john mayer kind of mood...

"they love to tell you, stay inside the lines.."

I find myself thinking a lot lately about the different ways that I've felt boxed in either by the image that other people have of me (which causes for some upsetting expectations) or by the limitations I've placed on myself by not feeling fully comfortable revealing all of my self to whomever is around me. It;s interesting to me that I cannot blame other people entirely for feeling pressured and that I know to blame myself for my situation. I remember telling a few of my bestfriends a little while back that I felt like I was having trouble being myself down here simply because there isn't really anyone down here anymore who's seen most of my personality and at least shown me that they accept it. I still feel a little uncomfortable but I'm forcing myself out of this stupid shell I've hidden under because it really isn't like me to be so secluded.


that and I miss the feeling of close company.


"but something's better on the other side..."


And so I am pushing myself to do at least one thing that is provign challenging. I've grown so comfortable in this shabby little bubble of a social life that I've built up for myself but why should I let myself be comfortable. Doesn't change and growth come best from struggle. How weird am I that I force myself into a struggle? I suppose it's an appropriate thing to do for someone who hardly ever has personal drama and belittles the drama of the everyday world. I know though that I could plateau right now and feel comfortable for a while but I don't want that. I want better things to come and sooner so I guess pushing myself is one way of achieving that.

I'm failing to make enough sense to myself to feel fully convinced that that's why I'm putting myself through hell. But for now it'll do. More contemplation later.


i need something slightly more intellectual to blog about, I find myself itching to write...and yet have no inspiration.

<3bam