pause.

You know that odd suspended characteristic that movies take on when you hit the pause button in the middle of a scene? I feel as if someone has hit the pause button on my emotions at the moment. I'm capable of feeling happy, capable of feeling anxious and yet, I force myself not to be sad, as if I know it will come and I'm not so much bracing myself for it as prolonging it for when it's more appropriate.

The last final is out of the way, as is the last essay and the clock is ticking in my ear with the most resounding tones I've ever heard. You think about your life at the little pauses you get in between the big events, the five seconds of your life story in which you get to breathe and take a look around you before someone hits play and you're right back in the action again. I suppose I can say that I saw this coming, and we all know what lies ahead of us when we walk into these kinds of situations, but I find the battle to hold onto the pause button growing harder and harder to stabilize. Part of me wants to fast forward to get to a point where I won't have to worry about this situation and to the part where I get to be happy with the one thing I want. But that part of me realizes what comes with it, and that's whats holding the button down.

What wants to let go? The part of me that wants to tell the world that I'm ok before anything's even had the chance to impact me. That's the part of myself that I'm truly afraid of. That's where the fear comes from. Part of me wanting to leap into the unknown and let the world have at me, and part of me wanting to just get to the comfortable part.

My life's never been one smooth road, now there have been potholes and speedbumps all along the way. But I'm grateful for it. I know a true high from a real low, and I have to say that they are altogether the same at their most basic description. This doesn't go so far as to say that life is monotone, rather that I know deep down that I have nothing to fear which is why I go on. Which is why I bother. Which is why I allow myself to pause for a second. I know I'm not missing anything and I know that there's everything to miss.

Ahh...dualities.

Less than a month and counting. It will be ok.

<3bam

tying it all together...and sealing it with a kiss

As 2008 comes to a close I guess I'm thinking about how I'll remember this year and I suppose I'll remember it as the year I realized I'm closer to growing up than I thought. The year brought many joys, along with many sorrows and many adventures in between. I've felt myself tugged in many directions and absorbed into many situations but I'm still standing strong and I can honestly say I believe in myself a lot more than I did before.

I remember at the beginning of the year I was having trouble motivating and staying ahead of things, but I find myself back in the loop and helping it circle this little world we all live in. I feel more connected with myself and the parts of me that had been locked away for somewhat silly reasons. A lot of change has happened for me and I've been put on trial for aspects of my personality that had gone unchallenged for so long but I plan on sticking to who I am and staying true.

Thinking about change makes me think about the problems that I've faced this year, many of them are problems that I envisioned myself facing later on in life, but lo and behold life waits for no one. I think I've grown from my experiences and I've learned to let things by that can't be helped and to hold on to what I truly cherish. Of course, there are certain things that people want me to let go of, but that just gets filed under "well why do I have to live my life by your standards and beliefs while you claim mine are inadequate for you" in my book. I know who I am and what I'm doing as an active member of my world and I think that if we can all just trust one another to get our own personal lives in order then the rest will follow through when we come together in our various relationships and groups.

I worry about certain things like my impending long distance relationship, possible graduation, finding a job that will allow me to stay above water in this economy, paying off my debts, and my role in the groups which I'm a part of. However, one of the biggest changes I've made to myself in this past year is to control my worrying. I've always been one to automatically envision the worst possible outcome of a situation and prepare for it, but I was helped along to realize that while worrying I was missing out on a lot of the world that I love so much. So the progress I've made to not worry so much and be more action and positive oriented is very encouraging as the new year approaches.

I feel as if I've entered into one of my limbo stages where I'm not quite sure how I fit in socially because I've undergone some changes, but I know that like all my past phases, this too shall pass. Lol. Silly little joke there. Anyways, I know this is early but I really can't help but think about my year as so many things wind down to a close. It's ridiculous really the amount of life that I've experienced to the fullest in this past year. I really feel as if 2008 came in leaps and bounds rather than sliding and sailing and I'm glad for it. Of course it's been a terrible year for me healthwise (which is partially why I'm terrified of getting my tonsils out in the next two weeks) but I'm hoping next year will bring me better luck.

Highlights:

-Falling in love with MCIA over and over again despite the struggles that I've been through finding my place on the team. I really do believe we all fit into the family and add a little spice into the family as long as we allow each other to share fully who we are. It's a process but I enjoy seeing everyone come together and create a new unified whole. Melting pots and cosmopolitans for the win.

-Moving out of campus oriented living and into a space that's unique and really home. I don't think of my house in vallejo as home anymore for two reasons 1) i've never lived there as the longest i've ever been in the house at one time was two weeks 2) there is no space for me there as all my other siblings are currently residing there. Therefore I see this "grove" as my home, and the first step towards my impending (oooh there is that word again!) independence. It's a small step but it's a greatly appreciated one. I really couldn't ask for a better living situation.

-Helping out my fraternity through my love of dance and my appreciation of brotherhood was probably one of the BEST parts of my year. Sure it meant an all nighter with the team and then staying up to work on papers with andrew, and then not getting any real sleep before the competition itself but my God it was worth it. I'm a sucker for emotion and I cried when we won and after the team performed cause I saw the immediate effect of hard work that was only encouraged by myself and a few others turn into a huge success. JiggaRho has so much to be proud of. My passions finally came together when JiggaRho allowed me to come into their practices and help them out. I got to serve my brothers, help my friends, and dance ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Also I got to work on my leadership skills and they were in need of some honing but JiggaRho was nice enough to let me help and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I would write more but I think those experiences are still working into my system and I know that they will be brought up later so there's no rush really. Sigh. A year well spent.

<3bam

dancing through life...

"Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through life"

Lately I have been pushing for some (until recently) unknown reason to be much more than I ever have been. To get over this awkward and seemingly apathetic phase has been a goal of mine for some time now so to feel as if I'm making some progress is nice. I'm still quite far from my goals and probably have pushed myself farther, but that's alright.

It's funny how the people in my life have influenced me so much. I've really gotten over my fears of letting people in so that I can really learn what everyone has to teach and appreciate the fullness of everyone's existence. For every aspect of my life that I feel I need to improve on I know at least two people in my life who are shining examples of what I hope to one day personify. Explaining who and what would take too long and I wouldn't want these people (who do what they do on a regular basis) to start acting differently because of something I point out in them but know that every person who is close to me right now is having a profound influence on me.

Facing a long distance relationship is I think reawakening the sharpness I once held in regards to the reality of my life. That sharpness has been lacking lately, and I have felt the consequences of this loss very deeply. My hope is that I can grasp reality as firmly as I did before and regain the deeply held motivation that I used to embody. Somehow, with the way things are going now, I feel as if that is truly possible.

Looking forward to one's future while fearing it at the same time is about as real as existence gets in my mind. Having something to look forward to is the epitome of hope and experiencing fear implies that there are things that I would not want to lose and that there is room for improvement. I'm so thankful for this awakening.

