VIBE IS HERE!! VIBE IS TODAY!!! I HAVE TO GO GET READY FOR VIBE.....=)
I will update more after the show. for now...
<3samBAM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
i miss my aussie...
We're going strong though. =D I can't believe it's already been two weeks, that's good though. It means the next few months won't be so hard either. We got this baby. We got this.
On another note, yet following the same train of thought:
A big big big thank you to Diana, Jen, Julian, Kris, Sonic, Andrew, Steven, Mar, Ayla, Aimee and Ryan for helping keep me on my feet the first week and a half when it was hardest for me to be alone while I was adjusting. You guys are awesome. =)
MCIA performs at vibe tomorrow, I am excited.
<3samBAM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
worried...
The injuries are adding up, the medications increasing, and the coughs are echoing. I'm worried about the people behind the dancers.
VIBE XIV = the first big challenge of the year.
It will be a good show, but I'm afraid of the aftermath.
I have to hope that it will be ok, and I have faith that we are all doing our best. I guess I'm just fearful of the seemingly inevitable.
Here's to All love, and all the sacrifices that come with it. =)
EDIT 5:48 AM (about an hour after I originally posted this):
...ironically while I'm so busy being worried about everyone else, and I'm being optimistic abotu myself i go and get hurt...sigh. it's ok, i'll just be careful and i'll be fine come showtime. I'm proud of you too MCIA, there's no other group for whom I'd endure all this for (well save mi familia but then again MCIA is family so that just works out nicely).
VIBE XIV = the first big challenge of the year.
It will be a good show, but I'm afraid of the aftermath.
I have to hope that it will be ok, and I have faith that we are all doing our best. I guess I'm just fearful of the seemingly inevitable.
Here's to All love, and all the sacrifices that come with it. =)
EDIT 5:48 AM (about an hour after I originally posted this):
...ironically while I'm so busy being worried about everyone else, and I'm being optimistic abotu myself i go and get hurt...sigh. it's ok, i'll just be careful and i'll be fine come showtime. I'm proud of you too MCIA, there's no other group for whom I'd endure all this for (well save mi familia but then again MCIA is family so that just works out nicely).
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
CHange comes slowly...
I need to relax, need to slow my mind for just a minute. Sigh. So I'm going to be doing a little survey to slow myself down.
Do you ever wish you had a different last name?
I love my family so I am proud to bear my last name, as for the future, I'm not too sure if I will be changing my name or keeping it the same, but we'll see. I'm fairly optimistic.
If a stranger looked in your closet, what would they think?
They would notice all the bright colors and the melting pot of style. If I had my closet organized by timeline, I suppose that stranger would see the progression I've made to get to the style that I wear today. Hopefully they'd notice all the sweats and be able to deduce that I'm a dancer. =)
Do people underestimate you?
I hope so, otherwise it means that everyone knows my potential and I have nothing else to achieve. I like to think that many people have inaccurate descriptions about me too.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Class....most of the day...and then practice into the wee hours of morning. a dancers life for meee...
Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them?
mmmm I can't say I hate anyone, but there are people whom I didn't initially like and now I have nothing against them. I suppose the counts as an answer for this question
What side of a heart do you draw first?
the right side and then i draw the left all in one line.
Do you wear a lot of black?
I try to, simply because it accessorizes well and can be worn for almost any occasion.
Do you have a tan?
I'm natural brown baby and couldn't be prouder. Well I suppose I could be but then I think that would be over kill, I feel that pride in ones biological distinctions is what led to racism and I'd prefer not to venture too far down that path, I'm proud of who I am, but I know that everyone has every right to be who they are as well.
Do you like orange juice?
OMG YES. I love juice in general, I'd rather drink juice than water/soda ANY day.
Do you get emotional easily?
Yeah, I try not to but i think I get my empathy from my mom. I show my emotion very easily btu I don't like it when I cry in public. I get mad at myeslf which only makes it worse caues when I get mad I cry sometimes too.
How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I can function on as little as 4 hours of sleep but dont expect much of me as the day is drawing to a close. We'll see how I fare today, I got as much sleep as I could but I was so nervous I slept very lightly and couldn't get comfortable.
