deliciously complex

my oh my how the time flies and time changes and all that seems for naught.

I'm up late right now, deliberating with myself over some key moments in my life and how I handled them. I can honestly say, I wish I could kick myself for the way I acted, but more importantly for the things I didn't say. Why?

Because if I had learned to speak my mind sooner, I wouldn't have hurt so many people. If I had learned to explain more careful my reasons for behaving like I did, I would have looked like someone worth retaining and I wouldn't have been forced to let go of a 'good' (in the descriptive and quantative sense) portion of my life. If I had learned to say what I meant, rather than try to say something more seemingly situationally correct, I wouldn't have come off as a rude, selfish, little girl.

But that's me, and I've finally grown to the point where I can say honestly to myself what I'm doing wrong in the here and now. Did you know that it's possible for one person to, in the process of making the decision to act a certain way, consider at least five different resulting possibilities and that at the end of this listing, its possible to tell yourself "STOP IT!" or "DO IT DIFFERENTLY"? and then at the end of it all, you can beat yourself up for the simple existence of the possibilities that would have fucked so much of your life up? All this in the matter of seconds that it takes you to decide something. Insane isnt it. But amazing.

I love telling myself I'm doing something wrong, even if I' m not and especially if I'm unsure if it's right or wrong (which is situational of course). Either I end up saving myself from looking like a fool (oh joy for the concept of self-preservation) or I end up more convincing an actor. I don't like the person I am sometimes, but I love the person I am who can question and adapt to the things that I know I need to fix.

I love being deliciously complex and altogether simple. Why? Because, it doesn't matter. There is so much to go through in life that having your ideals for yourself so finelined at any one point in time is only going to make things worse, but having developing guidelines, like growing into faith, thats the way to live. You find the best way, the better way, and the challenging way to live a life where you create the world around you and you can accept it all (faults, failures and flaws included). Acceptance doesn't mean you are forced into being unhappy, it means that you know you were meant to be here and that where you are right now, because of the decisions you made to be a better person you are quite literally in the best place you could be in.

I know this all seems like rambling, but believe me, it makes sense after you look back and see how horrible a person you've been. It makes the hurt come back, and it has made me realize that a lot of the hurt I felt was self-inflicted. No one was there to tell me what I was doing to myself because I didn't say anything, I didn't think I could. I am so glad I know better now.

Thank you God for showing me how to be happy, I'd forgotten somewhere along the way here.

<3sami