Here's to getting back on track with the help of those who love you day in and day out. =)

<3sami

p.s. 2 months left...

let it sit...

let it wait a little while. let it rise. let it settle.

so many things to wait for and so little time to use to prolong the waiting.

it'll come as all things in time do.

i'm just praying that life will be kind. it already has been bringing you to me. and God willing it'll continue to be kind.

i'm hopeful.
hopeful for my new team. hopeful for my family. hopeful (even though this is pretty bleak) with my job. hopeful with my life in general. i'm a little bit closer to figuring out what I want, at least I think I am. I'm just scared.

fear's alright though. one of those emotions that reminds us of our humanity.

=)

<3bam

disturbia...

literally disturbed. anxious. nervous even.

but fighting to be optimistic because everything can and will be ok.

just have to get through this little time period...

post mid-term

i've come to realize how pointless it all is.


and yet my one ray of happiness shines through.


good stuff.


back to life, back to reality.


Amazing how time flies by and into your hands the world falls. All around you cascading rhythms of life are beating. Pulsing. Begging you to join in with them. But which one do you pick?

Which path do you choose?


and in the end, who will be there beside you?


<3bam

hey so...

...i believe in you.


=)

off to a rough start...

this weekend is going to be awesome, it's just off to a rough start. more on that later.


stuff that i need to update on:
-picking up a lil
-new camera
-workshops
-hair ideas
-sick time
-work

(so I don't forget what I wanted to write about later)

well I'm in lab right now waiting to take a quiz that probably won't even take that long to take, like honestly, this class is a waste. oh well. I shall see you on the other side of a beautiful weekend.

<3samBAM

the arguments one has with oneself...

When you're sitting there with that puzzled look on your face, and there's not a sound to be heard in your general vicinity we all know what you're doing. Confusing yourself so that you'll have something to think about for the next few minutes of your life. Breaking down your world so that you have something to build up again. You can sit there and argue and discuss all you like but where do you really end up?

I wonder sometimes if it's worth it to question myself and to question what I've believed in. Do I really end up moving on? Do I push myself further back? No idea. I like to believe that I move forward in my thoughts but you never know if you really get somewhere.

I keep thinking about the same things over and over these days and I suppose this blog is meant to recognize that. I don't think I want to publish those things but I think that it's interesting to look at how I've been analyzing my life.

Most of the time I'm thinking about these select few things without pause. I wonder why I feel certain things about these topics and wonder if I can deal with the root of these feelings rather than just the symptoms. We shall see though.

It's all very confuddled in my head...and I know this makes little to no sense but then again when does the world ever come at us with a whole page of information filled from top to bottom.


I lost my train of thought...oh well. back to this idea later...

<3bam

not to be presumptuous...

but they tell you when you know...you just know...

they insist that when it's hits you...you know it...

and yet they tell you you're usually too blind to see it...and too stupid to appreciate it...

i'm thinking it's the former and gonna work to keep it from becoming the latter.

but that's just me. we'll see.

<3bam

summer 2008...who knew?!?

summer 2008 was a SHOCKER. really though I never would've guessed what kind of summer I was on the way when school ended back in June it's insane.

First off, lemme start by saying I never thought I would end up with a roomie as unique (in that she is amazingly caring, thoughtful, and inspiring) as Diana. =) What started as a simple "stay over since you got locked out and it's easier for me not to have to go pick you up again" ended up as "ROOMIE I MISS YOU!" From shopping to partying to COOKING (yeah I know right?! me cooking...wteff) we had some gooooood times this summer. And looking back at it 60% of my summer happiness came from time spent with D. Before this summer we were tight, bay girls from the start (her info night) and dancers to the core. Now I know I've got another homegirl whose got my back and I've got someone I can run to when I need to be held down. Lol as funny as it sounds it's also comforting that there's someone who SHOPS MORE THAN ME! I know that once things started picking up for me I ended up devoting less time to this friendship but I think this summer laid the foundation for something that will only continue to grow, and I'm grateful for that. It's funny how life rewards you when you put yourself out there for a friend.

Also this summer was the first time that I took summer classess ALL SUMMER. Note to self: sumemr is for taking a break, don't ever do that again...=(. My first class was alright but my goodness, it's hard to concentrate during summer. I know that taking my writing class during the summer was a smart idea and believe me it was a good class with a good timeline, but my second class (stats) was a joke. Gah...now I understand why people hate summer classes. last summer it wasn't too bad when I took two classes in one session and they were back to back but having a schedule like I did, on top of working almost every morning for (what I consider a lame amount of time) 2 hours, wore me out and made me feel stressed during summer, what's usually my only break.

Ohhh so summer set, I have to talk about summer set. This summer MCIA had it's first summer performances and I have to say it was interesting practicing during the summer on OLD pieces and NOT for welcome week. Haha good stuff though. Welcome week practices and showcase were amazing too. bonding, letting the epsilons in on the little bit of all love that's extra special in our hearts, watching to see the little signs of improvement we've all made...sigh good stuff.

And then my latest adventure...and adventure really is the right word for it. I liked him before but I never thought that he would like me back, and goodness knows he never seemed to respond to any of my approaches. Lol it's funny how I know now how UNBELIEVABLY OBLIVIOUS he is. And I mean oblivious to it's utmost extent...sigh. It's funny, when you finally realize you can have what you want and enjoy all of it you kind of don't know what to do with yourself. He makes me feel that way. Makes me feel like I won't need anything else, well besides what I already have (as in Friends, Family, Team, Bro's and now him). It's weird feeling this whole feeling complete thing. I'll admit that there's quite a bit to adjust to, certain things that really are new and different for me (that category does still exist thanks), but it really doesn't seem hard to adjust at all. I sit here and think about it and yeah I'm scared about when he leaves, but I'm ok with it. I see how challenging it could be and I see how hard it will be when either of us is in need but I believe in him. He's a hardworker my babe, and a strong believer. I couldn't ask for better. =)

Mmmmm also this summer BOTH of my nephews celebrated their first birthdays. I was only able to attend a party for the first one but I can't believe that the next generation of my family is already well on it's way in this world. Crazy to think that I'm not that far off from joining my cousins...the ones who are established, engaged, married, working, moving away, and all that sort of thing. I don't know how I feel about that...now that I think about it. I want to think that everything will be ok that everything will fall into place...but we'll see...

Have I mentioned that I've also found a best friend in my dear babe Kris Mark. =) I could write a whoooole lot about how awesome he's been but I'm sure that if i just tell you that he's the first person i hope to im when i get online, on my top five text list for when something brand new happens to me, and inspirational beyond any words when it comes to the terms passion and art you'll understand how important a friend he's become to me. =)

My new home, the grove is also something worth noting. A new home, a real home, somewhere I can feel comfortable, somewhere I can take care of, and a place that I can love alongside my other roommates. Jen did an awesome job when she picked our new home, and her sense of responsibility as well as her accountability assure me that this is a good growing place for both of us. I'm getting used to sharing a room again, but I like sharing with Erika. Sharing space with someone who has her act together is sooooooooo refreshing. =) I love my roomies, and I love the grove. Spending more time with kirby is also nice.