Cutest thing somebodys said to you today?
well baby sent me a wake up email that wished me luck and said some very sweet things that made me smile as I set off to start my day.
Did you feel awkward at all today?
yes...after my interview and during the filling out of my application
Do you think you will be married by the time you are 35?
Oh yeah, and it's going to be sweet. =) It's funny how much more fun life is when you have a goal that you can watch yourself achieve and when you have someone to work with.
Last thing you drank?
mango juice...MMMMMMMMMMMM my faaaavorite!
Did you wake up happy today?
Not really, I woke up nervous and restless because I didn't get the full amount of sleep I was hoping for. But I am happy that I woke up to a new president. YEAH!!
What month were you born in?
September, an awesome month.
Has anyone ever told you that they hated you, seriously?
I think so but I doubt she meant it. Some people are acting like they hate me right now, but pooh on them. I've been mature this whole time and I don't think I deserve that kind of treatment but we will see if they can grow up and accept the chance life is giving them to be better people.
Do you sleep with socks on?
I can't. My feet feel weird when I have socks on. I prefer tucking the sheets in around my feet to keep them warm. =)
How old do you look?
People say I look older than I am, which I suppose makes me feel better about myself.
Are you waiting for something?
I'm waiting about five months until I can see my boyfriend again and after that, hopefully it won't take too long for us to get our lives going along in one place.
What were you doing at ten last night?
I was at practice and we were cleaning our intro...hooray for hell week.
Did you cry today?
no but I kind of feel like it....that interview could have gone much better. It wasn't bad but it could've been better. But like baby said, just think of him and it'll be ok.
If you could have something right now, what would it be?
Unlimited international minutes and texts and free airfare from here to australia/singapore. sigh.
Do you know somebody that got hit by a car?
KInda, I know someone who was hit by a car and someone whose car was hit by a car.
Can you sleep in jeans?
I don't think that's a good idea at any point...if I'm that tired or intoxicated it's probably a bad thing. Besides I like getting ready for bed, it helps me calm down after even the calmest days.
Who was your last text from and what'd it say?
my boyfriend "hey baby, i love you"
Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
WARM. I dislike being cold weather only because I find it hard to accurately judge how much you should wear to stay all the way warm. If its hot you can always take off a layer/light jacket but with cold what you got is all you got.
What do you currently hear right now?
the inauguration follow up on CNN.
Do you know anyone named Austin?
uh I think I used to when I was little but no one is coming to mind at the moment. lol
What is the next big decision you have to make in your life?
Puppy or no puppy? It's looking like no puppy which is depressing me to the revers degree of how happy a puppy would make me. SIgh. Reasons for not getting a puppy: school, work (potential), and moving around in the next year or two...=)
Do you live near your best friend?
I live with a best friend, live near a best friend (D), live with a bestfriend in my heart (des) and my other bestfriends and no further than a phonecall/text away.
What are you wearing right now?
white sweats, blue tubetop, mcia hoodie and a kirby in my lap.
Where were you at 11:45 last night?
still at practice, i think this was when we were just finishing up the intro.
What's the best eye color for the opposite sex?
brown. beautiful brown eyes. with eyelids that don't match. Gah I miss you baby.
What time did you go to bed last night?
230ish. winding down took a little longer than i thought.
What will you do SUNDAY?
PERFORM AT VIBE XIV!!!!!!!! my third vibe performance and I realize I'm not as excited as before but at the same time i am not as stressed as before. I'm looking forward to puting on a good performance and makign sure the newbies and returners get their fill of the stage.
Are you married?
not at the moment, but I love my bf, love my team and love my friends.
Can you blow a bubble?
with gum YES with bubble wand and mix YES I LOVE BUBBLES!!!!!!!
Can you touch your tongue to your nose?
mhmmm but it barely touches, and I think I look ridiculous doing it.
Do you think you will be in a relationship in 5 months?
Yeah, and I'll be happier than I am now because I'll be with the one I love.
Are you listening to music?
not at the moment, but in my car I listen to a cd with lot's of my bf's music on it.
Who was the last person you talked to face to face?
