two months post-departure

It took TWO MONTHS for us to hit our first snag...but it'll be ok. Time and Faith will help us triumph I know it.


There are around 12 weeks until my planned trip to Australia to visit him and I never expected to get to the halfway point and be as happy as I am. We've worked out when to communicate, how to share our time, and how to maintain this relationship so easily that I'm counting myself as blessed every night before I go to bed and every morning before I launch myself out into the world. I know that not everything in life is easy, but I've found that what makes all that hullabaloo tolerable is when some things JUST WORK.

We'll have to take our time to conquer this ... hurdle....we'll call it a hurdle because there are so many different approaches to it, and it's not like it's a massive wall. We can see our goal, we know how we want to get there, we know that we have choices to make to get there, steps to take if you will. Most importantly though, we know that whether we fall over it, the hurdle breaks, or we just clera the obstacle we'll make it through. I'm not really big on finishing first, trophies never seem to sparkle in my eyes, I just want the chance to run my life how I want to, and to be with the one I love. It'll be ok, I believe in that, and I believe in him.

I'll be going home for spring break soon, and I'm looking forward to a little respite and some quality time with my family (especially my mom). I know things will be far from calm, but I can hope for the best can't I?

It's an odd state of mind that I'm in at this exact moment. Overall I'm happy because things are going exceedingly well for me, the turn around that I was hoping for in my life has succeeded. Emotionally though I'm torn between a trauma that's been reignited, and being stronger than I think I am. How do you cope when you want to kick and scream and cry but yet you know that even the venting relief you get from that won't do you any good because you can't afford to be that emotional? Psychologically, I'm trying to convince myself that I can keep all these positive influences up and that I am the cause of my success so I have to be the one to manage it. It's hard when you feel like circumstances are constantly stacked against you and you only get by on luck, but I think this area at least I can handle on my own. Socially, simply stated, I am awkward. It's hard for me to be around too many people and yet I struggle sometimes when I am on my own with only a few close others. There is no drama to speak of, I just feel awkward...like I have trouble being entirely present...i like to think this is because my other half is halfway around the world in a very different time zone but that's me. Physically, I am weak. I have been sick for ALL of winter quarter now, and my body is having trouble maintaining enough energy throughout the week to keep me going AND to keep me alive. The cough starts out ok on monday and goes right back to deep and hacking by the time I get to thursday. I try to sleep as much as I can and I try to do my best when I eat, but nothing is helping...hopefully spring break I can make a full recovery...or at least figure out if there is some deeper medical problem.

That aside, things are going well. APO dance comp has started and at the beginning of our journey I find myself a captain for the team. I hope that my passion and commitment can help me help the team and my bros. MCIA is as amazing as ever, a family like none other in all senses of the phrase.

I do love my life, and because of that I recognize that it has to be hard. I'll smile while I work and maintain my compiosure while I play because that's how and who I am.

I'm cool with that. =)

<3samBAM