Sigh, this summer, I chased after romance, relocated, said hello to new family, re-educated myself on the terms of friendship, and so much more. From the trips to the fair, late night movie marathons, random shoppingt rips, foodruns in the middle of the night, and tons of hours devoted to birthday fun I've re-learned what it takes for me to have fun and smile. Everyone needs a little refresher course in their own life sometimes. This summer was a good step back for me and a FUN and AMAZING jump forward.

I wish I could sound more inspirational right now and more composed but I'm going through one of those messy phases right now. One of those delightful time periods where everything just got thrown up the air and now I have to watch as it all falls and slowly sort everything as it falls in front of me. I don't use falling to imply that things are getting worse I'm simply trying to say that since life how I last had it arranged wasn't working out I'm now trying a new arrangement that isn't planned it's just forming as I live from day to day. Waking up grateful, going to sleep content, it's a nice change.


<3bam

let's just be...

i really love that song by miguel. pretty encompasses anything and everything that i'd rather be doing. hahahaha

i know thats horrible but forgive me my guilty pleasure aka leisure while i still have summer to bask in it.


<3 bam

p.s. love you babe. =)

confused...forgive me while i figure this out...

are we meant to give of a proper image of ourselves or are we meant to force people to get to know us?

is it really so hard to maintain an open mind about the people we encounter or are we so blinded by our own needs that at first glance all we see is either good or bad with nothing left to improve upon?


that's too harsh, and that's not it...

i'm so frustrated having to force myself to once again just suck it up and overcome this SAME fucking situation. i don't get it. i really don't. it's never that way when we reverse the situation...yet for me...it's always the same. sometimes i hate how i appear simply because it doesnt always align with how i feel, think or behave. i hate being told that i'm intimidating but "wow you're actually really nice when i get to know you."

i know people mean well when they say that, and it's great to know that i've gotten through to someone...but imagine how you would feel if everytime it was like that...if everytime you got close to someone you found out that if you hadnt pushed for it...they wouldn't have given you a second glance...

yes i know there are exceptions, people who are so open and loving that i automatically feel comfortable and i am ever so grateful for you all (you should know who you are). it's people like you that remind me that it's worth it to stay true to my identity because people will recognize it. sigh.

i know that sounds so different from everything i was writing before but i'm really torn right now. torn between this feeling of sadness that yet again i've been misinterpreted and have to fight a first impression gone wrong and this feeling of strength that comes from the fact that i've been through this so many times that i know i can do it.

something else that bugs me about this...people who won't let me complain...you know theres nothing wrong with admitting that you have problems to deal with when you know deep down in your heart as well as withinyour mind that you're going to deal with them.and i dont mean you PLAN on doing something about these problems i mean you KNOW you're going to fix them. what the hell is wrong with admitting that you have something to overcome? and why do we have to downplay our struggles in order to seem satisfied?!? i don't want to be satisfied i want to be completely happy and fulfilled. so i'll be damned if i have to hold my tongue the next time im saying something is wrong and someone tells me to stop complaining. if i was one of those people who never took care of their problems then fine i'd be ok with having to shut up to make you feel more secure but you know i always deal with whatever is thrown my way and part of it comes from fully admitting and being ok with the fact that i have shit to deal with. i dont like taking FOREVER to figure out whats wrong, figure it out, admit it and FIX IT. nothing is wrong with that so can people please stop telling me to change how i've daelt with everything that i've ever overcome...please?


i'm really confused as to what i should be feeling right now...sad, determined, annoyed, unmoved?

i'll keep pushing though...like i always do, i was kinda hoping for a break but it's ok i guess. you grow more when you have to overcome more right? so it's a good thing?

yeah..i'll try to stick with that for now i guess...i'm really not myself right now...sorry...

-bam

what a week. =)

wow...just wow...this week was...a BLUR.

i left of friday night by simply saying that my parents arrived in socal safely and met and loved my charming babe. =) Saturday was so much fun which basically means it was the perfect follow up to friday night. I woke up pretty early, babe came over, and me and D and rhonda started packing/cleaning what was left in my apt. When my parentals finally got there I had enough packed for a quick trip to my new place while my mom finished up some cleaning. We were out of there by 1 I believe.

It was bitersweet leaving norte. The place where I finally had my own space and finally felt like I had the freedom to live on my own isn't mine anymore. But that's ok, learning to let go is always a vital lesson. I know I'll miss the times I spent in my apartment after I began to appreciate it's homelike qualities. But I am quite happy to let go of a space that holds so many memories in favor of starting anew. Goodbye 28526 I hope the next person treats you as well as we did.

Anyways, after moving the last of my belongings into my new place my parents, des, and I went to CURRY HOUSE for a bite to eat. It was really awesome seeing him open up to them and watching my mom thoroughly enjoy a new kind of food experience. My dad found des' super bubbly super hot soup really interesting. That was kinda cute. Afterwards we headed over to ikea to meet D and Rhonda to help them out and to shop for my BED. We took our time strolling through ikea, getting ideas and having a little bit of fun dreaming about what we hope for future rooms and what not. It took a little while to pick out a mattress but I already knew what bedframe I was getting (coincidentally its the full size version of jen's twin size bed) so that part was pretty speedy.

Now me being the usual silly person that I am, the whole fun family girl image had to start snapping back into alignment with reality and I had a totaly pig moment when I stuffed a large portion of my cinammon roll into my mouth. It was kinda funny to see des and my mom react in exactly the same way, with mouths hanging open and eyes full of disbelief that I fit that whole piece in my mouth and didn't bother to chew. Haha...oh boy.


Anyways after we dropped off D and Rhonda's stuff we headed back to my place to tackle the next challenge...assembling my bed!! I put on happy feet for my mom so she would have something to do while we were working, and we set out to assemble my full sized comfort zone. It went smoothly...until ikea decided to have us try to install something on the BOTTOM of the frame....i was quite frustrated...but it came out alright and I'm loving the bed I'm sleeping on now (well sitting on at the moment). Afterwards we went to TGIF for dinner and had AWESOME conversation. =)

SUUUNDAY...I was on my own with my parents fora little while, at target, mervyns and lowe's to pick up some last minute things for my new place. And sadly, they had to leave that day. We hung out at my place for a little bit before they decided to start heading home, and des rushed to get here before they left (which was really sweet and pretty much secured his invitation to my place for thanksgiving). I was sad after my parents left, I love seeing them relax and feel like their work is appreciated. Sigh.

mmmm....I suppose I'll save the blog about my birthday and the rest of this week for another time...I don't feel like I should write anymore, need to let this one sit a bit ya know? Haha...

Hmm an ending note...I suppose I'll end by admitting that this is in fact the happiest I have been in quite some time, and I'm so glad life surprised me with this sudden burst of contentment when it did. Props big guy, good call. =)

oh and...I'm meeting his family tomorrow...I can only hope it goes as well as his intro to my fam and pray that it doesn't turn into my last encounter with well..you know...=/ but I"M OPTIMISTIC! I can't help it...he makes me so happy...=)

<3bam

happiness.

my parents are here. they approve. of the place and the boy.

and i'm happy. really truly happy.