The parking attendant whose job seemed a little ridiculous to me, people should be able to stick parking tickets into their own slots geeze, but i appreciated him he was polite and helpful.
Who do you blame for your mood today?
just me, it's my life, my responsibility.
Something you do a lot?
eat, sleep, let kirby sleep on me even though shes so mean to me the rest of the time.
How is your day so far?
it could be better but I'm grateful to God for a boyfriend who makes sure I wake up in a good mood everyday and makes me feel like everyday has the potential to be the best day ever.
What color cell phone do you have?
lol its black and white BUT it has a lime green cover.
Do you ever wish you had a different last name?
I love my family so I am proud to bear my last name, as for the future, I'm not too sure if I will be changing my name or keeping it the same, but we'll see. I'm fairly optimistic.
If a stran
They would notice all the bright colors and the melting pot of style. If I had my closet organized by timeline, I suppose that stranger would see the progression I've made to get to the style that I wear today. Hopefully they'd notice all the sweats and be able to deduce that I'm a dancer. =)
Do peopl
I hope so, otherwise it means that everyone knows my potential and I have nothing else to achieve. I like to think that many people have inaccurate descriptions about me too.
What are you doing
Class....most of the day...and then practice into the wee hours of morning. a dancers life for meee...
Have you ever hated
mmmm I can't say I hate anyone, but there are people whom I didn't initially like and now I have nothing against them. I suppose the counts as an answer for this question
What side of a heart
the right side and then i draw the left all in one line.
Do you wear a lot of black
I try to, simply because it accessorizes well and can be worn for almost any occasion.
Do you have a tan?
I'm natural brown baby and couldn't be prouder. Well I suppose I could be but then I think that would be over kill, I feel that pride in ones biological distinctions is what led to racism and I'd prefer not to venture too far down that path, I'm proud of who I am, but I know that everyone has every right to be who they are as well.
Do you like orang
OMG YES. I love juice in general, I'd rather drink juice than water/soda ANY day.
Do you get emoti
Yeah, I try not to but i think I get my empathy from my mom. I show my emotion very easily btu I don't like it when I cry in public. I get mad at myeslf which only makes it worse caues when I get mad I cry sometimes too.
How many hours
I can function on as little as 4 hours of sleep but dont expect much of me as the day is drawing to a close. We'll see how I fare today, I got as much sleep as I could but I was so nervous I slept very lightly and couldn't get comfortable.
Cutes
well baby sent me a wake up email that wished me luck and said some very sweet things that made me smile as I set off to start my day.
Did you feel awkwa
yes...after my interview and during the filling out of my application
Do you think
Oh yeah, and it's going to be sweet. =) It's funny how much more fun life is when you have a goal that you can watch yourself achieve and when you have someone to work with.
Last thing
mango juice...MMMMMMMMMMMM my faaaavorite!
Did you wake up happy
Not really, I woke up nervous and restless because I didn't get the full amount of sleep I was hoping for. But I am happy that I woke up to a new president. YEAH!!
What month
September, an awesome month.
Has anyon
I think so but I doubt she meant it. Some people are acting like they hate me right now, but pooh on them. I've been mature this whole time and I don't think I deserve that kind of treatment but we will see if they can grow up and accept the chance life is giving them to be better people.
Do you sleep
I can't. My feet feel weird when I have socks on. I prefer tucking the sheets in around my feet to keep them warm. =)
How old do you look?
People say I look older than I am, which I suppose makes me feel better about myself.
Are you waiti
I'm waiting about five months until I can see my boyfriend again and after that, hopefully it won't take too long for us to get our lives going along in one place.
What were you doing
I was at practice and we were cleaning our intro...hooray for hell week.
Did you cry today
no but I kind of feel like it....that interview could have gone much better. It wasn't bad but it could've been better. But like baby said, just think of him and it'll be ok.
If you could
Unlimited international minutes and texts and free airfare from here to australia/singapore. sigh.
Do you know someb
KInda, I know someone who was hit by a car and someone whose car was hit by a car.
Can you sleep
I don't think that's a good idea at any point...if I'm that tired or intoxicated it's probably a bad thing. Besides I like getting ready for bed, it helps me calm down after even the calmest days.
