playlist...

every now and then i like to post playlists of songs that really resonate with me at the moment.


here's my playlist of the day:

caught up - teedra moses
i'm yours - jason mraz
fast car - the dream
no labels - kris mark
diamond girl - ryan leslie
summertime - beyonce
dear life - kris mark (cover)
common, simple, beautiful - jen chung
purple kisses - the dream
banana pancakes - jack johnson


mmm i think that's it for now.


onto things im craving:
-a new t-shirt dunno why
-WAFFLES
-chocolate chip pancakes
-tiramisu or chocolate silk pie
-massages
-organizing (LOL)
-my first pair of high top dunks...the grey and pink and white ones keep calling to me...sigh

sigh. we'll see if i can manage to get some of this since i've suddenly had to place myself on a really tight budget...>.<

what a twist!

So when summer started out I remember having a semi-pessimistic idea of how my summer would turn out, and I took on a really apathetic attitude towards this normally exciting time of year. I enjoyed the first half of my summer, don't doubt taht, but I was so apathetic towards everything that I wasn't really having as much fun as I know summer requires. Luckily that's changed.


It's so funny to think that in less than a month my summer has done a complete 180 and now I'm finding that there are hardly enough hours in the day for me to get through everything that I want to. I'm having issues sleeping again, but if that is the consequence I have to handle in order to be as happy as I am right now then I really don't mind. That can be fixed later. Haha.

I find myself comparing my happiness right now and my situation right now to last year's standards. It's weird that last year at this time I was doing practically the same thing only I wasn't as excited about everything, I guess that shows how much of my guard I've been able to let down since then.

Welcome week practices start tonight...my God I am excited. =)

Ahhh and now I have to make my way to class. I suppose I can finish this later. til then...


<3BAM

good day.

=)

a little bit of cleaning now. awesome day though. =)

mmmm =)

"all things just keep getting better."


Isn't that the truth. Today started off with a huge smile on my face that honestly hasn't gone away since I woke up. A bittersweet moment hit me a little while ago though, I found out my bestfriend (from middle school) lost her grandmother today. It wasn't a horrible experience as death can often be, rather all of us (her family included) feel that it's best that she's not in pain and with her husband (who passed 4 years ago this past aug 8th) again. I remember when he passed, I was given the pleasure of interviewing him for my 8th grade project and all I could think at his service was "thank you for letting me into your life." My thoughts and prayers are truly with the Feliciano family right now. They took me in and whenever I was able to see them after I moved away from Millbrae it always felt as if I had never left.

Grandpa F was a sweet man and his wife was equally so. I pray that they've found their eternal peace.

I know that today will stay as beautiful and serene as it is now, because of the vibe that I feel in the air. I really am in an amazing state of mind right now and thank God for it with all my heart.

There's something beautifully simple in feeling a little silly and giddy. For my exact emotions listen to No Labels by Kris Mark. My babe did an awesome job with this track and I've honestly listened to it nonstop on repeat since he sent it to me. =) I'm glad I was able to help with the magic of this track, even though it was a really miniscule little bit I feel special. =P

Oh and last night was awesome. Haha =)

<3bam =)

a good day.

a genuine good day.

FINALLY.

=)

Days like these and smiles like the one I'm wearing now don't come along everyday. But my goodness when they do finally come around it's well worth the wait.

As always, a theme song is flowing through my mind right now and it's been my theme song for the past week and a half. Rainbow by South Border to be exact.

I'm just going to post the lyrics here and highlight the parts that are speaking to me right now. If you can listen to the song, it's gorgeous. =)

Fallin' out, fallin' in
Nothings sure in this world, no no
Breaking down, breaking in
Never knowing what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all, no no

Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we could never understand
Why some things begin with just love
We can never have it all
No no no ohh

But oh, can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so baby just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

Hittin' high, hittin' low
Win or lose, you should go
Yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather can be so good or bad
But baby, this is life so don't get mad
No no no

Cause ohhh
Can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so, baby, just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me

Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me ?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

Life's full of challenges
Not all the time
We get what we want
But don't despair, my dear
You'll take it each trial
And you'll make it through the storm
Cause youre strong
My faith in you is clear
So I say once again
This world's beautiful
Let us celebrate life
That is so beautiful
So beautiful...

Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

<3 bam =")

home sweet home

There's something all too special about the bay. When I entered the area two days ago, I literally felt my spirits rise and I've been in a much cheerier mood than usual. While that could be attributed to something else I'll say for now that being home is the main reason that I've been so happy this weekend. Yes, my house is full to the max, and Yes I didn't have much time to hang out with friends but my God I didn't realize how much I really needed to come home to recharge. I guess I've gotten so caught up with my life in Irvine that I'd forgotten the support a family can provide you with by just being around.

I remember when my mom left me in Irvine at the beginning of summer I cried a little after I dropped her off at the airport. I mean I've spent so much time away from home that it's not really about being homesick anymore, but I cried because I was losing this amazing sense of comfort that my mom brings into my life. She's the rock of my family, and everyone knows it. I'm glad that I can do my best to not put anymore stress onher shoulders and offer her some kind of relief in this hectic household.