=)

thank God.

mmmmm i'm going to sleep now, grateful for this world that i'm living in. tomorrow night, i start a new adventure with my first night at the grove. i cannot wait! =)


<3bam

thank you.

If I tagged you on fb and asked you to come read my blog then I have a big thank you that I really just wanted to get to you. =)

Kris Mark- Babe, I really don't know how it happened but I'm honestly blessed to have you as a friend, a best-friend in my opinion. You honestly know whenever something is up with me, and I swear we share the same brain sometimes...sorry if it's dysfunctional and what not but hey it work smost of the time. =P I hope you know that in my perfect future you make it in the big time AND you maintain your sense of self and your sweet sense of humility. This past summer you've really helped me out and whether or not you know it I'm unbelievably grateful for it. Your music makes me smile like no other, and our jokes and conversations are often highlights of my day. I'm only going to say this once, but I owe you a song, as in me singing, at least once in my life, so save it for a good occasion and try not to embarass me mmk? And in case you didn't get that, I'll sing for you ONCE as long as you're nice about it.

Diana aka Baby Girl - I remember you saying that you never would've expected us to be as close as we are now, or even have lived together but I can honestly say that there is no one else that I would rather have spent my summer with. You helped me break out of my anti-social low and feel like I wanted to be around people again rather than hiding by my lonesome like im used to. I've founda confidant in you, and someone who shares the same idea of home as I do, and living far from home like we do, I find that very comforting. I'm going to be sad as well when I won't get to call you roomie anymore. I really think we make one heck of a team and I hope that continues to be true for as long as possible because you're a ride or die for sure.

Mihir aka Twin Cubed- You sir are REMARKABLE. Never before has anyone been on the same level as me AND been so damn open about it from the start of it all as you. Everytime something happens to me, I already know that you're going to be looking out for me and checking up on me, and I already know I can trust you with my life. We talk so often and yet in both of our hectic lives we struggle to find time to actually be in each others company but I hope you know that should you ever need me to be by your side at a moments notice, I really am just a phone call away. Everything that I have ever confided to you I can trust will stay with you, and you give me your honest opinion even if it differs from mine (which isn't often since we're so alike). I'm glad I got you as a twin, and I'm glad that we'll be "stuck" with each other. lol. Thank you twin for always being one of the first to check up on me, and for staying as close as possible at all times. That means the world to me, and I hope one day I'll get the chance to show you how big of a deal that really is to me.

Czareine aka HOMEGIRL - Babe this is so long overdue, infact pretty much a year over due but thank you thank you thank you for always being right there when I needed you to be, and for holding me down like no other. You inspire me to be bold and to be brave even when you're not around or haven't been around in a while. Last year and ever since we became close, you've done such an amazing job at being my homegirl that I can honestly say you're a ride or die and mean it with full effect. I remember you once saying that you looked up to me as a big sister at times, but it's funny because often I look up to you as an ate. =) I'm glad you aren't leaving my life yet to go join the big bad real world, and I'm grateful beyond words for the fact that you are so involved in my life.

Isa - I don't know if you know it, but I owe you for reminding me about something this summer. Somehow, through our sharing of odd pasttimes, and through the efforts that we've made to stay in contact despite the distance you've helped remind me of how important family needs to be in my life. I feel like having you to connect to since we're at the same stage in our lives has really made me feel like I have more of a part in maintaining my family relationships than before. I really hope that as a family we're doing all that we need to in order to show you we care and that you're stuck with us =P. Hahaha I guess what i'm trying to get at is I LOVE YOU COUS!!! =)

Jenevieve aka ROOMIE-COOLASSMUTHAFUCKA - I am so excited to be living with you for at least the next year, this is seriously a big step for me and I'm glad that I get to share this experience with you. We've been through so much, and now we get to go through even more, YAY! I really can't believe how lucky I am to have someone as stable, reliable, trustworthy and strong as you in my life as a close friend. I can only hope that living together brings us closer. Thank you so much for coming up with a plan and finding us a beautiful home. =) As always you did your best and it shows. I'm looking forward to relaxing in my room while listening to you play away on your keyboard. Balin babes for life, forrealzies. =)

Desmond - This is probably going to seem ridiculously short compared to all the other one's I've written but I just really wanted to say thank you. Thank you for proving me wrong when I believed that I couldn't open up and let someone into my life for a while. The butterflies, smiles, hugs, and comfort that we've just begun to share show are the highlight of my life at the moment. You're amazing baby, really. =)

MCIA - I know I didn't tag everyone to read this, but I'm hoping that some of you will have read this and know that no matter what happens this coming year, MCIA will always be my first real family in soCal. Because of this team, I have been able to grow and keep growing in so many new and unusual ways. Thank you for being my high point, my low point, my strength and my challenge. There is no other group of people that holds a special place in my heart like you do. =) All love, Always.

*Long exhale* Mmmm that's about it for now, but I still have many more things on my mind that I'll probably blog about later so stay tuned, the updates I mentioned in my last entry are still on the way. I just really felt like at a high point in my life, I needed to remember why I feel so happy and show that I am grateful for all the work that other people have put into my life (whether or not they realize it). This is hardly an exhaustive list of the people that I need to thank for my current state of well being but it's a beautiful start, at least I like to think so.

<3bam!

moving!!

im moving, relocating, transitioning....hahahaha and IM EXCITED!!! my new home is tentatively called "the Grove" and I have to say I am quite excited with the idea that this time next week that will be my home. =)

Let me try to describe my new home. When you open the door to "the Grove" to your immediate left are stairs leading up to the second level (but we'll deal with that area in a bit) and to your right and slightly ahead of you is a bathroom with an EXCELLENT mirror. Directly ahead of you after you enter is the kitchen (which has a beautifully massive fridge and adorable gast stove aaaand washer and dryer =) ) to the left of the kitchen across the bar, is the living room + dining room area which is HUGE and basically takes up 75% of the first level. With a small patio out back and sliding doors that double as mirrors (because dancers love reflective surfaces) this room is going to be fun to chill in.

Now on to the second level. After climbing the stairs, directly ahead of you is the master bedroom which I will be occupying along with erika! We have a small balcony attached to our room that is just over the patio and overlooks a cut elittle waterfall ensemble. Our room has two closets arranged around a short hallway that leads to the upstairs bathroom. The bathroom (which has the most adorable little storage spaces) is sandwiched neatly between the two bedrooms upstairs. Down the hall from the master bedroom is the second bedroom which is occupied by the lovely jenevieve. She has a wall to wall closet with mirror doors and a cute little set up going on in there. AND THATS THE GROVE!!!! =)

I would say that right now I am around 40% moved. I'm trying to move things over in phases so that come this weekend my transition into my new home will be smooth and I won't have to spend a whole day unpacking and arranging while my parents are down here to help me and bring furniture for me. =) It's also because it's the weekend right before my birthday and I wasn't home for my birthday last year so I'm really glad that my parents will be down here. =)

I'm also really glad that will get to meet my charming australian boy. =) That should be FUN! =D

Man this is such an interesting end of summer...like seriously...it's like all the excitement meant for summer was saved for the ending third of my summer. Hahaha oh life, you're a FUNNY betch...

