ahh the joy that is spring quarter. I have given myself a FULL plate this quarter and i hope hope hope that I will be able to handle it. I don't know what I will do when things REALLY start to get crazy, but I have full belief that I can do it. Just have to knuckle down on myself.
This quarter it will be an interesting balancing act dancing with APO and MCIA. I look forward to the experience but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. During the day I will be working MWF and have full class days on TuTh. Finding time here and there for HW is going to be critical and I'm going to HAVE to start getting things (i.e. papers and whatnot) done early. But that's fine.
Because in 11.5 weeks, I will be on a plane to go and see the boy who makes my heart do summersaults! =) The flight is booked, my passport application has been submitted so now it's all finishing touches. I'm still worried about two things that I'll have to deal with when I get there...but I think everything can be managed. =) I feel so much happier now that I know when I'll be seeing him in person again. You have no idea how much it drives me nuts to have to wake up, read an email from him and then try to fill my day with things to do so the wait til he wakes up (which is around 5pm our time) so I can speak to him again. IF the day isn't busy for me, or for him that's what it's like. This quarter will make it difficult to stick to that schedule but you know me, determined to try and more than willing to die in the process. hahaha
I know that last spring quarter, in the month before APO dance comp I was going full sprint attending MCIA practices on a normal schedule, advising at APO practices every night that I wasnt with MCIA, barely making it to class, working when I was able to squeeze it in, and interviewing with pledges. FML. The day of dance comp/after dance comp I was so worn out that I literally gave it my last push to get through dance comp and had to try to make it to the end of the quarter without completely burning out. I know I was doing too much then, and sure I have more now but now I have something much better to help me along, a strong supporting boyfriend, and the motivation that helps me accomplish impossible feats (this is the motivation that I lost a couple years back). Last spring quarter was a full sprint to the finish running on half a tank, and NOW I am running at my own pace, and I brought snacks to keep my energy up. =)
I'm funny...trying to sound all cool. hahahaha I'm jsut so excited and anxious for this quarter that I suppose I'm trying to express everything all at once and in my opinion it's translating funny.
I'll blog more this quarter abuot how I'm coping with the stress, but know that I am totally up for this challenge. Let me know if you're interested in becoming a part of spring madness! hahahaha
<3bam
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
re-inspired by the same man
i remember once again my goal in dance. i want to dance and move like him. not exactly but close. more feminine for sure, but i LOVE the general feel/groove of his pieces. this one has re-inspired how i feel about my own dancing and reinforced the positive feelings i've had about myself lately.
i love dancing. and i love that i was given the chance in college to revitalize dance in my life. i also love that my boyfriend is passionate about dance. and on top of that, he lives in the same country as one of my biggest dance idols. so this summer, you can bet, i'll be taking that class. i'm not gonna be the best, i'm probably going to be out of my box completely, but i'm going to be there and i'm going to work my ass off at it too.
<3bam
i love dancing. and i love that i was given the chance in college to revitalize dance in my life. i also love that my boyfriend is passionate about dance. and on top of that, he lives in the same country as one of my biggest dance idols. so this summer, you can bet, i'll be taking that class. i'm not gonna be the best, i'm probably going to be out of my box completely, but i'm going to be there and i'm going to work my ass off at it too.
<3bam
Sunday, March 8, 2009
two months post-departure
It took TWO MONTHS for us to hit our first snag...but it'll be ok. Time and Faith will help us triumph I know it.
There are around 12 weeks until my planned trip to Australia to visit him and I never expected to get to the halfway point and be as happy as I am. We've worked out when to communicate, how to share our time, and how to maintain this relationship so easily that I'm counting myself as blessed every night before I go to bed and every morning before I launch myself out into the world. I know that not everything in life is easy, but I've found that what makes all that hullabaloo tolerable is when some things JUST WORK.
We'll have to take our time to conquer this ... hurdle....we'll call it a hurdle because there are so many different approaches to it, and it's not like it's a massive wall. We can see our goal, we know how we want to get there, we know that we have choices to make to get there, steps to take if you will. Most importantly though, we know that whether we fall over it, the hurdle breaks, or we just clera the obstacle we'll make it through. I'm not really big on finishing first, trophies never seem to sparkle in my eyes, I just want the chance to run my life how I want to, and to be with the one I love. It'll be ok, I believe in that, and I believe in him.
I'll be going home for spring break soon, and I'm looking forward to a little respite and some quality time with my family (especially my mom). I know things will be far from calm, but I can hope for the best can't I?
