what i want...

I suppose it's been a while since I've delved into myself and myself feel a little uncomfortable, but I feel like going there right now. Why? I don't know, but I feel like I need to. It's therapeutic after all to break yourself down (in a safe way) every now and then and re-examine the bits and pieces you've find. I think it's one of the best ways to see how you've warped as fragments and yet still maintained your same self.

Moving on from the explanation of where I'm going...I suppose that right now I WANT to feel certain things and I NEED to feel certain things, and the difference between the two is pretty glaring. I WANT to feel happy, accomplished, calm, proud, useful and needed. I NEED to feel secure, strong, hopeful, and valuable. The difference? I can fool myself into thinking I feel what I want to feel and its effortless, I have to put effort into feeling what I need to feel and often lie to myself about how well its going.

Tricky situation no? To be pulled in one direction tell yourself you're going that way to keep yourself pushing only to realize the attempt may have been futile and then re-realize you've been kidding yourself and go the opposite way with just as much drive as you did your original direction. Imagine fighting both sides of your own war in your head, conceding and gaining with each breath you take, and you have the reason for my constant silence, my introspection.

Truth of the matter is that there are very few times now when I am sure as to what I am feeling, and that scares me. I know that I feel love for my family, and I know that I feel love for Des. I know that I am grateful for the life I now live. and then everything gets hazy.

I don't suppose I'm depressed, just contemplative. Things keeping me awake at night that I didn't even know were bugging me. Am I anxious? Yes. Am I worried? No. Anxious because I'm not sure what I'll learn about myself this time, but not worried because if I can handle it as well as I have the past few times I've done this then I'll come out stronger and yet again one step closer to who I want to be.

And now a few random things I want to spew out...these are for different random people whom i'll never disclose...i just want these things and yet i know i wont get most of them so just saying it gets it off my mind...

...i want you to say you're sorry for being so horrible to me, i want you to own up for what you did and take your share of the blame off my back...

...i want you to know how much i care about you, and i want to start over with how i've treated our relationship...

...i want you to realize that i'm not mad, dissappointed yes, but not mad, just talk to me so we can work it out, ill try harder this time...

...i want to stick with this cool thing we've got but i think it may be time for me to move on...

...i want the truth.

sigh, ok that was a lot off my mind. and now to bed.

<3bam