Anyways, I'm going to attempt to rest now (haha thats possible right). More updates on the moving situation, the boy, the family, the dancing, and the BIRTHDAY to come in following posts. =)

here's to being happy. Thank you God.

<3bam!

note to self...[updated]

choreo possibilities:

say my name - destiny's child
livin a lie - the dream feat rihanna
tell me what you want - mase
get on my hype - messy marv

u and ur hand remix - pink

(list not complete)

=)

<3bam

playlist...

every now and then i like to post playlists of songs that really resonate with me at the moment.


here's my playlist of the day:

caught up - teedra moses
i'm yours - jason mraz
fast car - the dream
no labels - kris mark
diamond girl - ryan leslie
summertime - beyonce
dear life - kris mark (cover)
common, simple, beautiful - jen chung
purple kisses - the dream
banana pancakes - jack johnson


mmm i think that's it for now.


onto things im craving:
-a new t-shirt dunno why
-WAFFLES
-chocolate chip pancakes
-tiramisu or chocolate silk pie
-massages
-organizing (LOL)
-my first pair of high top dunks...the grey and pink and white ones keep calling to me...sigh

sigh. we'll see if i can manage to get some of this since i've suddenly had to place myself on a really tight budget...>.<

what a twist!

So when summer started out I remember having a semi-pessimistic idea of how my summer would turn out, and I took on a really apathetic attitude towards this normally exciting time of year. I enjoyed the first half of my summer, don't doubt taht, but I was so apathetic towards everything that I wasn't really having as much fun as I know summer requires. Luckily that's changed.


It's so funny to think that in less than a month my summer has done a complete 180 and now I'm finding that there are hardly enough hours in the day for me to get through everything that I want to. I'm having issues sleeping again, but if that is the consequence I have to handle in order to be as happy as I am right now then I really don't mind. That can be fixed later. Haha.

I find myself comparing my happiness right now and my situation right now to last year's standards. It's weird that last year at this time I was doing practically the same thing only I wasn't as excited about everything, I guess that shows how much of my guard I've been able to let down since then.

Welcome week practices start tonight...my God I am excited. =)

Ahhh and now I have to make my way to class. I suppose I can finish this later. til then...


<3BAM

good day.

=)

a little bit of cleaning now. awesome day though. =)

mmmm =)

"all things just keep getting better."


Isn't that the truth. Today started off with a huge smile on my face that honestly hasn't gone away since I woke up. A bittersweet moment hit me a little while ago though, I found out my bestfriend (from middle school) lost her grandmother today. It wasn't a horrible experience as death can often be, rather all of us (her family included) feel that it's best that she's not in pain and with her husband (who passed 4 years ago this past aug 8th) again. I remember when he passed, I was given the pleasure of interviewing him for my 8th grade project and all I could think at his service was "thank you for letting me into your life." My thoughts and prayers are truly with the Feliciano family right now. They took me in and whenever I was able to see them after I moved away from Millbrae it always felt as if I had never left.

Grandpa F was a sweet man and his wife was equally so. I pray that they've found their eternal peace.

I know that today will stay as beautiful and serene as it is now, because of the vibe that I feel in the air. I really am in an amazing state of mind right now and thank God for it with all my heart.

There's something beautifully simple in feeling a little silly and giddy. For my exact emotions listen to No Labels by Kris Mark. My babe did an awesome job with this track and I've honestly listened to it nonstop on repeat since he sent it to me. =) I'm glad I was able to help with the magic of this track, even though it was a really miniscule little bit I feel special. =P

Oh and last night was awesome. Haha =)

<3bam =)

a good day.

a genuine good day.

FINALLY.

=)

Days like these and smiles like the one I'm wearing now don't come along everyday. But my goodness when they do finally come around it's well worth the wait.

As always, a theme song is flowing through my mind right now and it's been my theme song for the past week and a half. Rainbow by South Border to be exact.

I'm just going to post the lyrics here and highlight the parts that are speaking to me right now. If you can listen to the song, it's gorgeous. =)

Fallin' out, fallin' in
Nothings sure in this world, no no
Breaking down, breaking in
Never knowing what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all, no no

Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we could never understand
Why some things begin with just love
We can never have it all
No no no ohh

But oh, can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so baby just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me

Take a little time baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

Hittin' high, hittin' low
Win or lose, you should go
Yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather can be so good or bad
But baby, this is life so don't get mad
No no no

Cause ohhh
Can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so, baby, just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me

Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me ?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

Life's full of challenges
Not all the time
We get what we want
But don't despair, my dear
You'll take it each trial
And you'll make it through the storm
Cause youre strong
My faith in you is clear
So I say once again
This world's beautiful
Let us celebrate life
That is so beautiful
So beautiful...

Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain

<3 bam =")

home sweet home

There's something all too special about the bay. When I entered the area two days ago, I literally felt my spirits rise and I've been in a much cheerier mood than usual. While that could be attributed to something else I'll say for now that being home is the main reason that I've been so happy this weekend. Yes, my house is full to the max, and Yes I didn't have much time to hang out with friends but my God I didn't realize how much I really needed to come home to recharge. I guess I've gotten so caught up with my life in Irvine that I'd forgotten the support a family can provide you with by just being around.

I remember when my mom left me in Irvine at the beginning of summer I cried a little after I dropped her off at the airport. I mean I've spent so much time away from home that it's not really about being homesick anymore, but I cried because I was losing this amazing sense of comfort that my mom brings into my life. She's the rock of my family, and everyone knows it. I'm glad that I can do my best to not put anymore stress onher shoulders and offer her some kind of relief in this hectic household.

I'll be heading back to Irvine in about three hours and yes I am looking forward to it, that is after all where I've decided to establish myself for the next few years at least. But I know how badly I will miss my family and the bay when I get back. A lot of things about the bay are taken for granted by the people who have never left the area. For instance, anyone from NorCal whose decided to educate themselves in SoCal will tell you that the atmosphere and general attitudes of people in the Bay tend to be much more relaxed and accepting than those in SoCal. I suppose the best way to describe it (in my opinion of course) is that there are less superficial expectations placed on the general population in NorCal than in SoCal. To be blunt about it, not everyone in NorCal is out to be a star because you have to admit that a lot of people in SoCal are caught up in the luxurious life of the numerous celebrities who unfortunately inhabit the area. I really don't like people who are so caught up in their material possessions that they don't even see how fake they are being about their actual selves. Outside objects don't define a person guys, it's your own actions and beliefs that do and perhaps some people need to spend some time reevaluating the main focus of their lives and attention spans.