It's an odd state of mind that I'm in at this exact moment. Overall I'm happy because things are going exceedingly well for me, the turn around that I was hoping for in my life has succeeded. Emotionally though I'm torn between a trauma that's been reignited, and being stronger than I think I am. How do you cope when you want to kick and scream and cry but yet you know that even the venting relief you get from that won't do you any good because you can't afford to be that emotional? Psychologically, I'm trying to convince myself that I can keep all these positive influences up and that I am the cause of my success so I have to be the one to manage it. It's hard when you feel like circumstances are constantly stacked against you and you only get by on luck, but I think this area at least I can handle on my own. Socially, simply stated, I am awkward. It's hard for me to be around too many people and yet I struggle sometimes when I am on my own with only a few close others. There is no drama to speak of, I just feel awkward...like I have trouble being entirely present...i like to think this is because my other half is halfway around the world in a very different time zone but that's me. Physically, I am weak. I have been sick for ALL of winter quarter now, and my body is having trouble maintaining enough energy throughout the week to keep me going AND to keep me alive. The cough starts out ok on monday and goes right back to deep and hacking by the time I get to thursday. I try to sleep as much as I can and I try to do my best when I eat, but nothing is helping...hopefully spring break I can make a full recovery...or at least figure out if there is some deeper medical problem.
That aside, things are going well. APO dance comp has started and at the beginning of our journey I find myself a captain for the team. I hope that my passion and commitment can help me help the team and my bros. MCIA is as amazing as ever, a family like none other in all senses of the phrase.
I do love my life, and because of that I recognize that it has to be hard. I'll smile while I work and maintain my compiosure while I play because that's how and who I am.
I'm cool with that. =)
<3samBAM
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
time: found.
So I find myself with time on my hands and no real rush to complete digest anything on my metaphorical plate and I suppose that's a good thing because I've been chewing on several ideas for a while now and it's about time I spat them out. Pardon the food dialogue, I'm experiencing the munchies. >.<
I guess the most prominent idea on my mind at the moment is growth. I've been thinking a lot about my own growth lately and I've come to see certain things about myself that I think are impressive, I mean self-confidence starts with finding something you like in yourself so in no way do I feel like this is bragging or over prideful. When we think about change for the better it often times leads us to believe that we must change in terms of leaving behind the past and moving on towards the future along a new (or somewhat new) path. I have found though, that the most recent change in myself that has shot me forward on my path towards the future is a regression towards my past along a path that I had previously left/rejected. As a simplified explanation that isn't over emotional I'll simply suggest that I have regained my previous descriptors of being "highly motivated" and "effective." Most of the people I have discussed the subject of motivation with always felt that motivation was defined in terms of what you were willing to do or try with your allotted time on earth and your reasons for doing what you did. I found myself failing to be a motivated individual under these terms as the second half of my freshmen year and my second year of college passed by and I was committed to many projects in my time but failed to find over 60% of them fully satisfying. That's not an arbitrary precent, it means to say that thus far, in my college career that is, I have only felt fully satisfied that 40% of the work I have done has been entirely satisfying after post-analysis and thought were completed. But now, I find myself reborn almost into the motivation that I felt as a high school junior and senior, that is, constantly striving for even more to complete in my time and committing myself in capacities that are more aspiring than reality may allow for. But I find that I am more satisfied with these efforts than I have been in the past two years. The fruits of my newest labors are finally as sweet as I know they should be. It's an odd thing to explain I suppose but my so called "regression" has helped me relaunch myself forward towards my dream.
