a new space.

a new space for my thoughts because i felt betrayed by those who were reading my last blog. all i ask when you read is that you take into account that this is my space of expression and that while you may have your own opinion about what i have written ultimately no one actually has the right to ask me to edit myself. and also, no one has the right to use my words against me.

for a while now, I've felt like my last blog was being turned against me. like I couldn't write anything without someone attacking me because they thought i shouldn't have written it or because they thought i was wrong. well guess what, it's my blog. so those people can go find their own space to express their opinions and guess what I'll read them but I'll respect their space.

respect: something that has been missing from my life for a while now. from family, majority of my friends, some of the team, quite a number of my brothers and even those that i held closest to me. all I really ask for is that you take my feelings into account like I would take yours into account when our lives are at intersection with each other, is that really hard? you don't have to act on them but shit, a little consideration would be better than nothing. and for once could someone please take my actions into context...if I'm upset hell yes I'm going to overreact, but my god overreacting on your part will not help.

right now, i really need some sense of stability in my life because too much of it feels fluid. everything i do seems to float on a cloud of doubt. and everything i think, i end up questioning about five minutes later. i went from feeling like i had everyone to turn to, to feeling like everyone is kind of turning in a different direction than me for a little bit.

i have faith that everything will spin back into place, but what am i supposed to do until then?

the options are slowly laying themselves out for me, but when i think about it, i don't really feel as if any of them are right. most people have been giving me the advice of going with the flow and letting it happen, ultimately that's all we ever do it's just convincing myself that's what I'm doing that is the problem.

i feel a lot of pain right now, mentally. A lot of the things I was sure of have been washed away with the tides of summer.

for the most part, i would say i feel betrayed. betrayed by myself and by others. i did a good job letting people in, and letting myself feel comfortable but i forgot to set my limits so that i could still be comfortable should something go wrong. in my life, I've had maybe three or four people who I've let in completely and they haven't let me down. I love them for that. I wish that I could say more followed this trend.

I think I should try to end this on something of a good note, since it's my first serious post on this new blog. I guess I'm going to say that from here on out I'm not going to let people think that they can use my words against me. We're all entitled to our expressions, this is going to be mine please don't pollute that.

<3bam