On that note, something that's been bugging me that I just needed to get out. This is for the people who ALWAYS have to explain themselves and their actions by saying "i'm just joking" or "that's not how I really am/think/feel." Here's a little bit of truth that you need to just own up to, if you are CONSTANTLY explaining your actions and excusing yourself for them in the belief that there is a second person hidden within in you who doesn't truly believe in the actions you've taken. There is no second person because the actions you take everyday, on a consistent basis ARE who you are. Attempting to hide behind this excuse that within you there is someone more is just one way of showing the world that you are afraid and are willing to sacrifice your beliefs because of pressure to conform. People may make fun of me every now and then when I hold firm to what I believe but at least I don't have to lie to myself about who I am. I am the same person day in and day out and that's something I hope will never change. Stop running from who you are and just be it. SO many people worry about fitting in, well here's a thought be who you're meant to be and a proper niche for you will appear that or you can create one for yourself. =)

I suppose that's all for now. I'll miss the bay but I am looking forward to being in my own space again. See you soon Irvine. =)

<3bam

john mayer kind of mood...

"they love to tell you, stay inside the lines.."

I find myself thinking a lot lately about the different ways that I've felt boxed in either by the image that other people have of me (which causes for some upsetting expectations) or by the limitations I've placed on myself by not feeling fully comfortable revealing all of my self to whomever is around me. It;s interesting to me that I cannot blame other people entirely for feeling pressured and that I know to blame myself for my situation. I remember telling a few of my bestfriends a little while back that I felt like I was having trouble being myself down here simply because there isn't really anyone down here anymore who's seen most of my personality and at least shown me that they accept it. I still feel a little uncomfortable but I'm forcing myself out of this stupid shell I've hidden under because it really isn't like me to be so secluded.


that and I miss the feeling of close company.


"but something's better on the other side..."


And so I am pushing myself to do at least one thing that is provign challenging. I've grown so comfortable in this shabby little bubble of a social life that I've built up for myself but why should I let myself be comfortable. Doesn't change and growth come best from struggle. How weird am I that I force myself into a struggle? I suppose it's an appropriate thing to do for someone who hardly ever has personal drama and belittles the drama of the everyday world. I know though that I could plateau right now and feel comfortable for a while but I don't want that. I want better things to come and sooner so I guess pushing myself is one way of achieving that.

I'm failing to make enough sense to myself to feel fully convinced that that's why I'm putting myself through hell. But for now it'll do. More contemplation later.


i need something slightly more intellectual to blog about, I find myself itching to write...and yet have no inspiration.

<3bam

something different...

so to change the tone a bit...which is kinda weird...i guess im going to be a little random =)

being sick for the past two days has kind of been a shock that shows me how much i need to work on taking care of myself and say no to certain things.

waking up three times last night drenched in sweat was not fun, but i knew it had to happen if i was going to be able to perform today, and i was able to so thats good.

the inner conflict i was formerly feeling about tomorrow has been dispelled. plans are staying the way they are.

i cannot wait to live in my new place. i really can't wait. all i can say is whoooo my room has a balcony and i can only hope i'll have cell service since i love talking on the phone outside. i suppose i could look into investing in a house phone but we'll see about that.

mmm first credit card bill - PAID. yummy feeling on the inside.

pride and perjudice is playing. i love this movie. a lot.

my birthdays in just about a month....what the hell am i going to do? blah like i care. if i just hang out with people ill prolly be fine. i've come to expect very little on my birthdays! haha and thats not at all a sad thing for me.

still miss slow dancing but i suppose nothing can truly be done about that.

my favorite scene in pride and prejudice is coming up. i cannot wait. i wish that the present could be as elegant as the past. i really prefer that sort of atmosphere i suppose.

this top that ayla gave me is kinda big, but its comfy.


siiiigh...we'll see how long this'll keep up. i don't tailor my words to fit a certain cause and i find it kind of rude to ask me to censor myself but i understand. i suppose i'll either refuse to make available my blog to specific individuals, or i'll leave out one aspect of my life entirely from my blogs. hmmmm


yeah i don't like feeling like i'm fenced in here.

<3bam

prepare for bluntness.

It's weird having couples (and this many of them) on team. (Told you to prepare for bluntness.)


The team dynamic has an extra little bit added onto it now, and as if we didn't have the issue of tiny cliques that would form up every now and then, now we have to factor in these special little relationships that are pretty exclusive in and of themselves. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for people's happiness and I know it makes sense that people with like interests would meet through a shared interest group but wow, I never thought there would be this much of it.

I like that people are opening up to each other and putting so much into the team that they've managed to find a little to keep for themselves. I'm really happy too for the people who are involved.


But I gotta say, bringing it into the team atmosphere, particularly during practice is starting to get to me. From little favors, nicknames, miniature displays of PDA (now mind you the only form I'm really ok with is either holding hands or hugging), always looking for your partner, and other people not in the relationship constantly saying "oh awkward" (if pairs that are made for routines dont match up to outside ones) or "awww how cute". I do not think that an in-team relationship is going to work if you can't separate your professionalism from your private life. I know we're all family, but think about that. Being family menas respecting each other and loving each other. I think a big part of that is keeping teammates and significant others separate when the FAMILY is together. I don't wanna think about my little brother dating my sister. That's WEIRD.

Now I know pretty much all of you are assuming that I'm saying this because I'm single. I'm not bitter, jealous, or resentful. Like I said, I'm happy for the couples. I just really think that relationships, even within the team, should be left OUTSIDE of practice. It's not right to create a bubble for yourself and someone else at times when you're supposed to be sharing in the team spirit.

I know I haven't really dispelled most of your thoughts that I am simply envious but that's on you. Think about the bigger picture for once that DOESNT actually revolve around one person (most people can't really make that jump and it's ok) and you'll start to understand where I'm coming from. I'm watching my family change, and for the most part I'm coming to terms with the changes, but there really are a few things I have to put my foot down about and this is one of them.

<3BAM

falling apart or keeping it together?

who needs a half empty half filled cup to confuse them, i can't figure out if i'm having a good week or not....


i'm dealing with a car accident that shouldn't be stressing me out anymore, worrying about stuff back home, still not feeling confident about my gpa, lack of confidence in certain areas of my life, a phone that's about two inches from death, a disgusting picture that i just saw, random bouts of loneliness, and definitely not eating or sleeping right....


but i'm also celebrating the completion of a 17 page paper that i feel good about, awesome weather, the strength of my immediate family, awesome friendships that have just recently blossomed, a more comfortable living scene in my apt, a change in the start time of my work shifts, and an increase in good habits on my part overall...


i really can't figure out if i'm more positive or more negative right now and its kinda messing with me.


overall the quality of life that i'm experiencing and living day to day has gone up, but i still feel weighed down and incomplete. it's weird, but then again i'm living a life that's pretty much new to me.


then again aren't we all? isn't that all we ever do when we wake up? another day closer to life means a whole new experience to endure. hmmm thats a blog for a darker day when i'm feeling more eloquent. that essay drained me.


for now i suppose i'll leave you with this:

a proposed solution to the problem of social security in the future has been proposed. it states that upon reaching retirement age the baby boomers should committ mass suicide.

i agree.