I have also encountered growth in terms of others/groups and I suppose this has been one of the meatier concepts that I've had to chew. (Yes I'm still hungry) I have had discussions with very many people about the growth of certain individuals/groups/organizations/friendships/areas and throughout all of these I noticed that I encounter a lot of cynicism because things nowadays hardly line up with ideals that were instituted in previous (and thus different) time-frames. The thing that underlies many of the cynical comments seems ironic almost in a sense because people would rather be cynical to a fault rather than address where their cynicism is coming from and there is hardly ever discussion on whether or not the cynicism is founded/well-biased or even worth bringing into the current dialogue of things based on it's historical nature. Basically, people are afraid of two things a) things that are different b) being the primary object deigned as old/outdated and I suppose this dichotomy makes "far of change" slightly more suitable for dialogue. People are afraid of things that do not line up with what they believe or know to be true because they do not how to INTERACT with that which is not defined. Human culture dictates that we have POWER over nature's phenomena because we can define nature and the phenomena that exist within nature and proceed to interact with nature within these definitions. For example, you would be afraid if someone told you that the oceans were become fresh-water instead of salt-water. Why would you be afraid? Simply because you would not know how to deal with the concept of the majority of our planet consisting of fresh instead of salt water. Too obscure? Then how about this, suppose someone told you that your organization too aloof and informal. You as a socialized being in this organization would feel upset, and need to be convinced of the idea that your current sense of organization is not good enough. Why would this disparity exist and why is it that it may not even be worth it to discuss this with those proposing the new idea? Because your ideals of the organization were set during a time when the organization was structured in a way that was still efficient for the organizational body's needs. That is to say, the way things were being run when you were introduced to teh organization was well suited to the demographic and social makeup of the people within the organization at the time. When the demographic and social makeup of the organization changes, it may not be up to par with the updated statistics and thus would be viewed as inadequate. I suppose my idea of a solution for this is to consider the fact that in organizations that intend to exist for prolonged periods of time it is wrong to be cynical of change that is going on within the structure of the organization because the organization itself must become lifelike and mature. I don't think that proposing to keep the former structures simply because they are already instituted is ever the right way to go. I'm a fan of constant manipulations, because things at one point in time are literally as good as they get at that one point in time. You have to take into consideration a cross-sectional analysis of your situation EVEN if you're problem is longitudinal. (If you don't understand that it's probably because of my failure to come up with a concrete example, I don't wish to higlight anyones comments or any organizations particulars which is why I have been as vague as possible).
Another concept with which I have been struggling is the correlation between commitment and sacrifice. Although the two seem to be of disconnected families of thought, I argue that the two are twins under the same parenting situations. Commitment is engaging in an activity in a proactive way. Sacrifice is engaging in an activity in a passive way, it is a sense both proactive and retroactive. Commitment is taking a spot in a group. Sacrifice is giving up a spot, or the idea of taking a spot so that someone else may in habit it. Sacrifice creates the means for commitment, while commitment leads to the terms of sacrifice. Vicious cycle? Hardly. I find sacrifice to be as beautiful as commitment, however it is too negatively connoted to be a sad departure previous states of being for most people to appreciate it. People are either afraid of sacrifice, shy away from it, or speak harshly of those who commit it. I'm always under the impression that people occupy the spaces they are most suited for at any given point in time, and that time brings everyone to positions in which they are meant to fill. I hope that more people can embrace the idea of sacrifice as well as they have embraced the idea of commitment. By this I mean saying no to certain situations for others or the GROUPS benefit rather than your own even if you end up gaining somehow, and seeing sacrifice as means to a deeper form of commitment. This deeper commitment being the commitment to an ideal rather than to a space.
Assuming that you've read all that you're probably feeling a little curious as to why I've been thinking about these things and no doubt you even have your suspicions for the particular situations I hold these thoughts in reference to. That is, may I politely remind you, ONLY your interpretation and should you want your ideas confirmed or negated I am more than open and willing to dialogue with you about this. Please do not assume what I am referring to and then attempt to dialogue with me that way, it's kind of rude to enter into a conversation assuming that you already understand the person you are communicating with and thus you are demanding an explanation for why that person believes what they do. Quite simply, you wouldn't want to be "assumed" by someone else so please take that into consideration.
That's all for today/now.
Time has found me with the same efficiency that I have found myself.
<3samBAM
I guess the most prominent idea on my mind at the moment is growth. I've been thinking a lot about my own growth lately and I've come to see certain things about myself that I think are impressive, I mean self-confidence starts with finding something you like in yourself so in no way do I feel like this is bragging or over prideful. When we think about change for the better it often times leads us to believe that we must change in terms of leaving behind the past and moving on towards the future along a new (or somewhat new) path. I have found though, that the most recent change in myself that has shot me forward on my path towards the future is a regression towards my past along a path that I had previously left/rejected. As a simplified explanation that isn't over emotional I'll simply suggest that I have regained my previous descriptors of being "highly motivated" and "effective." Most of the people I have discussed the subject of motivation with always felt that motivation was defined in terms of what you were willing to do or try with your allotted time on earth and your reasons for doing what you did. I found myself failing to be a motivated individual under these terms as the second half of my freshmen year and my second year of college passed by and I was committed to many projects in my time but failed to find over 60% of them fully satisfying. That's not an arbitrary precent, it means to say that thus far, in my college career that is, I have only felt fully satisfied that 40% of the work I have done has been entirely satisfying after post-analysis and thought were completed. But now, I find myself reborn almost into the motivation that I felt as a high school junior and senior, that is, constantly striving for even more to complete in my time and committing myself in capacities that are more aspiring than reality may allow for. But I find that I am more satisfied with these efforts than I have been in the past two years. The fruits of my newest labors are finally as sweet as I know they should be. It's an odd thing to explain I suppose but my so called "regression" has helped me relaunch myself forward towards my dream.