Who was your last text from and what'
my boyfriend "hey baby, i love you"
Do you prefe
WARM. I dislike being cold weather only because I find it hard to accurately judge how much you should wear to stay all the way warm. If its hot you can always take off a layer/light jacket but with cold what you got is all you got.
What do you curre
the inauguration follow up on CNN.
Do you know anyon
uh I think I used to when I was little but no one is coming to mind at the moment. lol
What is the next big decis
Puppy or no puppy? It's looking like no puppy which is depressing me to the revers degree of how happy a puppy would make me. SIgh. Reasons for not getting a puppy: school, work (potential), and moving around in the next year or two...=)
Do you live near your best frien
I live with a best friend, live near a best friend (D), live with a bestfriend in my heart (des) and my other bestfriends and no further than a phonecall/text away.
What are you weari
white sweats, blue tubetop, mcia hoodie and a kirby in my lap.
Where
still at practice, i think this was when we were just finishing up the intro.
What'
brown. beautiful brown eyes. with eyelids that don't match. Gah I miss you baby.
What time did you go to bed last night
230ish. winding down took a little longer than i thought.
What will you do SUNDA
PERFORM AT VIBE XIV!!!!!!!! my third vibe performance and I realize I'm not as excited as before but at the same time i am not as stressed as before. I'm looking forward to puting on a good performance and makign sure the newbies and returners get their fill of the stage.
Are you marri
not at the moment, but I love my bf, love my team and love my friends.
Can you blow a bubbl
with gum YES with bubble wand and mix YES I LOVE BUBBLES!!!!!!!
Can you touch
mhmmm but it barely touches, and I think I look ridiculous doing it.
Do you think
Yeah, and I'll be happier than I am now because I'll be with the one I love.
Are you liste
not at the moment, but in my car I listen to a cd with lot's of my bf's music on it.
Who was the last perso
The parking attendant whose job seemed a little ridiculous to me, people should be able to stick parking tickets into their own slots geeze, but i appreciated him he was polite and helpful.
Who do you blame
just me, it's my life, my responsibility.
Somet
eat, sleep, let kirby sleep on me even though shes so mean to me the rest of the time.
How is your day so far?
it could be better but I'm grateful to God for a boyfriend who makes sure I wake up in a good mood everyday and makes me feel like everyday has the potential to be the best day ever.
What color
lol its black and white BUT it has a lime green cover.
Monday, January 12, 2009
sigh.
i woke up today in a very weird way. my eyes felt sore, as if I had been crying again, and I had a massive headache. But the thing that stood out most to me, was that I woke up to complete slience. Having tuned out the sound of the waterfall outside my bedroom window, I heard nothing.
For some reason, it brought me to tears. There was no soft hush of fingers on fabric, no slow breaths, and no sounds of someone getting ready in the bathroom. Just me, alone, waking up.
It felt so harsh, as silence always does nowadays. I used to like silence, I could sit for hours just me, just typing notes to myself, reading a book, or reviewing notes. Now it hurts me to hear the quiet. Because quiet reminds me that there's no one waiting for me behind that door and that there's no one i'm going home to.
I am doing much better than friday, but it's still hard for me to feel energetic and it's still hard for me to find reason to do things. I'm on my own so much now that it frightens me. I don't wanna go to get the car oil changed by myself, I don't want to have to go to meet people to sell it to by myself, I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself, and most importantly I don't want to eat by myself.
I know I have amazing friends around me, and trust me I've begun to seek some of the support they've offered. But in the end, while everyone can console their missing friend by seeing other friends, i can't completely deal with having no one to place my complete affection on.
Find a way to cope. That's what I need to do. Stay busy. Everyone's advice but it's hard to get going in order to be busy, sometimes. Stay calm. Don't worry I'm taking deep breaths everytime these bouts of loneliness come around. Take care of yourself. I am, I got my apetite back, and I'm keeping myself in order. Be around people. That one's hard...I don't want to be around people just yet, because I know they're main idea about me right now is that i'm sad. If I'm going to be around people, I want to be around them like it's any other day, so that I won't feel special and I won't feel like my world's been turned inside out.