<3samBAM


p.s. think about the message before you call me a freak for saying that.

on the topic of driving.

some things i really think people need to think about before they get behind the wheel:

1. DRIVING is VERY different from OPERATING a vehicle. learn the difference.

2. You cannot always have your way so you need to learn how to share, stopping for a minute is not going to kill you. Don't worry wherever you're going will still be there even if you get there late.

3. Don't assume that every driver out there is going to know your entire agenda, so signal, yield, and act accordingly because the road isn't yours alone.

4. Men aren't better drivers, they just make more fuss about being allowed to move around at 60 mph, and liking the grease and oil the absorb when they're allowed to fiddle around with thousands of dollars worth of machinery.

5. Girls are not worse drivers, however femininity is seen as a weakness and rather than admit that men could make the same mistake because their also human, people would rather say that because a human was born with a specific set of reproductive organs they are less able to operate a vehicle. lets remember that studies show that women are mroe capable of multitasking then men.

6. Pictures never lie, especially when it comes to traffic incidents.

7. For every action there is a reaction, therefore road rage does not pay off.


That said, when you come into conflict with someone over a car/driving/road related issue, be mature about it, don't point fingers and remember that you both (or all depending on the size of the group involved) are human and cannot possibly be perfect therefore are both (or all) are at fault.


sigh.


(note: originally posted on my facebook, but spreading due to increasing positive response.)

what the hell.

most good things always start off as too good to be true. i hope that i can get past this little mess up.

i was optimistic, now i'm just going to be cautious, and maybe a little difficult.

a much needed break...

WOOO! I did not expect summer to pick like that, but wow. I'm totally tired right now, sitting around relaxing all day made me lose some of my stamina. I'll get it back though.

Practices have started and so far, there are a few things that are going well, and a few things that appear as if theyre going to need work. Usually a strong united front is the first impression you want to give...and right now, well i'll say that i'm not impressed. But there's still plenty of learning time. I just hope people know that learning is only good if you eventually start to practice what you've learned.

I'm totally sore from practice, my bodies not used to being that active anymore. I was hella dizzy at practice last night, but i think that may be because I used a lot of energy swimming and felt really tired after the jacuzzi. sigh. oh well.

a few things are starting to shape up as far as plans go, dark knight premier tomorrow, the beach on saturday, OC fair with MCIA next weekend, shopping =), a haircut and good ol chill time.

you know when you wake up and nothing bothers you, weighs you down, and you feell like "all good" has so much more meaning to it? yeah tahts my life lately, and i LOOOVE it. although I wish i did get more sleep...hahahahahahahaha I've always had trouble sleeping though, that's what i get for having a screwed up schedule in the first place.

work's not too bad, class is going well (even though I didn't go today), and all in all I think that this summer is shaping up to be pretty darn good.

mad thanks to dp, jeff, andrew, and mcia for keeping it real and helping me relax this summer.


<3BAM!

mmmm and the future unfolds....

So as we looked at future homes today I couldn't help but think about how happy I am about how my life is unfolding. The thought of having a place that wasn't organized for student use, that we found on our own is really satisfying for me. I cannot wait to put time and effort into our place to have a real HOME. And I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to have Jen as a roommate. My balin babe, delta slut, and TLC girl...and now ROOMIES!!! =D

Such an upgrade from the person I assumed would be a delight to room with this year. BTW she needs to come clean up the mess she made. Nineteen years old and mommy is still wiping her ass. (metaphorically).

Anyways, in thinking about the future I also realized that I'm ecstatic about practice starting up tomorrow, I've missed doing something that made me feel accomplished and productive. I know that at some point I'm going to have to give up dancing as much as I do now in order to focus. I also know that I'll never fully give up on dancing either. I just know that I'm sticking with it, and with the team while I can.

I've also been thinking about this summer. I never really made any predictions about what this summer would be like and I only made a few goals for myself over the summer but it's never too late to have hope. =)

Some things I'd like to accomplish this summer:
-To see the sunset from a beach other than huntington, laguna, and corona del mar. =)
-Go clubbing at 2 new places at least.
-Try an activity that I've always wanted to: sky diving or something like it, doesn't have to be as extreme.
-Find a new pedicure place here in soCal.
-Choreo at least 2 pieces.
-Buy some people whom I've grown to like presents. =)
-Find a reason to dress up for a nice dinner.
-Figure out if I'm going to be able to watch Musiq Soulchild for my birthday...I don't wanna go alone but I don't know if I can afford the tickets I want. =/
-Save up to buy myself a new camera so I can take pictures like I used to! Woohoo for 200 pictures from one event!! haha i don't think I can break that record...


Well yeah, I guess I'll update this list if stuff get's crossed off or if I think of anything else I may need to accomplish.

For this week the only things on my schedule so far are:
-Time with sonic, sri i've been mia the past few days.
-SHOPPING.
-Time with Tiffy.
-Time with Mel.
-Practice for MCIA. =D
-Work + class
-half my paper needs to be done

Mmmm I guess the last thing I want to mention concerning the future is that I've been really happy in the past couple of days. And I owe it to a great little group of people, and someone whose kinda growing on me. Haha. The days are looking up as long as I've got you guys and I feel like summer won't be a bust if we can keep up what we've got. I hope things only get better and we get closer. =)

TTFN!
<3BAM

slightly bouncy

and a little bit silly in the head but overall i'm happy.

good stuff. =)

results.

=D

letting people in was a good idea, i love that there is a stable group of people in my life who get where i'm coming from, know when to take me seriously, and when to delve a little deeper to see whats really getting to me.

mmm summer's finally looking up. which is kinda weird for me to say since i didn't really set any expectations for this summer, i just kinda figured that things would go at worst, okay. =) haha

progress is a process, it takes time. i like that. seeing changes is so much better than just suddenly realizing them.

mmm...yay. hahaha

=P

<3BAM

fresh.

i dunno why the eff it took me this long to hit myself upside the head and realize this.

but i obviously have people that care enough about me to check in regularly and not take me for granted and they're the ones who I should be reflecting off of. damnet i love you guys.

not saying the rest of the people in my life aren't awesome, but some understand me more than others right now and its prolly best if i work with them right now.

a co-worker walked by about half an hour ago and asked me how my day was going. i said great.

to him it was idle conversation, to me, it was an accomplishment.

now to tidy up the edges....

<3BAM!

im sick of.

people who are convince they know everyones whole story when they haven't even asked.

people who swear friends and yet leave other people in the dust.

people who make it seem like you were never even there. i think that one hurts the most.

feeling like this. so i'm going to get through it on my own. without the things that seem like they're supposed to do some good but wouldn't help anyways. in my own way, in my own time, but completely. i won't let the reversal be complete. no half-assing.

im at work and ill be here for another 2.5 hours and thats fine. the weather outside is how i feel on the inside. kinda whatevers. but that can be fixed at least. bring on the weather, cause it'll be fine.