I have also encountered growth in terms of others/groups and I suppose this has been one of the meatier concepts that I've had to chew. (Yes I'm still hungry) I have had discussions with very many people about the growth of certain individuals/groups/organizations/friendships/areas and throughout all of these I noticed that I encounter a lot of cynicism because things nowadays hardly line up with ideals that were instituted in previous (and thus different) time-frames. The thing that underlies many of the cynical comments seems ironic almost in a sense because people would rather be cynical to a fault rather than address where their cynicism is coming from and there is hardly ever discussion on whether or not the cynicism is founded/well-biased or even worth bringing into the current dialogue of things based on it's historical nature. Basically, people are afraid of two things a) things that are different b) being the primary object deigned as old/outdated and I suppose this dichotomy makes "far of change" slightly more suitable for dialogue. People are afraid of things that do not line up with what they believe or know to be true because they do not how to INTERACT with that which is not defined. Human culture dictates that we have POWER over nature's phenomena because we can define nature and the phenomena that exist within nature and proceed to interact with nature within these definitions. For example, you would be afraid if someone told you that the oceans were become fresh-water instead of salt-water. Why would you be afraid? Simply because you would not know how to deal with the concept of the majority of our planet consisting of fresh instead of salt water. Too obscure? Then how about this, suppose someone told you that your organization too aloof and informal. You as a socialized being in this organization would feel upset, and need to be convinced of the idea that your current sense of organization is not good enough. Why would this disparity exist and why is it that it may not even be worth it to discuss this with those proposing the new idea? Because your ideals of the organization were set during a time when the organization was structured in a way that was still efficient for the organizational body's needs. That is to say, the way things were being run when you were introduced to teh organization was well suited to the demographic and social makeup of the people within the organization at the time. When the demographic and social makeup of the organization changes, it may not be up to par with the updated statistics and thus would be viewed as inadequate. I suppose my idea of a solution for this is to consider the fact that in organizations that intend to exist for prolonged periods of time it is wrong to be cynical of change that is going on within the structure of the organization because the organization itself must become lifelike and mature. I don't think that proposing to keep the former structures simply because they are already instituted is ever the right way to go. I'm a fan of constant manipulations, because things at one point in time are literally as good as they get at that one point in time. You have to take into consideration a cross-sectional analysis of your situation EVEN if you're problem is longitudinal. (If you don't understand that it's probably because of my failure to come up with a concrete example, I don't wish to higlight anyones comments or any organizations particulars which is why I have been as vague as possible).
Another concept with which I have been struggling is the correlation between commitment and sacrifice. Although the two seem to be of disconnected families of thought, I argue that the two are twins under the same parenting situations. Commitment is engaging in an activity in a proactive way. Sacrifice is engaging in an activity in a passive way, it is a sense both proactive and retroactive. Commitment is taking a spot in a group. Sacrifice is giving up a spot, or the idea of taking a spot so that someone else may in habit it. Sacrifice creates the means for commitment, while commitment leads to the terms of sacrifice. Vicious cycle? Hardly. I find sacrifice to be as beautiful as commitment, however it is too negatively connoted to be a sad departure previous states of being for most people to appreciate it. People are either afraid of sacrifice, shy away from it, or speak harshly of those who commit it. I'm always under the impression that people occupy the spaces they are most suited for at any given point in time, and that time brings everyone to positions in which they are meant to fill. I hope that more people can embrace the idea of sacrifice as well as they have embraced the idea of commitment. By this I mean saying no to certain situations for others or the GROUPS benefit rather than your own even if you end up gaining somehow, and seeing sacrifice as means to a deeper form of commitment. This deeper commitment being the commitment to an ideal rather than to a space.
Assuming that you've read all that you're probably feeling a little curious as to why I've been thinking about these things and no doubt you even have your suspicions for the particular situations I hold these thoughts in reference to. That is, may I politely remind you, ONLY your interpretation and should you want your ideas confirmed or negated I am more than open and willing to dialogue with you about this. Please do not assume what I am referring to and then attempt to dialogue with me that way, it's kind of rude to enter into a conversation assuming that you already understand the person you are communicating with and thus you are demanding an explanation for why that person believes what they do. Quite simply, you wouldn't want to be "assumed" by someone else so please take that into consideration.
That's all for today/now.
Time has found me with the same efficiency that I have found myself.
<3samBAM