sigh.

i woke up today in a very weird way. my eyes felt sore, as if I had been crying again, and I had a massive headache. But the thing that stood out most to me, was that I woke up to complete slience. Having tuned out the sound of the waterfall outside my bedroom window, I heard nothing.

For some reason, it brought me to tears. There was no soft hush of fingers on fabric, no slow breaths, and no sounds of someone getting ready in the bathroom. Just me, alone, waking up.

It felt so harsh, as silence always does nowadays. I used to like silence, I could sit for hours just me, just typing notes to myself, reading a book, or reviewing notes. Now it hurts me to hear the quiet. Because quiet reminds me that there's no one waiting for me behind that door and that there's no one i'm going home to.

I am doing much better than friday, but it's still hard for me to feel energetic and it's still hard for me to find reason to do things. I'm on my own so much now that it frightens me. I don't wanna go to get the car oil changed by myself, I don't want to have to go to meet people to sell it to by myself, I don't want to go to the grocery store by myself, and most importantly I don't want to eat by myself.

I know I have amazing friends around me, and trust me I've begun to seek some of the support they've offered. But in the end, while everyone can console their missing friend by seeing other friends, i can't completely deal with having no one to place my complete affection on.

Find a way to cope. That's what I need to do. Stay busy. Everyone's advice but it's hard to get going in order to be busy, sometimes. Stay calm. Don't worry I'm taking deep breaths everytime these bouts of loneliness come around. Take care of yourself. I am, I got my apetite back, and I'm keeping myself in order. Be around people. That one's hard...I don't want to be around people just yet, because I know they're main idea about me right now is that i'm sad. If I'm going to be around people, I want to be around them like it's any other day, so that I won't feel special and I won't feel like my world's been turned inside out.

I feel selfish. I feel stupid. I feel lazy. I feel lonely. But I count it a blessing that I can feel, friday I was just numb.

Deep Breaths and Small Steps. That's what I need to focus on. Go to class, run errands, go to practice. For now that's all I am. In time: go to work, meet up with people will get added to the list.

Gimme a little more time to adjust world, slow down a little please...=/

I can do it. I know I can.

"If God gets you to it, God will get you through it."

<3bam