I feel selfish. I feel stupid. I feel lazy. I feel lonely. But I count it a blessing that I can feel, friday I was just numb.
Deep Breaths and Small Steps. That's what I need to focus on. Go to class, run errands, go to practice. For now that's all I am. In time: go to work, meet up with people will get added to the list.
Gimme a little more time to adjust world, slow down a little please...=/
I can do it. I know I can.
"If God gets you to it, God will get you through it."
<3bam
For some reason, it brought me to tears. There was no soft hush of fingers on fabric, no slow breaths, and no sounds of someone getting ready in the bathroom. Just me, alone, waking up.
It felt so harsh, as silence always does nowadays. I used to like silence, I could sit for hours just me, just typing notes to myself, reading a book, or reviewing notes. Now it hurts me to hear the quiet. Because quiet reminds me that there's no one waiting for me behind that door and that there's no one i'm going home to.
I am doing much better than friday, but it's still hard for me to feel energetic and it's still hard for me to find reason to do things. I'm on my own so much now that it frightens me. I don't wanna go to get the car oil changed by myself, I don't want to have to go to meet people to sell it to by myself, I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself, and most importantly I don't want to eat by myself.
I know I have amazing friends around me, and trust me I've begun to seek some of the support they've offered. But in the end, while everyone can console their missing friend by seeing other friends, i can't completely deal with having no one to place my complete affection on.
Find a way to cope. That's what I need to do. Stay busy. Everyone's advice but it's hard to get going in order to be busy, sometimes. Stay calm. Don't worry I'm taking deep breaths everytime these bouts of loneliness come around. Take care of yourself. I am, I got my apetite back, and I'm keeping myself in order. Be around people. That one's hard...I don't want to be around people just yet, because I know they're main idea about me right now is that i'm sad. If I'm going to be around people, I want to be around them like it's any other day, so that I won't feel special and I won't feel like my world's been turned inside out.
I feel selfish. I feel stupid. I feel lazy. I feel lonely. But I count it a blessing that I can feel, friday I was just numb.
Deep Breaths and Small Steps. That's what I need to focus on. Go to class, run errands, go to practice. For now that's all I am. In time: go to work, meet up with people will get added to the list.
Gimme a little more time to adjust world, slow down a little please...=/
I can do it. I know I can.
"If God gets you to it, God will get you through it."
<3bam
Sunday, January 11, 2009
i love you.
I love how all it takes for me to brighten up and feel alive again, is three words from that one special someone. Even though he's far away now, I still get tingles and feel real warmth in my heart when I hear it. Just like when we found each other, I smile at the thought of him.
Thank you God for this amazing partner, and all the life he's brought back into my world. =)
Five months, that's nothing. Real love, that's something.
<3samBAM
Monday, January 5, 2009
Accepting.
The bad always come with the good and nothing could be more true of my life as of this morning. I wake up accepting the fact that I have less than a week left to hug my boyfriend and really feeling ok with it. I move on to check my email and accept that I did JUST poorly enough to attract negative attention for my grades. Further down my list of unread emails, mind you it's always a short list, I see an email in response to a job application I posted last week. It's an interview for an internship that I didn't think I was going to get because I didn't send in a cover letter...oops right?
I guess I've learned alot about what it means to truly accept life as it comes these past few months.
I've learned that communication creates internal and external acceptance of change and difficult concepts. Communication in that sense is difficult, requires extra energy in order to be efficient, and is quite possibly the most difficult thing to navigate while keeping a casual tone. It is the key to survival but so many of us get it wrong.
I've also learned quite a few things about faith and it's relationship to acceptance. more on this later...
I suppose you may be able to figure out by know that this blog has been written over a span of a few days...I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to finish it because ironically, finishing it, meant fully accepting my current circumstances.
I accepted my circumstances completely when I got home three hours ago and said goodbye to him on the phone. I still see him walking through security, and I still feel his hand clenching my back when we hugged. I just can't seem to feel or see anything else at the moment...
