who only want to aknowledge how hard it is for them. Fight it. Be proud of your hard life. It will be ok. Trust me. Faith.
I love you.
<3sami
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i just need...
...a little of your time, a little of your time to say the things i never said...
too often i think of things i wish i had said in moments gone by.
like today.
"yes, i'll be there...i'm here getting ready aren't i?"
"sure, but did you really expect that to be received well?"
"i'm really not in the mood for people's idiocy today. actually i'm just not in the mood for other people today, i'd like to just zoom in on me for a day and give myself the attention i'm not getting in return. but yeah....it'll get better...yeah it'll be gone by tomorrow."
"why do I do this again?"
"No, you do it."
"could you please stop bugging me and just handle your business already."
"well that's fucking stupid."
and more...today was frustrating. one of those me against humanity kinds of days. it had its ups, but i think im starting to feel the strain of gaining my motivation back.
like my facebook status says, I really just can't be bothered with anything at the moment. get back to me later, when I have the willingness to care again.
it would've been nice to NOT hear the same comment today but from a different mouth that hurt me so badly yesterday...lets try to pay just a little more attention to people guys...i really thought the first one was an honest slip up. but can i ask honestly, am i that easy to ignore when im not making the effort for/towards you?
every now and then we need a little time away...
<3bam
too often i think of things i wish i had said in moments gone by.
like today.
"yes, i'll be there...i'm here getting ready aren't i?"
"sure, but did you really expect that to be received well?"
"i'm really not in the mood for people's idiocy today. actually i'm just not in the mood for other people today, i'd like to just zoom in on me for a day and give myself the attention i'm not getting in return. but yeah....it'll get better...yeah it'll be gone by tomorrow."
"why do I do this again?"
"No, you do it."
"could you please stop bugging me and just handle your business already."
"well that's fucking stupid."
and more...today was frustrating. one of those me against humanity kinds of days. it had its ups, but i think im starting to feel the strain of gaining my motivation back.
like my facebook status says, I really just can't be bothered with anything at the moment. get back to me later, when I have the willingness to care again.
it would've been nice to NOT hear the same comment today but from a different mouth that hurt me so badly yesterday...lets try to pay just a little more attention to people guys...i really thought the first one was an honest slip up. but can i ask honestly, am i that easy to ignore when im not making the effort for/towards you?
every now and then we need a little time away...
<3bam
Monday, April 13, 2009
used and abused...left to my own deVICES
lately i've been feeling pushed to the side,
not the far side, just to the side,
taken out of the mainstream if you will
but still tugging along in the current
pursuing the pull if you will
yet never grabbing hold of the rope.
over, and over, and over,
i tumble, rise, slip.
like raindrops at the very start of the mist,
first one, then another,
then a pause.
then another, and that's it.
hazy grey mist, bright blue skies,
a bright yellow sun,
and I'm feeling better.
then i start to think.
the hours melt into the
screen melts into the
desk melts into the
floor rises up to meet
my feet are grounded.
good stuff.
pitter, patter, there it goes,
again, and again,
and a pause,
til next time!
<3samBAM
not the far side, just to the side,
taken out of the mainstream if you will
but still tugging along in the current
pursuing the pull if you will
yet never grabbing hold of the rope.
over, and over, and over,
i tumble, rise, slip.
like raindrops at the very start of the mist,
first one, then another,
then a pause.
then another, and that's it.
hazy grey mist, bright blue skies,
a bright yellow sun,
and I'm feeling better.
then i start to think.
the hours melt into the
screen melts into the
desk melts into the
floor rises up to meet
my feet are grounded.
good stuff.
pitter, patter, there it goes,
again, and again,
and a pause,
til next time!
<3samBAM