I know that in my last blog I said I would update my thoughts and feelings about vibe however as I am still digesting those thoughts and feelings I think that can wait for another day. Instead there are quite a few things I've felt like blogging about that I guess I'm going to use this rare moment to breathe to express.
Thinking about what I just typed I realize that it really isn't rare in my life anymore that I stop to "smell the roses." Ever since I met Des (and yes you can make that as corny and romantic as you'd like) I've learned how to slow down amidst this crazy hectic life we live and just appreciate what is around you, the good and the bad. This has led me to countless opportunities in which I have simply taken the bad with the good and come out of frustrating situations feeling as if I was silly to have been frustrated in the first place. Which goes to say a lot of my old life has been proven wrong in the past five months, a fate which I am eternally grateful for.
Five months is such a short time, and yet, I feel as if years were compressed into those five months. In five months time I will see Des again, and even though we'll have spent more time apart than together since we entered into this relationship, we'll be all the more stronger for it. A lot of couples who get to spend most of their time within physical proximity encounter the problem of "the comfort zone" and I will admit that not having this problem, and having overcome it in the four months we were blessed with, is nothing short of awesome. I never have to hold back from saying something or doing something out of character for fear that it will disrupt the normal "flow" of things because it's normal for us to push each other around (in a strictly metaphorical way) and end up holding (in this case psychologically) each other more passionately than before. There is nothing I cannot say, there is nothing he feels he has to hide, and we communicate so completely and thoroughly that it scares me that three weeks have already gone by.
I've lost my old ambitions yes, but the new ones that I have gained promise to be much more fruitful, enjoyable, and fulfilling than the old. Before I used to fear my future, and I would try to channel that fear into motivation. Perhaps my former lack of concern for my future or my former inability to conceive of it as my imminent present COMBINED with my means of self-motivation is what caused me to lose focus, and basically lose the will to do well. I was doing things half-heartedly and only accomplishing goals with a mind for the present. In a cliche I suppose this is a sense of renewal for me, or maybe I've managed to stumble upon the way I was meant to do thing all along, and now I'm hobbling along trying to catch up to my potential. I'm ok with that though, no more fear for motivation and no more "settling" for certain attained goals.
Another thing that has changed in me is my need for noise. Halfway through last year half of the regular noise (in the soundtrack to my life if you will) was silenced and in the eery silences that I've come to know so well, I realize that noise is quite possibly the second most taken for granted thing in the world (it is second physically to air and second conceptually to love). It denotes existence, and relationship to the world and the bigger and smaller components that surround you. Not having people around, not making any noise myself has shown me how small I am and how important others are. Save for the waterfall outside my porch the most common noise in the grove is the sound of my fingers flutting across the keyboard (while kirby snores). I love it when my roomz is home, even more when her bfriend is, and when the roomz i share a room with is home its even better. I used to cringe at being outside in public areas for too long because after a while my ears start to pick up everything, from the wind moving around buildings, to people scratching their elbows, and even composites of all the conversations going on around me. If you've ever sat in a car with me, you know I don't like listening to my music too loud, and you know I only tolerate super loud noises at concerts/performances. I don't even like it when the music played loud at practice, I guess I'm one of those people who doesn't mind the music being on medium because if you're quiet, and focused, you can hear it. I really enjoy being in the student center now (yes you can assume it's partially because it reminds me of someone) because the sounds of daily life make me feel like the world is a small place again, full of connections, after all sound comes from reactions (i.e. clapping, a zipper, water flowing over rocks...).
Life's moving forward faster and faster, and here I honestly thought that the pace had leveled out already. Silly me, foolish me, grateful me. =)
Here's to life and it's amazing ability to provide remedies almost instantly for the ills it causes. =)
<3bam
...and so I don't forget...future blog topics that are brewing away in my brain: budgeting honor, valentines day, having a plan.
p.s. a.thai and jules (oh weird but i wanted to try calling you that) didja get the hidden shoutouts?
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