are we meant to give of a proper image of ourselves or are we meant to force people to get to know us?
is it really so hard to maintain an open mind about the people we encounter or are we so blinded by our own needs that at first glance all we see is either good or bad with nothing left to improve upon?
that's too harsh, and that's not it...
i'm so frustrated having to force myself to once again just suck it up and overcome this SAME fucking situation. i don't get it. i really don't. it's never that way when we reverse the situation...yet for me...it's always the same. sometimes i hate how i appear simply because it doesnt always align with how i feel, think or behave. i hate being told that i'm intimidating but "wow you're actually really nice when i get to know you."
i know people mean well when they say that, and it's great to know that i've gotten through to someone...but imagine how you would feel if everytime it was like that...if everytime you got close to someone you found out that if you hadnt pushed for it...they wouldn't have given you a second glance...
yes i know there are exceptions, people who are so open and loving that i automatically feel comfortable and i am ever so grateful for you all (you should know who you are). it's people like you that remind me that it's worth it to stay true to my identity because people will recognize it. sigh.
i know that sounds so different from everything i was writing before but i'm really torn right now. torn between this feeling of sadness that yet again i've been misinterpreted and have to fight a first impression gone wrong and this feeling of strength that comes from the fact that i've been through this so many times that i know i can do it.
something else that bugs me about this...people who won't let me complain...you know theres nothing wrong with admitting that you have problems to deal with when you know deep down in your heart as well as withinyour mind that you're going to deal with them.and i dont mean you PLAN on doing something about these problems i mean you KNOW you're going to fix them. what the hell is wrong with admitting that you have something to overcome? and why do we have to downplay our struggles in order to seem satisfied?!? i don't want to be satisfied i want to be completely happy and fulfilled. so i'll be damned if i have to hold my tongue the next time im saying something is wrong and someone tells me to stop complaining. if i was one of those people who never took care of their problems then fine i'd be ok with having to shut up to make you feel more secure but you know i always deal with whatever is thrown my way and part of it comes from fully admitting and being ok with the fact that i have shit to deal with. i dont like taking FOREVER to figure out whats wrong, figure it out, admit it and FIX IT. nothing is wrong with that so can people please stop telling me to change how i've daelt with everything that i've ever overcome...please?
i'm really confused as to what i should be feeling right now...sad, determined, annoyed, unmoved?
i'll keep pushing though...like i always do, i was kinda hoping for a break but it's ok i guess. you grow more when you have to overcome more right? so it's a good thing?
yeah..i'll try to stick with that for now i guess...i'm really not myself right now...sorry...
-bam
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