unsaid.

So I know that it's officially the day of the year set aside for thanksgiving BUT I have these awkward negative feelings...well I think they're negative, they make me sad?...that I really just want to get off of my chest before I try to sleep and then wake up renewed and refreshed as I can be. I feel so torn when it comes to coming back home. I love being with my mom (and Dad when he's back from the PI) and hanging out or talking with her. I love joking around with my sisters (when they're not in a mood or stressed by work/school). I love being around my troublesome and dilemma ridden dogs. I love seeing my bestfriends who live up here Ayla and Roz (and hopefully I'll get to see Diana soon). I love when theres a family get together or event during my short stay so I can see family members I haven't seen in months or years.

But honestly...that's about it.

So much was taken...no. Torn. From me when we decided to go our separate ways, and by we I mean Vallejo and I. Well mostly anyways. I was never truly attached to this place, I guess that's what happens when you move around so much. And there are some heartstrings that I had to detach. I was never comfortable saying 'i'm from vallejo' because honestly, I don't think I share the same mindset as a majority of the people here. I don't identify with a lot of the same status markers, I don't share a lot of the same attitudes, and I've always felt out of place here.

Now that a lot of people I know either haven't been in touch (or been able to respond) I really don't feel like there's much reason for me to be here. There are a few friends who I simply feel out of touch with because of the distances involved with growing up. But there are also some people who I, for lack of a better word, was abandoned by. I think the reason I'm feeling so torn right now is because I was thinking about how grateful I am for the friends I have now, and the few who have stuck by me as I've moved and grown throughout the years. Then I think I noticed the concept of 'few' and I really mean few. Like, handful few. And it hurts.

For one thing, it still stings that someone who was important in my life has decided to treat me as I never existed. When there was no reason for that to happen. Some may say that our history was reason enough, but I don't think that makes this abandonment right or justified. I can't say why, but I know that this is wrong. And everytime I come home I am reminded of it. I guess I can't wrap my head around why we would endeavor to be friends only for one person to decide the friendship is over. Can one person decide to end a relationship? I thought we had figured out the answer to that one.

For another thing, I know about the gossip that spread after. I know about the things that people think. I know about the ways people judge. And to be honest, hardly anyone up here has given me a second glance since I left and that seriously (pardon my french) sucks. Sometimes I wish I was given the dignity I afford to others who have made their own mistakes in life, and sometimes my patience wears thin (like now) and it beings to hurt again. To be scorned, to be ignored, nothing, in my mind, is worse than this.

I'm trying to get through this haze of hurt because I know just beyond it is so much more. For example, I know now the kind of treatment I should give people who share their lives with me. I know now that when you are given a trusted secret, you must keep it and you must do your best to honor that person. I know now that mistakes are meant to be learned from and forgiven, not scorned and relived. I truly am grateful for the friends that I have by my side right now. I know I'm really bad at keeping up relationships which is half because people think I'm intimidating and half because I honestly like when people take the first steps towards me. I guess those two don't really work well together. I just find it frustrating to always have to be the one initiating events in friendships, but I guess a lot of times I end up doing that and people end up getting used to it, so it's mostly my fault then. But, I really do want to work on it. And my choice to stay in socal is part of that.

I am so grateful for the opportunities I have been given since I left vallejo because they really have helped me see for myself how I can live my own life in this crazy scary exciting nerve wrecking world. I know that right now, the scars of the past still sting, but I'm going to keep working my hardest to get through it because they will not hurt me forever. Not if I never forget the things I've learned. I refuse to let other people keep me down, so I'm not afraid to say that I'll stop coming back here.

I just wish that I didn't have to feel anxious about going out in public here, or remember what it was like to have a ton of people to hang out with here. Times change though, and I needed them to. I fit in better in socal, where my personal struggle with being a better friend can realistically be set to achievable goals. There's nothing but grudges, ignorance, and lack of manners here for me. At least when it comes to the social scene.

There will always be family for me here, and there will always be the few whom I trust the most. Thank goodness for that strength, and thank goodness that I still have the hope and faith to get through this all.

<3