I'll be heading back to Irvine in about three hours and yes I am looking forward to it, that is after all where I've decided to establish myself for the next few years at least. But I know how badly I will miss my family and the bay when I get back. A lot of things about the bay are taken for granted by the people who have never left the area. For instance, anyone from NorCal whose decided to educate themselves in SoCal will tell you that the atmosphere and general attitudes of people in the Bay tend to be much more relaxed and accepting than those in SoCal. I suppose the best way to describe it (in my opinion of course) is that there are less superficial expectations placed on the general population in NorCal than in SoCal. To be blunt about it, not everyone in NorCal is out to be a star because you have to admit that a lot of people in SoCal are caught up in the luxurious life of the numerous celebrities who unfortunately inhabit the area. I really don't like people who are so caught up in their material possessions that they don't even see how fake they are being about their actual selves. Outside objects don't define a person guys, it's your own actions and beliefs that do and perhaps some people need to spend some time reevaluating the main focus of their lives and attention spans.

On that note, something that's been bugging me that I just needed to get out. This is for the people who ALWAYS have to explain themselves and their actions by saying "i'm just joking" or "that's not how I really am/think/feel." Here's a little bit of truth that you need to just own up to, if you are CONSTANTLY explaining your actions and excusing yourself for them in the belief that there is a second person hidden within in you who doesn't truly believe in the actions you've taken. There is no second person because the actions you take everyday, on a consistent basis ARE who you are. Attempting to hide behind this excuse that within you there is someone more is just one way of showing the world that you are afraid and are willing to sacrifice your beliefs because of pressure to conform. People may make fun of me every now and then when I hold firm to what I believe but at least I don't have to lie to myself about who I am. I am the same person day in and day out and that's something I hope will never change. Stop running from who you are and just be it. SO many people worry about fitting in, well here's a thought be who you're meant to be and a proper niche for you will appear that or you can create one for yourself. =)

I suppose that's all for now. I'll miss the bay but I am looking forward to being in my own space again. See you soon Irvine. =)

<3bam

john mayer kind of mood...

"they love to tell you, stay inside the lines.."

I find myself thinking a lot lately about the different ways that I've felt boxed in either by the image that other people have of me (which causes for some upsetting expectations) or by the limitations I've placed on myself by not feeling fully comfortable revealing all of my self to whomever is around me. It;s interesting to me that I cannot blame other people entirely for feeling pressured and that I know to blame myself for my situation. I remember telling a few of my bestfriends a little while back that I felt like I was having trouble being myself down here simply because there isn't really anyone down here anymore who's seen most of my personality and at least shown me that they accept it. I still feel a little uncomfortable but I'm forcing myself out of this stupid shell I've hidden under because it really isn't like me to be so secluded.


that and I miss the feeling of close company.


"but something's better on the other side..."


And so I am pushing myself to do at least one thing that is provign challenging. I've grown so comfortable in this shabby little bubble of a social life that I've built up for myself but why should I let myself be comfortable. Doesn't change and growth come best from struggle. How weird am I that I force myself into a struggle? I suppose it's an appropriate thing to do for someone who hardly ever has personal drama and belittles the drama of the everyday world. I know though that I could plateau right now and feel comfortable for a while but I don't want that. I want better things to come and sooner so I guess pushing myself is one way of achieving that.

I'm failing to make enough sense to myself to feel fully convinced that that's why I'm putting myself through hell. But for now it'll do. More contemplation later.


i need something slightly more intellectual to blog about, I find myself itching to write...and yet have no inspiration.

<3bam

something different...

so to change the tone a bit...which is kinda weird...i guess im going to be a little random =)

being sick for the past two days has kind of been a shock that shows me how much i need to work on taking care of myself and say no to certain things.

waking up three times last night drenched in sweat was not fun, but i knew it had to happen if i was going to be able to perform today, and i was able to so thats good.

the inner conflict i was formerly feeling about tomorrow has been dispelled. plans are staying the way they are.

i cannot wait to live in my new place. i really can't wait. all i can say is whoooo my room has a balcony and i can only hope i'll have cell service since i love talking on the phone outside. i suppose i could look into investing in a house phone but we'll see about that.

mmm first credit card bill - PAID. yummy feeling on the inside.

pride and perjudice is playing. i love this movie. a lot.

my birthdays in just about a month....what the hell am i going to do? blah like i care. if i just hang out with people ill prolly be fine. i've come to expect very little on my birthdays! haha and thats not at all a sad thing for me.

still miss slow dancing but i suppose nothing can truly be done about that.

my favorite scene in pride and prejudice is coming up. i cannot wait. i wish that the present could be as elegant as the past. i really prefer that sort of atmosphere i suppose.

this top that ayla gave me is kinda big, but its comfy.


siiiigh...we'll see how long this'll keep up. i don't tailor my words to fit a certain cause and i find it kind of rude to ask me to censor myself but i understand. i suppose i'll either refuse to make available my blog to specific individuals, or i'll leave out one aspect of my life entirely from my blogs. hmmmm


yeah i don't like feeling like i'm fenced in here.

<3bam