Part of acceptance though is the brutal shock that comes with change. It get's easier, I know that, and I know that I'll feel overjoyed when I hear from him when he lands in Japan and then in Singapore. I just can't believe he isn't a phone call away, and that this weekend, after I clean out the last of his existence from his former home here, I have to say goodbye to what quickly became my second home down here in soCal. I sat in his car, which I have to sell, and I felt a little of his presence, warm and comforting, it was probably the best I've felt since he left. And then I realized that the car (hopefully) will be sold soon. When that last part of the larger physical experience is gone...I'll really have to depend on the internet and other forms of communication to be in touch with him.
Will you believe me when I say that I'm actually ok with all of this? It hurts, but that's when you know that it's the good kind of change. When you have to work so hard to get to the next step (which you know will make you happier) you know that the work your doing is good, for you and for your life. "We knew what we were getting into." I'm scared I'm going to lose count of how many times I'm going to say that when people ask how I'm doing. But it's the truth, and to be honest I'm glad for it. I walked into this amazing relationship knowing that it would be a trying one, and know I'm head over heels up to the waist in mud stuck in it, and I couldn't be happier.
I'm crying now, yes, but in five months, I'll be laughing with the one I love the most. It's all about perspective. We know what we want, and we know that to get to it, we have to work hard and that the work we'll have to do isn't easy. But we can do it. Same goal same journey different struggles, and that's ok.
If you're wondering is it worth it, then know that I fully believe it is.
If you're wondering if we're on the same page, then yes we are.
If you're wondering how we expect to maintain the passion, don't worry about it, real passion never dies, and we plan on keeping this flame hot for as long as there is heat to be felt in this world.
...and I finally stopped crying. =/
Day 1. The intermission begins.
<3samBAM
I guess I've learned alot about what it means to truly accept life as it comes these past few months.
I've learned that communication creates internal and external acceptance of change and difficult concepts. Communication in that sense is difficult, requires extra energy in order to be efficient, and is quite possibly the most difficult thing to navigate while keeping a casual tone. It is the key to survival but so many of us get it wrong.
I've also learned quite a few things about faith and it's relationship to acceptance. more on this later...
I suppose you may be able to figure out by know that this blog has been written over a span of a few days...I suppose I just couldn't bring myself to finish it because ironically, finishing it, meant fully accepting my current circumstances.
I accepted my circumstances completely when I got home three hours ago and said goodbye to him on the phone. I still see him walking through security, and I still feel his hand clenching my back when we hugged. I just can't seem to feel or see anything else at the moment...
Part of acceptance though is the brutal shock that comes with change. It get's easier, I know that, and I know that I'll feel overjoyed when I hear from him when he lands in Japan and then in Singapore. I just can't believe he isn't a phone call away, and that this weekend, after I clean out the last of his existence from his former home here, I have to say goodbye to what quickly became my second home down here in soCal. I sat in his car, which I have to sell, and I felt a little of his presence, warm and comforting, it was probably the best I've felt since he left. And then I realized that the car (hopefully) will be sold soon. When that last part of the larger physical experience is gone...I'll really have to depend on the internet and other forms of communication to be in touch with him.
Will you believe me when I say that I'm actually ok with all of this? It hurts, but that's when you know that it's the good kind of change. When you have to work so hard to get to the next step (which you know will make you happier) you know that the work your doing is good, for you and for your life. "We knew what we were getting into." I'm scared I'm going to lose count of how many times I'm going to say that when people ask how I'm doing. But it's the truth, and to be honest I'm glad for it. I walked into this amazing relationship knowing that it would be a trying one, and know I'm head over heels up to the waist in mud stuck in it, and I couldn't be happier.
I'm crying now, yes, but in five months, I'll be laughing with the one I love the most. It's all about perspective. We know what we want, and we know that to get to it, we have to work hard and that the work we'll have to do isn't easy. But we can do it. Same goal same journey different struggles, and that's ok.
If you're wondering is it worth it, then know that I fully believe it is.
If you're wondering if we're on the same page, then yes we are.
If you're wondering how we expect to maintain the passion, don't worry about it, real passion never dies, and we plan on keeping this flame hot for as long as there is heat to be felt in this world.
...and I finally stopped crying. =/
Day 1. The intermission begins.
<3samBAM