<3bam

letting go.

of the frustration is coming along nicely.

but the loss of respect and the hurt of being lied to will take much longer to heal. but i have people around me whom i can trust still and whom i can have faith in when i'm working through this new conflict.

no more half assed bullshit.

patience.

time fixes all the hurts.

and it soothes the anger and frustration.

time. patience. working on it.

decisions decisions...

In thinking about what I want right now, I still really want to choreo. =) I cannot pick a song though...I'm not feeling anything too slow right now and I want something with an interesting beat so here are some of my options so far, feel free to let me know if any of these jumps out at you as just being particularly awesome because in my mind they're all sick songs to dance to.


(in no particular order)
1. Livin a Lie - The Dream feat Rihanna
2. Fast Car - The Dream
3. Lifetime - Usher
4. Closer - NeYo
5. Wall to wall - Chris Brown



mmm I kinda got rid of a few as I was about to write them up there. interestingly enough the songs that I have been listening to a lot lately are:

Livin a Lie - The dream feat rihanna, fast car - the dream, something special - usher, closer - ne-yo, don't stop the music - rihanna, so much betta - janet jackson (thats the in your face jam), rock-a-bye - black buddafly.

Thank God for good music. lol and maybe sonic a little. haha not.

There are little bits and pieces of songs that really stand out to me, i'd point them out but then it would be horribly obvious what I'm thinking and since when have I ever been obvious in my blogs. lol.

Contrary to popular belief I like being immersed in music and solitude rather than being out and about. But being social is more fun, so I kick myself out of my comfy bed or off my comfy couch every now and then when the companies worth it.

Speaking of furniture...I need a new place to live already cause I'm way over this VDC nonsense. I feel like I've lived here too long and that I need to get out and live in a real apt, away from the bs that takes place in this area cause of peoples immaturity. That's coming along well I like to think though, at the earliest I'll be out of here by July 20. haha

Today will be a good day, yesterdays in the past and thats where its staying. Betch.

Mmmmm parctice starts up again soon, I'm dying with anticipation.

<3BAM

last blog of the day. i swear.

i've been blogging a lot today and it's helped me sort through my thoughts and emotions. this is going to be the last blog of the day because i've come to a point where i've got a few things to say and i just want them done.

to a certain someone,

All you wanted was to communicate, so I did my best to accomodate. "I don't want to lose our friendship" I can't believe those words anymore, not after the treatment I've been given. The fact of the matter is there was one smal decency you could've done me, and you couldn't even have enough respect for me to tell me the news yourself. I would've told you myself rather than have you find out on your own through a stupid website that likes to update people on everything all on its own. All the things you've chastised me for, and all the things you made me feel guilty for you're now guilty of comitting. Funny how happiness can almost seem wrong isn't it? I don't want to dislike you as much as I do right now but how can I help it? Trust was never an issue between us, but you've lost what little faith I had left in you. I do wish you happiness, contrary to what other people seem to think, i just want it to be real. For all I know it could be real it could be fake, but that's just it isn't it, I don't really know anything at all. You had the opportunity to fill me in, at least a little on what was going on and you passed it up. That was your choice, and I know you have your reasons. Note for the future, the harder road in that situation may have been the better one in the long run. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you for a while, my respect for you has been torn a little bit. I do hope though that you find your happiness, and that you can face any challenges that stand in your path with the strength I know you haven't discovered yet inyourself but I always knew was there. You'll do great.

to a few disreputable others,

when i turned to you for comfort and all you had was judgement to pass on me, you lost a lot of the faith i had built up in you. all i wanted was to point out my discomforts and to show that i was concerned, but you all took it as me trying to interfere or me refusing to let go. well here's a little something you should know, i want him to be happy and i don't give a shit that there's someone new, only that it happened so fast. don't give me crap for being concerned, and don't think that i'll fit into the neat little boxes that you all so kindly tried to fit me into. i never stop caring or wanting the best for my friends so assuming that i'm trying to pursue my own ends in someone elses life which i know i have no right to meddle in lest it be for their own good is BULLSHIT on your part. i am far more disappointed in you than in the situation above because when i needed you, you shot me down, hurt me further than i was already hurting and acted as if you were the wiser. stop assuming you know whats going through a persons head when they ask you for help and actually listen to what they're saying. it's not hard to tune in.


that's it.

<3bam

mmmm one more thing.

if its possible for me to hate, then i suppose that this disgusting feeling within me is hatred and its aimed towards a certain someone.

above all i hate being lied to when i give every opportunity for honesty.

thats all.

a new space.

a new space for my thoughts because i felt betrayed by those who were reading my last blog. all i ask when you read is that you take into account that this is my space of expression and that while you may have your own opinion about what i have written ultimately no one actually has the right to ask me to edit myself. and also, no one has the right to use my words against me.

for a while now, I've felt like my last blog was being turned against me. like I couldn't write anything without someone attacking me because they thought i shouldn't have written it or because they thought i was wrong. well guess what, it's my blog. so those people can go find their own space to express their opinions and guess what I'll read them but I'll respect their space.

respect: something that has been missing from my life for a while now. from family, majority of my friends, some of the team, quite a number of my brothers and even those that i held closest to me. all I really ask for is that you take my feelings into account like I would take yours into account when our lives are at intersection with each other, is that really hard? you don't have to act on them but shit, a little consideration would be better than nothing. and for once could someone please take my actions into context...if I'm upset hell yes I'm going to overreact, but my god overreacting on your part will not help.

right now, i really need some sense of stability in my life because too much of it feels fluid. everything i do seems to float on a cloud of doubt. and everything i think, i end up questioning about five minutes later. i went from feeling like i had everyone to turn to, to feeling like everyone is kind of turning in a different direction than me for a little bit.

i have faith that everything will spin back into place, but what am i supposed to do until then?

the options are slowly laying themselves out for me, but when i think about it, i don't really feel as if any of them are right. most people have been giving me the advice of going with the flow and letting it happen, ultimately that's all we ever do it's just convincing myself that's what I'm doing that is the problem.

i feel a lot of pain right now, mentally. A lot of the things I was sure of have been washed away with the tides of summer.

for the most part, i would say i feel betrayed. betrayed by myself and by others. i did a good job letting people in, and letting myself feel comfortable but i forgot to set my limits so that i could still be comfortable should something go wrong. in my life, I've had maybe three or four people who I've let in completely and they haven't let me down. I love them for that. I wish that I could say more followed this trend.

I think I should try to end this on something of a good note, since it's my first serious post on this new blog. I guess I'm going to say that from here on out I'm not going to let people think that they can use my words against me. We're all entitled to our expressions, this is going to be mine please don't pollute that.

<3bam

thinking about it.

i really needed somewhere new to express myself. and here it is. more on why later.

luv,
bam